Thursday, November 10, 2011

Bored, Hormonal, and Confused

I was suppose to have an appointment on the 7th of this month, but that has been moved to the 8th of December now.  My last cycle was so different that my RE met with my doctor and then there was a phone conference to decide what to do next.  The infections also messed things up a bit.  I am disappointed a bit, because it has been awhile since I have sat down and been honest with my doctor, but I have had phone calls, and know that he is aware of what is going on.  I was even told in the last phone call that he has been talking to some other specialist about my case.  I will take this as a good thing and just be patient.

I am slowly recovering from my infections.  It feels like it is taking forever, but it seems I am at least getting well.  I am so thankful for that.  Staying cooped up in the house with only a few small outings is making me crazy.  This week I have been working on some redesigns for my blog site, and I have been doing some thinking.  I am still not fully satisfied with my blog, but it is headed in the right direction.  While I have been stuck home I have been very hormonal.  I am tired of being stuck in the world of infertility, of trying to conceive, and of dealing with pain.  While I can not escape the fact that this is in fact a huge part of my life at the moment, I want to remember the other things I once enjoyed doing.  I have been focusing on the fact that a lot of what I used to do was physical stuff, which I can no longer do.  Dance was my dream, and it has been hard to accept that it is no longer apart of my life.  I can get depressed when I see the students I once taught, or other kids I have known move onto college and get into amazing dance academies and follow the dream I once had.  This can be as heartbreaking as a birth or pregnancy announcement can be.

I need to move on.  I need to accept that I cannot follow my dance dream and that is over.  I am learning to accept the reality that I may never get to hold a child that my husband and I created in my arms after giving birth to them.  Even though I have been blogging, I have forgotten about my joy to read and write.  While I have been making some changes in my blog I have been thinking about what else I would like to write about.  I recently was given a Kindle from my amazing husband and now have access to many books.  I am thinking about combining my love of reading and writing and may start a review page here. I also love writing, poetry, short stories, ect.  I have not done so in a long time, and I think it is time to start again.    I also love organizing.  I am trying to figure out how I can write on that, but I have given myself a new challenge and hopefully soon in addition to my normal post about my endo and my infertility you will start seeing some new things come this way.

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