Monday, July 25, 2011

Infertility is now the Plague?

I feel so broken and shattered.  I know I have faced a horrible ordeal and have many complications since then.  I hate feeling that my diseases and infertility has made me an outcast.  I know most people avoid saying things because they don't know what to say, they are afraid of saying the wrong thing, or they are trying to keep me from more pain.  While that is sweet, I don't want that.  I have already lost so much control of my life, I don't need to loose feeling like my friends want to talk to me or share news with me. 

Last night the husband of a family we know shared with my husband that they are expecting their fourth.  In all this I find out that they have been avoiding sharing with us.  Or really me more specifically.  I know they really were not avoiding me, but in reality trying to be sensitive to our situation.  My emotions are all over the place, which doesn't help, but the way things were done I do feel a bit like I have the plague and have to be avoided.  Yes, I miscarried twice.  That hurts.  I want a child so badly it pains me.  I do get a sadness when I hear about others getting pregnant.  The way this one was done, so clearly done to avoid facing me ( I know what their real intent was, this is just how my emotions like to read things) I felt like I had just been punched in the chest and had the wind knocked out of me.  I hate this feeling.  Since then I have been feeling the urge to break down and cry, but I just can't.  I will start, but just can't seem to get the physical ability to.  I hate this.  I want it to be done.  

I am in pain, and I can't have kids, and I have lost kids.  I do not have the plague though.  I hate feeling this way.  I apologize for my rant. This is not something I can generally say in real life, so for now I blog it. 


  1. whoa.....listen...I can't sit here and begin to say that I understand because I am not in your situation, but I can say this. HAVE FAITH....god works in mysterious ways and, he has his reasons. Our last child was so not in the plan for us and I truely believe that when the time is right, it will happen for you too. I have family members on the other side of my family with endometriosis and they have three kids now. you just have to have faith, find an awesome doctor, there are a few in modesto, and give yourself good vibes that it will happen. And if it does not, have you thought that adopting a child that no one wants, but you do is an option? I know it is not the same as carrying one, but maybe just maybe that is the path that god is trying to send you. I have a friend that tried to conceive for about six years and they adopted a child and what do you know, two months after that, she conceived and they are now going to have a nine month old and a new born. and I also know of another that, that very same thing happen but the time span was not as close. Like I said before, I know your in pain, but there are other options, a baby is a baby and a homeless baby with no one to love is just sooooo sad. Try to have faith, go to church more, join a womans group do anything to try to help you get through all this and your emotions. I am sorry if I hurt your feelings, but believe it or not, people do care about you and wish you and your husband the best of luck. Blogging it was an awesome idea and its a great way to express yourself. I just hope I didn't insult you or hurt your feelings in anyway. BELIEVE, it will happen one day.

  2. I did send you a private message on facebook. I am not mad at you. I understand why you waited to share, but it just sucks that people feel they have to. I know there are a lot of stories out there for miracles, and I know anything is possible, but I have to face the reality it might not be my story some day. I am doing the best I can to accept and to trust. The hard part for me is how much my pain has controlled my life. I hate having to cancel so many plans, feeling like I can't visit friends, near or far because my pain is too bad. I have been wanting to organize a trip to see you guys, but can't even gather the strength, or the break from ER to go it seems.

    I am not mad at the way this was done, but just frustrated that I am in a situation where the people who care have to think about this kind of stuff. It is going to hurt no matter when people share of their pregnancies, but it does hurt more when it feels it has to be hidden from me, or hesitation in sharing with me. I understand it was only done that way because you care and you don't want to add more pain or grief, so I thank you for that. Sorry to have offended you with this blog post.

  3. Anon, it really sounds like you care about BTE and that you are trying to be encouraging and helpful. Also it seems like you have had your own loss that you are in a healthy place with it, so you aren’t completely a stranger to the loss of a child. I can’t really speak for BTE and what she feels, but having similar beliefs and my own struggle to carry a child, I want to try and gently share the feeling that your words leave.

    Suggesting that faith and a good doctor are what one needs can simply leave that person feeling like somehow they haven’t done enough. They haven’t sought enough help, they haven’t believed hard enough – just push a little more and it will all work out. The truth is that it might not work out. For some of us it will never happen, but none of us are willing to accept that, and we push on, continuing to hope, clinging to whatever glimmer we see, and struggling through each day – especially if we are dealing with physical pain at the same time. It is a very hard and difficult place to be, and very common for it to lead to depression. Because, as I think we all agree, the woman ‘s body was designed by God, and one of its core purposes is too nurture. The woman has a whole – body, spirit, soul - was designed to nurture, and her body to specifically nurture a child, first in her womb and then at her breast. When a woman is unable to do that, she can feel utterly betrayed – by her body, or by God who made her body. It can cause a great struggle of faith wondering why God has “done” this, (I personally don’t believe that God specifically does it. It’s just a result of living in our fallen world) or why he doesn’t answer our desperate cries for a child. Faith in God is what carries us through the pain, and it seems to me like BTE has faith that carries her. Although God calls us to faith – faith in him, in his love and compassion for us, faith in his promises, we cannot BELIEVE into existence the things that we want.

    Dealing with infertility or pregnancy loss can also leave us feeling like we failed. We are unable to complete one of the main functions of our lives, and so we are a failure. (I also recognize that there are some women who don’t want kids, and feel that is fully their right and decision to make.) This feeling of failure can overtake us and consume the rest of our lives, leaving us feeling like we are a failure at everything and there is nothing we are good at. To even hint at a woman needing to do something more can compound the feeling of failure, or simply anger her, that somehow she hasn’t done everything she possibly can, because, believe me, she most likely has and is.

    Also, adoption is an absolutely amazing, fantastic thing, and many of us have considered it before even finding out we would have such troubles, but it’s not a substitution for pregnancy and certainly should never be considered in the hopes that it would prompt a pregnancy. It is its own separate, entire thing full of its own emotional battles, struggles, and sacrifices. To suggest it simply, can slight all that it is, and runs the risk of making a woman feel like all the battles, struggles, and sacrifices she has put in and the overwhelming and deep emotions that are tied to her soul about her desire to carry a child, are easily dismissed and put aside for this other “equal” option. (Apples and oranges – both food, both yummy and nutritious, both sating hunger, but very different experiences. And if you are really craving an apple, and someone offers you an orange, “Here,” you probably just feel like they weren’t actually listening to how much you wanted an apple, or that maybe it doesn’t really matter what you want. Again not to belittle adoption – oranges are good! And we have cravings for those, too.)

    Continued -

  4. I don’t know BTE very well, but it seems to be that she is struggling a bit with faith, as we all do in this situation, but that she is clinging to it, and choosing to trust God. She is pressing on towards the goal. As amazing as our churches can be, they are not always helpful in situations like this. It’s such a sensitive subject and often even our churches don’t know how to handle it. Sometimes being there can just make us feel more alone, as we want to connect with the body of Christ, but no one knows what to say to us, or how to bring comfort and encouragement, and all too often they ignore the matter, or walk far too gingerly around it, or toss about words that make our pain feel disparage, instead of allowing us a place to pour all that pain out and simply have it be heard and held in loving arms.

    As I said, you seem to have care for BTE, so I hope that something I’ve said gives continued ideas on how to care for and love her in the place she is.