Ruptured Cyst

This has been a long and hard week.  I the could sit here and explain in detail all that had happened, but I do not have the emotional strength to relive every detail.  To make a long story short.  After 32 days of not bleeding, while I knew that I had ovulated I decided to get my hopes up and take a stay at home pregnancy test.  It is very normal for me to have an abnormal cycle and go a long time with a period and also to go  short amount of time without a period.  32 days was a bit early to really get my hopes up, but this was the first time I have actually had a solid positive ovulation test outcome.  I wake up the next day, that I have decided to take the test.  I am trying hard to keep my hopes low.  My endometrial tissue is too low, and my scar tissue is too much, pregnancy is very unlikely.  The timer set, I get my breakfast ready.  My phone alarm starts ringing, and suddenly holding the stick I fear looking.  My heart starts pounding and I fail to catch my breath, could it really be?  Do I need my eyes checked?  So with a positive pregnancy test I begin to hope.  I don't do anything though, something holds me back from making phone calls and from making forward motion to confirm I have another life growing inside my messed up uterus. 

Hours later that night I start to experience very intense horrible pain in my abdomen.  My world starts to spin and I am over come with nausea.  Everything is a daze, but to make a long story short, I ended up with a ruptured cyst and a chemical pregnancy, leading to false labor.  My endo scar tissue created a closed off uterus and I had a bunch of blood and fluid from my period that had no place to go, which created an infection.  It was a long few days, but finally I am feeling better, at least physically.

I cannot even begin to make sense of my emotional state.  I had a friend who completely ignored me during this time, a friend who is suppose to be one of my best.  I have to deal with the sadness of a false pregnancy and the hope that brought me and then got ripped away, the physical pain, and the emotional pain of this set back, and then to top it off the realization that a friend, who I thought cared, doesn't, or at least doesn't care enough to make sure I know they care. 

I go back for an ultrasound on Friday May 6.  All I can do is pray, rest, pray, rest, and pray.  I am tired and I am hurting, and I have little hope.  One thing I do know, I have a God who is bigger than all of this, and He cares and He will get me through this.  I don't have any strength left, but He will get me through.

Dreaming of what could be,

Busted by Reality.

How can I hold on to Hope?

Tears that won't stop,

Sending friends away.

How can I hold on to Hope?

Desires given life,

Killed by a negative.

How can I hold on to Hope?

Missing what I have lost.

Dreading what may be.

How can I hold on to Hope?

Pain has come to rule the day,

Emotions lie to bring on tears

I will hold on to Hope,

Someday.