Painful Night

Tonight is a painful night.  Nights like this are very hard and exhausting.  You would think that exhaustion would lead to sleep, but usually not until the early morning while the rest of the world is just starting to wake up.  I try every trick I know to relieve the pain, hot pad, hot bath, pain medicine.  I try to lay in any position to lessen the pain enough to provide sleep.  I pray that my pain will just make me pass out.  Sadly all these pain filled nights bring are memories. Memories of sadness and happiness.

Tonight my mind is flooded of memories of my mother.  I wish that my had my box of pictures right now, so that I could scan them for you too see.  My mother was my hero.  There are times I wonder how I made it to where I am now without her guidance.  Some of you reading this were lucky enough to have met my mother, but most of you did not get to have that honor.  I wonder at times why the lose of my mother is still so hard to handle at times.  I went motherless at age 12, and now here I am 26, and I still desire my mother.  There are times that I get an overwhelming urge to pick up the phone and call my mom and share about the joys of my marriage.  I want to run to her and tell her about a horrible doctors appointment.  I cannot though.  There will always be dates that are etched in my mind forever, documenting her specials days.  Some years they go by and I don’t even notice what that date stood for, other times I am overcome with sadness.   The date of her death, the one that currently has me reminiscing is always one of the hardest dates.  I have done alright the last few years, but this year it hurts.  I want to talk to my mother about feelings right now.  I need her advice and her strength to keep my going right now.  She battled a brain tumor, and never doubted God.  She had to endure so much, and yet knew the fight would still end in death.  I need her guidance to help me fight and believe that it is still possible for me to have children. 

Another date that is hard is her birthday.  That was always such a wonderful time.  My mother shared her birthday with a wonderful friend, a second mother to me and my brothers.  They always shared in their celebration.  It was so wonderful to see those two wonderful women glowing with their friendship.  Her friend also had trouble conceiving, and of course at my young age I didn’t really understand anything that was really going on.  I do know that she had two daughter she had adopted and was raising in to wonderful girls, but of course she wanted her own.  My mother prayed for her for many years.  I can remember the day we learned that this friend was pregnant.  I do not remember the reaction of the one who was pregnant, but my mother was overjoyed.  She was so happy that her friend had finally had this dream come true.  This moment was just another time that I thought “I hope one day to be like her.  I want to share in my friends joys just as much.”

It is nice that after the years of growing that instead of being sad about her death, I can rejoice in her life.  While tonight is filled with physical pain, my brain is flooded with happiness, and I have gained the strength to make it through another night.  I have an example of a wonderful Women of God who is guiding me.  She showed me Jesus and save my life.  In death she still lives on and guides me.  Tonight in my pain, I live with hope.