Guilt

Time keeps ticking forward.  I'm not sure how I'm suppose to move forward.  I've been doing better at feeling this loss finally.  I do believe that anger is still the most prominent emotion, but I'm feeling sadness. Sadness is good I know.  I needed to feel it.  I needed to feel badly for the baby that was lost.  I needed to feel the fear of what was really going on inside my body during this ectopic.  I needed to get over the guilt I feel for choosing to end the life of my baby.  I guess I've failed to admit it but that was probably the biggest hurtle to get over.  I knew I felt bad about having to take the drug to abort this baby, but I kept telling myself we had no choice.  My life was in danger and so was this babies.  There was no other option except to wait it out.  Wait out the death of my baby and my own death.  I kept repeating this to myself and so did many of my friends.  I felt that I had no guilt feelings left.  I thought that all I had was anger, but it was guilt and still is guilt that is my largest hurdle on this journey to recovery.

How am I suppose to move on from the fact that I killed this baby?  I know, as I've been told millions of times, that I had no choice.  My life was in danger and this baby was already dying.  My only other option would have been to wait it out.  To wait out death for us both.  How could I have done that to my husband?  I would have left my husband childless and widowed at just 27.  I would have gladly take the place of that baby, but that isn't an option.  Which is crazy to think about.  Science can create an embryo, but it can't keep a perfectly healthy baby alive that has grown in the wrong location.  Instead of guilt I should be happy that this didn't end worse.

My hope is fading away.  Hope was always a trait I had no matter what.  I've received many compliments on my ability to hold onto hope in the darkest of times, but that characteristic is leaving me.  I've always held onto the hope that God's will was happening.  I was taught growing up that if we ask we shall receive, but I don't believe that anymore.  I was told that if we are not getting what we asked for it must not be God's will and we need to pray for His will and He will set the desires of our heart, but that's not true.  I've prayed for His will yet this desire for children only burns brighter.  What am I holding onto, what belief am I trying to use as my hope?

I've always managed to hold onto Hope and to see the good in all things.  I was adopted at the age of 5 and before that I was in foster care.  It was an experience no kid should ever have to endure.  Verbal, mental, physical, and sexual abuse was all that I knew during that time.  I was then adopted by a wonderful family.  My mother somehow managed to break through the wall I had set to protect my heart.  She taught me of the wonderful Heavenly Father who would never leave me and who could use anything for good.  I believed this with all my heart and I knew that my last 5 years had all been worth it because it lead me to this amazing mother.  It also started the desire to adopt a child after I had my biological ones.  It also is a huge reason I have placed so much importance on having a biological child.  I wanted to finally have somebody in my family who shared my bloodline.  For years I saw how this had all turned to good.  Then at the age of 12 I lost my mother, of only 7 years, to an incurable cancerous brain tumor after two years of fighting.  This was the hardest thing I've ever had to endure, yet I could see the good that had come from it.  My mom's side of the family had always been careful about their hugs and their "I love you"s, but finally they were not holding back anymore.  I suddenly was receiving hugs from my aunts and uncles and I was hearing my grandparents tell me just how much they loved me.  I was able to feel the joy when I learned that before my grandmother died she had accepted Christ because of a promise my mother's friend made her to not give up on her. This was all good.

We moved  to a new state after my mother died, but even in time I grew to be okay with that place, though honestly it was never home.  When I was 15 though it started to turn around because of a camp I started to work at, which I was forced to work at during the summer so my dad and his new wife wouldn't have to deal with me.  This turned out to be good and I found a family in this community and after graduated worked here full time and meet my wonderful husband.  If we hadn't moved I wouldn't have this new family and I wouldn't have my amazing husband.  I was able to see the good.  My hope stared to diminish after I was raped, but somehow I moved on and I knew I could help others (which I now hate to think that the only only good of anything is just to help somebody else go through it) someday and maybe show them Christ.  Shortly after this I was kicked out of my house and moved in with an single lady from my church.  In time this became good and I gained a Godmother, a sister, a brother-in-law and a niece and two nephews.  Even now over 10 years later I still have them as a huge part of my life.  Then infertility hit.

I still have not seen the good in infertility, but that first pregnancy that ended in miscarriage still gave me hope.  Hope that I could get pregnant.  Oh if only that was the only problem.  Then the second loss came and my hope wavered, but was not lost.  We knew why so hopefully next time would be right.  Then came the next time.  It wasn't just a miscarriage it was an ectopic. How cruel is it that not only did I have to lose another baby, but I had to kill it?  Now I have no idea how this is good.  I've been told that I will be able to help others go through this, but really is that good?  Why do any of us need to go through this?  You mean to tell me I'm going through this crappy thing so that somebody else can go through it.  I'll help them heal just so they can help the next women heal?  Am I the only one who doesn't understand this?

I've lost my ability to believe that God answers prayers.  I'm struggling to find what is good in this mess.  I don't understand why this desire burns so brightly when I've asked over and over again to take it away if it's not His will.  I have people try to tell me that if I'm praying that and my desire is still there then it must be His will, but I don't' believe that.  I don't believe that praying will change anything.  God is going to do what He wants to regardless of our prayers.  He will never explain to us why He chooses the things He does.  We are just suppose to blindly accept them as okay, but I don't want to anymore.  I don't want to strong.  I don't want to accept that these losses and the struggle to get pregnant will all be worth it someday.

I'm told over and over again that once we have a kid it will all be worth it, but will it be?  Will one adopted (because clearly I'll never give birth to a live baby) child make three dead babes and my inability to conceive worth it?  Let me ask you, those who are the mothers to multiple children.  If you lost all your children and then were able to adopt one after would that be enough to make you feel that the death of your children was worth it?  No.

Now for those of you who want to suddenly tell me about holding onto God's will, go ahead, but please think of the words you say.  You think you may be helpful, but it's not.  My good friend EndoJourney just wrote a new post on the Do's and Don't's of what to say to someone after an ectopic.  If you feel you might say the wrong thing, look there first and gain some ideas.