I feel so broken and shattered. I know I have faced a horrible ordeal and have many complications since then. I hate feeling that my diseases and infertility has made me an outcast. I know most people avoid saying things because they don't know what to say, they are afraid of saying the wrong thing, or they are trying to keep me from more pain. While that is sweet, I don't want that. I have already lost so much control of my life, I don't need to loose feeling like my friends want to talk to me or share news with me.
Last night the husband of a family we know shared with my husband that they are expecting their fourth. In all this I find out that they have been avoiding sharing with us. Or really me more specifically. I know they really were not avoiding me, but in reality trying to be sensitive to our situation. My emotions are all over the place, which doesn't help, but the way things were done I do feel a bit like I have the plague and have to be avoided. Yes, I miscarried twice. That hurts. I want a child so badly it pains me. I do get a sadness when I hear about others getting pregnant. The way this one was done, so clearly done to avoid facing me ( I know what their real intent was, this is just how my emotions like to read things) I felt like I had just been punched in the chest and had the wind knocked out of me. I hate this feeling. Since then I have been feeling the urge to break down and cry, but I just can't. I will start, but just can't seem to get the physical ability to. I hate this. I want it to be done.
I am in pain, and I can't have kids, and I have lost kids. I do not have the plague though. I hate feeling this way. I apologize for my rant. This is not something I can generally say in real life, so for now I blog it.