Thursday, July 14, 2011

I just don't care Anymore

I have been so busy this week, moving into our new apartment, lifting heavy objects, on my feet all day, trying to do it all so my husband can relax after working almost 10 hours everyday.  I  hurt.  My endo pain seems to be at an all time high again.  I feel sick to my stomach most of the time, I hurt and I just want to curl up and pass out all day.  I hate feeling this way.

When my endo pain gets this bad is is more than just the physical pain that brings me down, but also the emotional pain.  Endo takes over ones life.  I have no control, I can't make plans without wondering how bad my pain will be.  I have had to cancel plans many times because of pain.  I have a few friend (very, very few) who are kind and sympathetic when this happens, but then there are the friends who just get mad or annoyed that I have had to change our plans.  They can't see my disease, they can't see my pain, because on the days I do get to go out, I don't "look sick."  What person going out and trying to enjoy their day wants to look sick?  They can't seem to understand the work it takes to look healthy.  I do that in hopes of gaining back part of my life, but in the end, I manage through with my friend.  I deal with stupid comments about how I don't look sick, I should be happy I have gotten pregnant, and how in time and without trying I'll get pregnant. 

I am just so done with this daily pain, a reminder of the children I lost, and the children I will never get to have.  My pain is so bad, and all the other symptoms that come with Endo that most doctors don't even like to acknowledge are real that I have hit a point that I don't care what it takes, I just want to feel well again.  I don't care if it means never having children.  I want to stop throwing my money away on treatments that don't work, and I want to be able to be active again.  I don't know if the money I spend on trying to get pregnant is worth it.  So far what is  it gotten me?  Two miscarriages, physical pain, and going broke. 

I am currently fighting with insurance right now to accept our last  miscarriage because they want to deny it since I was not pregnant naturally.  How does that make any sense?   All day today I felt the desire to break down and cry, but I couldn't.  My eyes are dried up and even though I am sad and hurting, I just don't care.  I keep being told by friends that they are praying that God will still bless us with a pregnancy, but I don't know if I want that.  I can't see a pregnancy as a blessing when it ends in death. 

I want to give up trying and just get normal.

1 comment:

  1. Di- I am so sorry you have to go through this, I know it must be really hard, harder than I or most anyone else can even imagine. If it is really making you feel this bad then maybe it would be better to save the money to help you feel better then look into other ways of having a child. Just keep praying for God to tell you what He wants for you. I pray for you, pray that you will get an answer soon and that you will have peace with God's answer, whatever that may be. I just want you to feel better and get back to life as normal as it can be (I do know how it feels to have to plan trips and cancel plans all because of pain and sickness) I pray that you don't have to have that problem anymore. This experience is making you stronger. At the end of all of this I am sure you will be so strong that you will be an awesome mother, even if it is from adoption or surrogacy. God is molding you for what He wants you to be. Maybe all of this suffering means He is working hard on you because He has such big plans for you. I am always here for you and will help you in anyway I can. And I promise never to get mad at you if you have to cancel on me due to pain.