Monday, June 6, 2011

My Body Fails

I have put off writing and updating long enough.  I was sick with the flu and an ear infection for a couple weeks  and didn't have the energy to update.  I have had numerous cyst rupturing.  I am at a point where the moment I feel a little better, I start expecting for the next worse thing to hit me. 

These last few weeks have felt so long and so hard.  My pain and my sickness has made everything pass with almost no memories from it happening.  I am so tired of all this stuff happening.  I am sick of the medical insurance world dictating to me what I am suppose to do and not suppose to do.  They are not the ones living with the torture.  After 3 cycles on this med, I have had nothing but problems, but I still have to go through another cycle, just to make sure it really isn't working.  Great, huh?  This just makes me feel crappy.  Why would I choose to go through another cycle of hell?  Each cycle just keeps getting worse and worse. I'm not sure I can handle another round.

The other part is that I am not sure I can't handle the truth of this treatment not working.  All that means is that we are leading closer to treatments I can't afford and treatments that my husband and I do not necessarily agree with.  I know that makes me a horrible infertile.  The only reason I have moments where I think maybe it is okay is because I am faced with the reality that it may be my only way.  I know plenty of wonderful Christian women who have IVF and I do not doubt they are in God's will.  I fully understand that if I choose the route of IVF or finding a surrogate that it would only happen if God wanted it to, but I can't help but feel that by choosing that route I am attempting to play God.

I know that for now I do not need to worry about it at all.  I just need to focus on making it through each day.  The last few days have been torturous.  I have had some really bad pains, different than my normal pains.  I am worried about what it may mean, but attempting to no think about it all until after my doctor appointment.

For now I go day by day and try to just focus on making it through.  I try to maintain happiness as I have to travel through a world of fertile.  For now I pray.


  1. Dianna, I'm so sorry for your pain and suffering. I can't even begin to imagine what you must be dealing with. My personal opinion is that IVF and surrogacy are not at all playing God. If God really doesn't want you to have children (and I'm sure that's not the case), then IVF and surrogacy won't work either. I don't believe that man has the power to supercede His will. I know you know this, but many women attempt IVF only to have it not work.

    I know that some people feel that contraception (or the pill) is playing God, but I followed the rules precisely and still got pregnant. I think that God determines what happens to us and is not limited by the pill, or surrogacy, or IVF.

    So if IVF or surrogacy is an option, I say give it a shot! God's will can still be accomplished regardless of medical advancements.

    I probably don't say this often enough, but you and Steven are always in my prayers.

    I hope everything I said in this comment reaches you with the intentions that I truly have. Sometimes it's easier just to stay quiet out of fear of offending you or hurting you more than you are already hurting.

    Take care!

  2. Praying for you. I hate that my best friend has to go through so much pain. God will always be there for you and will lead you in the right direction. Just keep listening to Him.

  3. Thank you Bethany, for your friendship, and for your prayers.
    See ya soon,

  4. Lifting you up in prayer. Whenever I feel as if I am going through moments of absolute despair I remember this poem:

    One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

    In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.

    This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,

    “You promised me Lord, that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”

    The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”

  5. I don't want to sound negative but the Lord's Prayer says "Thy will be done." It was one of the things I kept repeating when I decided not to have IVF. I am happier now than I have ever been, and I am delighted (years later) to have submitted to His will. I have to say that not having a baby was a blessing in disguise for me. Of course, at the time it was a horrible ordeal that made me question my femininity and I battled depression as a consequence. I will keep you in my prayers and hope you don't suffer like I did.