Another Period; Another Broken Heart

Lately I've been limited on who to share about doing more cycles. I haven't shared on here, but my husband and I did try another cycle.  I decided not to share with anybody about this cycle.  We just wanted to have the chance to try without people asking us if it worked only two days after a test.

My first ultrasound was done on day 13, which was the Monday before Thanksgiving.  I had the best follies that I have ever had on the right ovary. Still nothing on my left side, and my D. S and my RE have decided it is officially done.  That didn't bother me though.  I had not one large follicle, but TWO!!! I was amazed and in shock.  I had two all 22 or bigger, how crazy is that.  I was told to trigger on Tuesday, so to make the timing right, I did my trigger shot on Tuesday morning. I was so hopefully about this whole thing.  I was told there is a risk of twins.

A risk of twins?  Why is that a risk.  For an infertile who is spilling out tons of money for the chance to maybe have a kid, twins is not a risk, it is a miracle.  I would be thrilled to have twins.  It is the ultimate two for one deal!  I had great mature eggs, and TWO!!!!  My husband and I decided to give it all we could for this one.  We have never had such a good chance. TMI: TO give it our best chance the only things we really could do, was have sex as often as possible, so we did.  I was in pain for so long because with my endo it is so not a fun activity.  I was hopeful though, I wanted this to work.  I am so done with all these cycles.

The two week wait had begun, again.  Thanksgiving was in the beginning and that helped a lot to keep me distracted.  I wanted to hope, and I was hoping, but I was so afraid to hope.  The first week went quickly, but the last week just dragged by.  I was so impatient and made the dumb mistake of testing on Sunday, two days too early.  This of course was a negative, and while it sucked to once again see a negative, I didn't let it get me down.  It was too early to test, and I should have known better.  Tuesday rolled around, day 28 of my  cycle, and the end of the two week wait.  I still had absolutely no signs of an upcoming period, and so even when I thought I was hoping, I did have a sliver of hope.  Wednesday showed, with still not period.  I had a doctor appointment scheduled for Thursday.  My purpose was to discuss what we were going to do about trying and about my endo pain.  I begin to hope that maybe this appointment's purpose was about to change.  I decided as I was getting ready for bed that I would test the next morning before leaving for my appointment.  I feel asleep so hopeful.  Thursday morning arrived and I woke up with cramping and pains, my heart sank.  I went to the bathroom, where I had my stick sitting out to greet me with a sweet little note from my also hopeful husband, who had already left for work.  There was no need to test, I was bleeding.

I had no time to mourn or be sad, it was time to leave since I had errands to run before leaving for my 2 hour trip to my doctor office.  I used all my strength not to cry while sending off Christmas gifts and cards at the post office.  Finally I was on my two hour drive and of course while driving down the 99 I couldn't help but let the tears fall.  By the time I made it to the doctor's office I was calmed down, sort of, and ready to figure out what to do.  It was a good appointment.  Dr. S had a lot to share.  I'm not sure if I actually feel better, but there is a plan.  He told me that because of how good my follies were, and also how good my husband's junk is (in fact Dr. S called it "super sperm") there is no reason for the two not to be meeting.  He thinks my problem may be more in the fact that it is no implanting.  He said that because of my late period and how I didn't have my normal pre-period cramping that we had a fertilized egg, but it never implanted.  Not really what I want to hear.  He is sending me to another specialist that he works with.  I am currently awaiting that call from that place so I don't fully know yet what the new plan will be.

I was able to visit with a good friend while I was in the area.  I was having problems focusing though, and even though I love my friend, I was grateful when it was time to head home.  I still hadn't told my husband about my period and our BFNBFNs and he has been sad, but always hopeful, always with something positive or comforting to say, but this time nothing.  I saw that face and literally felt as though my heart was breaking.

I am so tired of this life.  How much more are we to take.  My doctor told that he was highly encouraged by how well my right ovary had responded and he told me that he would highly recommend us to keep trying.  I talked with my wonderful husband.  If we keep trying it means taking longer for us to save money to buy a house closer to his work.  It means he has to spend even more time driving 45 minutes to work.  Despite that fact he said to me that we should try until my right ovary is officially done as well.  I told him it meant we couldn't save as much, and he said that right now, we needed to focus on giving it our all for our chance.  What good would it do us if we stopped to save for a house, and got a house, and had lost our chance forever to have a biological child?  I let Dr. S know the next morning that he could give our information to his specialist and we would see what he has to suggest.

Here we go on another journey.  I'm terrified, I'm broken, and I'm still hopeful.  I hope that  no matter where this new direction takes us that I can always remember just how wonderful of a husband I have.  I don't know where I would be without this amazing man.