Thursday, August 11, 2011

Period of Death

Just when I think my pain has reached an all time high, I get my period and am overnight transfixed into a useless curled up baby.  I am currently in day 5 of my period and finally see the flow slowing down.  I now am taking double dose of my medicine. The side effects of this medicine is making me crazy.  So on top of being stuck in bed, I feel like I literally am losing my mind.  I hate being such a useless wife.

I am a walking (maybe not walking) contradiction.  I know that I want to keep trying to have my own kid, but now that I am, I am a wreck.  Which if course the stress and worry is not a good thing.  I am terrified.  I am afraid of getting a BFP, only to have it ripped away a few weeks later.  I am afraid of having a BFP, and finding out shortly after it was just a false positive again.  So it would appear I am afraid of getting a positive, but at the same time, I think I will be even more heartbroken to have a negative.  I know, makes no sense.  If my scans do not show a thick lining or good sized eggs, then I may just not try this cycle.  I can't even keep a child alive when things seem right, so why take the chance if we can tell I am already having a bad cycle?

The hard part of all of this is that I know realistically this is my last chance for awhile since we have no insurance coverage for this.  We can't afford to pay for more. We can barely keep up with the ultrasounds and test I am doing now.    I guess after this, if it doesn't work, I can go back to treating my pain and saving money.  I can do what we need to for my pain, because insurance will cover that.

I just want a baby!

Today I should be getting some house cleaning done and getting things ready to pack since we will be gone for the weekend.  Away at our camp.  I am looking forward to leaving reality for a bit, but sadly my period follows me there.  As much as I am looking forward to getting out of the heat and seeing friends we miss, I am already looking forward to just being home. I am just hoping that I can just maintain a tolerable amount of pain for the weekend. I guess only time will tell,

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