I have been so busy this week, moving into our new apartment, lifting heavy objects, on my feet all day, trying to do it all so my husband can relax after working almost 10 hours everyday. I hurt. My endo pain seems to be at an all time high again. I feel sick to my stomach most of the time, I hurt and I just want to curl up and pass out all day. I hate feeling this way.
When my endo pain gets this bad is is more than just the physical pain that brings me down, but also the emotional pain. Endo takes over ones life. I have no control, I can't make plans without wondering how bad my pain will be. I have had to cancel plans many times because of pain. I have a few friend (very, very few) who are kind and sympathetic when this happens, but then there are the friends who just get mad or annoyed that I have had to change our plans. They can't see my disease, they can't see my pain, because on the days I do get to go out, I don't "look sick." What person going out and trying to enjoy their day wants to look sick? They can't seem to understand the work it takes to look healthy. I do that in hopes of gaining back part of my life, but in the end, I manage through with my friend. I deal with stupid comments about how I don't look sick, I should be happy I have gotten pregnant, and how in time and without trying I'll get pregnant.
I am just so done with this daily pain, a reminder of the children I lost, and the children I will never get to have. My pain is so bad, and all the other symptoms that come with Endo that most doctors don't even like to acknowledge are real that I have hit a point that I don't care what it takes, I just want to feel well again. I don't care if it means never having children. I want to stop throwing my money away on treatments that don't work, and I want to be able to be active again. I don't know if the money I spend on trying to get pregnant is worth it. So far what is it gotten me? Two miscarriages, physical pain, and going broke.
I am currently fighting with insurance right now to accept our last miscarriage because they want to deny it since I was not pregnant naturally. How does that make any sense? All day today I felt the desire to break down and cry, but I couldn't. My eyes are dried up and even though I am sad and hurting, I just don't care. I keep being told by friends that they are praying that God will still bless us with a pregnancy, but I don't know if I want that. I can't see a pregnancy as a blessing when it ends in death.
I want to give up trying and just get normal.