Tuesday, August 16, 2011

I am not Broken

This weekend we went back to our old camp that we used to work out.  It was a nice time.  I really enjoyed good conversations. It was probably the first time I have openly talked, not written, about everything, other than the conversations with my husband.  It was freeing to talk and not feel like the person was trying to rush through anything, or that they really were not listening.  I didn't even realize it was something I was missing out on, but it was.  It was a nice little reminder that it is not unrealistic to have friends who can deal with all aspects of life.  It was refreshing to see that it is possible to have friends who are able to share in the sorrows and the joys of each other lives. 

I had a great weekend when it comes to catching up with friends.  The pain and the side effects of my medicine, however, was horrible.  I had some minor side effects before we left, but as Friday progressed my side effects were crazy insane and I literally felt as though I was losing my mind.  My emotions were a mess, I am seriously surprised that during some of the conversations I had this weekend, since some of them did involve my lost children, I didn't end up crying, which I am thankful for.  The whole weekend though I was a moment away from crying, for no real reason.  I was suddenly feeling so overwhelmed about everything.  Though I am sure most of it is the emotional/hormonal unbalance of things.

I have so many unknown questions, I don't know the answers, I sometimes don't even know the questions.  A big one I have is, how far am I willing to go in this journey, how long do I try?  When do I give up  on the dream to have my own child?   Do people think I am wrong for wanting to pursue pregnancy over adoption?  I know that some people have viewed these feelings I have as meaning that I do not put as much value on adoption.  I will make it clear.  If I adopt, I would be in love with that child just as much as if I had given birth to them.  That does not change my feelings of wanting to also have my own. 

This weekend was good for some emotional reasons, but I did learn some things that just make me feel a little like I am diseased.  I don't want to be avoided or treated like I am glass about to fall off a ledge.  Yes, I am sad about things, yes I have gone through a lot, yes I am still dealing with the fact that I have lost 2 babies, and yes I sometimes in the security of my home cry over the fact that I have friends due months apart from when I would have had a baby.  That does not mean I am broken, or about to be broken.  Even in the midst of my struggles I can still be happy for my friends.  A baby, no matter how it came to be is a wonderful thing to celebrate, and I will celebrate, especially when it is one more child for me to love and to be apart of their lives. 

1 comment:

  1. It's natural to want your own baby, to experience the joys of pregnancy, and to marvel at how the love of two people created a life.

    There is nothing wrong with that at all, and I fully believe that adoption is also a wondrous thing and that people can love an adopted child just as much.

    I hope your journey is successful. You've been through so much. I admire your strength.