Well time sure does fly. I have been putting off posting for a while now. I keep thinking to myself "I will post tomorrow." Then tomorrow comes and I get busy, or I can't even get the strength to get out of bed to pick up the laptop and go back to bed. I keep thinking that I posted not too long ago, but yet that time keeps going away. Here is almost the end of March and I am finally writing. I don't even know what to write. So much has happened since my last post that I am unsure of where to even start.
I find it almost amusing the things I have learned about people through all the things I have gone through the last few months. I have shared a lot about myself on the site. A lot of my readers do not really know me, but there are some readers who do. This is why a lot of my writing doesn't not share names or clearly give exact details. I have still shared my feelings and my fears. I have opened up a lot of myself and shared things I am generally uncomfortable with. I am not a person who likes to show that I am in pain. I prefer to hid it and to not let it control my life. This pain and has taken control though, and it was time to share with people. I have stopped being social because of pain, not because I am a freak. When I can make it out and I make an effort to visit with you, I do so while in a lot of pain, even if you cannot see it. There have been a few friends I have attempted to sit down and talk to, face to face, about the issues that I am dealing with, but those so called friends just try to ignore my comments and hope I don't mention anything anymore. Some of my so call "best friends" have read my post, and yet have not said a single word to me. I mention a bad situation I am in, and those "best friends" never mention a single word to me, asking how things are going. How is it that they have fallen into the "best friend" place then? I guess when they are the only friends you have, you think they are good friends. When I moved here in October and have met new people. People who are friends, but I haven't known that long are more a friend to me. It amazes me.
These people have taken time out of their day to hang out me, to ask how things are going, and want to actually hear the truth, not just a superficial fine, so that they can complain about their problems. I guess all this has taught me what a true friend is, and that there are other people out there who think that being a friend means that same thing that I think it does. For my birthday this year, my husband had to be out of town. My new friends had a nicer little gathering for me, then my lifelong friends have ever done in my entire life, probably combined. It wasn't about doing something big and fancy, it was just about showing they cared and were my friends. That was cool. It gave me hope that it is possible to have real friends.
Since my last post my pain has grown to be almost out of control. I rarely have a moment of relief. I spent a weekend working at my old job. It was fun to get to visit with people, but it left me in a bad state of pain. My cramping got so intense it was crazy. If I hadn't had plans to get stuff done, I would have spent the next few days in bed. Instead of getting to stay in bed, I had to take my poor dog, Blu, to the vet for his last appointment. While is pain that made me want to pass out, my husband and I had to make the decision to put my dog down. It sucked. I have to make that big decision when I am so overcome with pain, while watching my dog be in pain. This was another moment in time when I realized how my "best friends" were not being real friends. I understand it is just a dog, and it was the best choice for him, and while it was sad in the moment, I am glad he doesn't have to suffer anymore, but for my friends to completely ignore the topic, that hurts. Life moves on though, and my next big event was close by, my doctor apointment.
For those of you that pray, I would appreciate them, since my husband and I are entering a new phase of my disease and have some big choices coming up. Thank you for taking the time to read this.