A Crazy Time

I've been so long overdue in catching up on all that has taken place in the last month.  I find myself at odds.  I started this blog to be upfront and honest about all that I've dealt with and continue to deal with when it comes to my endo and infertility.  I'm finding it a challenge to keep being so open.  A few of you reading this know me personally, and that is why I find being so open hard to do.  I spent so many years not showing anybody the truth of how bad the pain of endometriosis, and I finally overcame that part of myself and shared on here what is really happening.  Then the infertile part of me starts to come out, and I shared my present and my past.  For some reason now as I move forward on this journey I don't want to share anymore.

Most days I find it hard to keep moving forward and I want to just ignore the reality of my life with fertility treatments.  I know a large part is that I also don't want to be asked month after month if it work or not. I know the biggest reason I have for struggling to share is that if a cycle were to actually work and I was to get that BFP, that I would then have to share about the miscarriage.  It's sad that if I ever manage to get a BFP it will be overshadowed by this fear.  It is what holds me back so many times.  I am so frustrated and hurt that for so many of us infertile couples it isn't just about getting pregnant, but staying pregnant.  I have made some pretty amazing friends through twitter who are also going through their own infertile journey.  My heart breaks as much for them as myself.  It is such a high number of women who finally experience that happiness of getting pregnant, only to have it ripped away.  Why is it not enough that we suffer to conceive?

In my last post I mentioned my new specialist.  It was a very good appointment.  It was full of a lot of information.  We made a choice and started a new treatment.  I had to wait until my period showed, which finally made it's appearance on Jan. 2.  I then started injection therapy.  Every morning I started my day off by stabbing myself in the stomach, a week later I went for a scan.  I then continued injections for another half week, and came back for my last scan.  This was a very interesting appointment.

My lining was looked at first, and for the first time ever it was a perfect lining, couldn't ask for anything better!  My right ovary was then checked out, and it had a bunch of follies around a 10-13, but nothing big enough to be mature.  Then the great search for my lefty started.  This was a painful process.  The tech was having challenges.  Suddenly the screen was turned so I could no longer see it, and the tech had a strange look on her face.  She removed the wand and told me to hold on, and left that room.  My heart was pounding, the only other time I've had the tech leave like that is to get the doctor because of miscarriages.  I knew this couldn't be the case, but I had that feeling of dread, like something bad was about to happen.  My new doctor, Dr. M.S. came in and took a look, then he told the tech to go get his partner Dr. S.  He came in and had a look.  I'm almost ready to start panicking at this point.  Wandy was removed again, and I was told to get dress and to step across the hall into the room there and wait.  I could barely manage to button my pants.  I go and I wait, and at least 20 minutes passed before Dr. M.S. came in the room.  He went on to explain to me that my left side had a very good follie.  Okay, so why did it take three of you to find that out?  Unfortunately, your left ovary is covered in endo and has made your left ovary shift quite a bit.  The tech couldn't find my ovary and needed assistance.  He and Dr. S then talked together to see what they could come up with.  The fear now with my ovary moved is that if I manage to ovulate my egg will be unable to make it into my tube.  There is also the chance that if it manages to make it to the tube, that will be such a long and hard journey it will still be unable to make it to my uterus and I could end up with an ectopic (tubal pregnancy).  This comes with it's own risk, not only another lost baby, but could end in a ruptured tube and ER surgery.  Then the last blow to this cycle, I was told I was at high risk of developing OHSS (ovarian hyper-stimulation syndrome).  This comes with a wide range of risks.  It is a positive sign of ovulation, since it can only happen if there is ovulation.  Since there is still a chance egg won't make it into tube, there is also chance that the fluid in my ovaries won't drain properly and could cause a lot of problems, as bad as rupturing  my ovary.  If I ended up with it, I would need to be monitored closely and may need to be drained to prevent the worst.

The day came when it was time to push my trigger shot.  Since we decided after spending so much money and there were so many good things, that we would move forward.  Just a mere 48 hours after my trigger, just about 10 hrs after ovulation, the pain hit and I was overcome with nausea.  I read up on everything.  I rested with limited movement and drank Gatorade.  This was late on Saturday night.   My husband ended up calling the on call doctor at the clinic and took me to ER.  It was confirmed I had OHSS.  I was given IV fluids for a bit, and given strict orders for limited movement, with slow walking around the house, and to drink plenty of fluids, especially those with electrolytes.  My dominant follie is now gone, which means I did ovulate, but who knows where that egg has gone.  For the next two weeks I'm stuck on bed rest w/ limited walking privileges.

My husband and I are really beginning to consider this the last cycle.  It's been two years, two miscarriages, and lots of risk.  Now I'm in so much pain and very sick after spending so much money with no better chance of this working.  How much are we to go through?  We are wondering if this all is really worth it.  For now I just rest and hope the swelling in my ovaries leaves soon.