Test have now confirmed I have a low reserve. It has taken me almost 2 weeks to share that on here. I have been trying to run from reality. We still do not fully know what we are going to do and having pressure that time it running away seems to make it even harder to make a choice. My husband is so great, but he doesn't really like to think too far ahead and would rather not worry about tomorrow and just focus on today. That is great, but when our tomorrow is what it is, we need to focus on that as well. He knows that, but he doesn't know what we are suppose to do, so he wants to just wait it out.
I have been so sick lately. It is getting old. I am so tired of having so much pain and so many side effects from all the medicines. I know that if it leads me all to a child then I will look back at this time and think it is all worth it, but as I am living through it all, and I am told how little chance I have, I have to wonder if this is worth it. I know I am always suppose to have hope, at least that is what everybody tells me. When am I suppose to face reality though? How much am I suppose to risk my body for? We know that fertility treatment is making things worse, and pregnancy will put a baby and me in danger. Is this really a good idea?
I finally had a solid talk with my husband and finally shared all my feelings. It was a good talk, and even he opened up more. If felt really good that he was feeling the same things as I was. That he did also feel sad when we hung out with couples with children or who were pregnant. It was great to hear that I was no alone in these feelings, but it hurt. I keep wondering if this is all worth it. I know without a doubt that if we adopted I would love that child just as much as a child I gave birth to, but I can't help but feel heartbroken at the idea that I can never give my husband a biological child.
For now I wait. I'll be going to the doctor soon and will be figuring out what to. All I can do is pray and wait and I wish that was enough to give me peace. I wish I could just make it through one hour when I am not aching for a child.