Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Trashed Cycle

I apologize for the long delay in writing.  After my day 15 scan I was disappointed and just didn't feel like facing reality.  Writing updates is where I must face that reality. then I ended up with an infection.  I am still recovering from that and have not had the energy to bother updating.

The current cycle I was on was a very depressing cycle.    My last post shared how my left ovary was unresponsive, but my right ovary still had some follies, however, those did not grow enough and my cycle was officially trashed.  I was crushed.  I know all my testing was showing how this would all end up happening, but it sure is happening very quickly.  It is frustrating and disappointing.  My RE talked with my doctor, and they want to try again, since they see that there are still eggs in my right ovary.  I am down to only one good ovary.  They are giving me stronger meds, and we are in the process of debating IUI.  We will do the next cycle that way, and depending on how I respond if it ends in a negative we will try one more.  December will be our last cycle though.  If I am not pregnant by then we will be done.  I want to have hope that I will be pregnant, but I am trying to face the reality that I might not be.

How do I move on?  I know how, don't get me wrong.  We will save money, move into a house we own closer to my husband's work.  Then we will start saving money again and begin the adoption process.  I am totally happy to adopt, I was adopted after all.  I am not okay with how long it will take to have a baby.  I am ready to be a mother now.

I am also looking forward to not trying anymore.  This last cycle was trashed, and it was almost nice to not have to think about anything infertility for a while.  There was no timing out injections to have the best egg ovulated, and no timed unromantic intercourse.  The break was nice, even though the reason for the break was depressing.  I will look forward to not having all the crazy side effects that I have.  It seems that almost every cycle has had some weird abnormal problems.  Even this last cycle that didn't produce a good egg I ended up with a uterus infection that spread to my nervous system.  I then had some weird allergic reaction to something.  I'm doing okay now, other than some back and joint pain, and my normal endo pains, which I am thankful for.  I would be nice to finally have a life.

I just wonder how much I'll enjoy life if I'm not pregnant and able to carry full term, or have to wait another few years before I can adopt.  I know that I have an amazing husband and that should be enough.  I am reminded of that as Nov. 1, was our 3 year anniversary.  I know that with him, I will be able to enjoy life.  The sadness and desire for kids will always be around though.  For now I suppose I will just wait.  We haven't fully given up yet.  If it leads me to a kid I suppose having no life will be worth it, and I will hold onto the hope that one day won't be ruled by pain and infertility.  

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