Sunday, July 24, 2011

All Time High Pain

My pain has hit an all time high again.  I always have bad pain, but the last few days have been so bad.  I had a bad cyst, and had that removed, but am now still waiting for the pain to go away.  I am sick most of the time from this pain.  It is so frustrating, I don't even know what to do.

I had a wonderful date night with my husband.  We went out to see the new Transformers and ate a late dinner at BJ's.  It was a fun time and I really enjoyed just hanging out with my husband.  The sad part is that pain clouded a lot of the night.  I hate being this way. I feel like such a failure, and I know that I shouldn't.  I ended the night frustrated that once again my husband has to go without what he wants.  What makes me feel so much worse is how sweet he is about it.  He so didn't ask for this.  Going for as long as he does without is just not fair for him. 

I hung out with some friends today.  One who is even pregnant and not much farther than where I would have been.  I was actually enjoying our time and even enjoyed the young little baby without too many pains, but the physical pain become overbearing. 

I am so tired of dealing with this.  I have hit a breakdown and I don't know what I am suppose to do.  I am so tired of dealing with all of this.  I can't enjoy life, I can't fully enjoy my own husband and I hate it.  I want to scream and cry and throw a fit like a little 2 year old, but I can't. 

One of the things I finally pieced together this week has really just frustrated me to no end.   So for some you may want to stop reading because this can become way TMI.  So if you read, I did warn you.

I have noticed that every once in while I actually enjoy sex (kind of) for no reason or by no means because my husband only once in a while does something good.  Every time I end up having "good" sex ( I use "" for good because for the average person I know that all it means for them is that it was tolerable) I end up horrible sick after.  I end up violently throwing up and unable to stop.  The first time this happened I ended up in ER because I ended up vomiting blood.  I am sick and tired of this.  How does this make me even want to chance it ever again?  Yet, I love my husband and I enjoy being with him.  I desire so much to also enjoy that part of our marriage.  It leaves me so frustrated!  I cannot stand it. 

I will leave now with my short rant, and apologize for not having something more upbeat to share, but at this I am broken and pained and just don't have much to say about hope to feel better. 

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