Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Before Endo. Took Over

There was a time before endometriosis, medicine, pain and life when I was a happy, healthy, and hopeful young lady.  In a matter of a few years that all changed.  As you have all read, my past has not been one to instill a feeling of hope.  Despite that past I have always been hopeful and positive.  I went through a few years of endometriosis, with a hope that one day I would be pain free and able to have a children.  In the process of meeting my husband and dating, I had to share with him the truths of this disease, while it was hard to do, I never really believed that I would not have the ability to conceive.  I keep saying that I have only fought this for about 2 1/2 years, but that was how long it had been when I started dating.  Once I realized that it has actually been 6 years of fighting (and those are just the years that I actually pursued medical help) I began to lose my hope.  I looked back and saw all that endometriosis had caused me to lose.  The one thing I know I can be grateful about is that I married the most wonderful guy on the earth.  I know that no matter how bad things get I can look to him and realize that my life will still turn out all right, and I will always have love.

I remember the day I met my husband.  I tell you I had no idea that he would be mine some day.  He arrived at the camp I worked at, with his friend, to help with paintball.  The first thing I saw about this guy, even before I saw him, was some demonic looking bunny sticker on the back window of his S10.  We were at a small Christian camp up on the middle of the mountains, so this was a bit strange to see up there.  I asked his friend, who I had known for a few years, what kind of person he had brought to help with paintball.  I was told to have the owner of the truck explain it to me.  Well I am a bit of a shy person and don’t usually talk to guys, at least not first.  I tend to come across as rude, but in reality I am shy.  I was 20, and had never had a single date.  At the next meal I was sitting with my friend and his family, and the paintball helper joined us.  Here was my chance to ask him.  So I did.  He responded with an explanation about “Frank the Bunny” from Donnie Darko.  Next thing I knew my hour long lunch break was over.  I walked away finding it pretty amazing that I had just had a long conversation with a guy.  He came up a few times that year to help out with paintball, and we had some decent conversations, but the thought that we would fall in love and get married were no where near me. 

Finally in the summer of 2006 the paintball worker became maintenance summer staff.  As the summer went on and I developed a friendship with this guy, I realized that I desired more than friendship and so did a few of the other girls.  Girls who were bolder than me, and prettier than me.  There was a girl working in the coffee shop that summer, and we had ended up becoming friends and I confided in her my feelings for him.  Due to my endometriosis, I had put on some weight, so I did not look all that great.  The girl I confided got very close to him, they became really good friends.  It appeared that they would be dating soon, so I let myself forget about him.  I was hurt that even with her knowing my feelings she still had developed this friendship, but I tried to hide it, because she really was a wonderful girl and I enjoyed her friendship.  We did still do a lot of IM during the school year.  I kept the conversations causal  and tried to ignore the crush that I had.  During the winter he and his new wonderful girl, who swore they were just friends came up for a visit.  It was a nice few days with both of them.  I enjoy the conversations that I had, and I did have a friendship with the girl, so I tried to keep my jealousy in check.  My IM with him decreased, and I begin to think that I was over him.  I was still a bit jealous that he was so close with that girl, but I was over my crush.  When he showed up the next summer to work again, I didn’t have the nerves I had from liking him, and so we had a friendship again.  We started getting close and having some really good discussions.  I started to have my feelings again.  I would go home and get mad at myself for allowing my emotions to run wild.  I was so sure he had no feelings for me.  Then two weeks before we was suppose to leave and go back home, he asked me on a date.  It was a sweet date, we went to a nice dinner and a movie.  It was perfect for a first date.  The end of the night came and he walked me home, nothing was ever said about us starting a relationship.  He left and I was mad.  Not at him, but at myself.  I had always said I never wanted to date, just to date, yet here I had.  I wasn’t sure what to do.  Well I had put his weird movie on my Netflix and it arrived.  This was my last chance.  I had gone on the date, and he didn’t say anything to me.  I had to do what I could to let him know I was interested.  I invited him over two day after our date to watch Donnie Darko.  When I movie ended I wasn’t sure what to expect, but finally he started talking.  He told me that he had heard that I had a crush on somebody the summer before, and tried to weasel me out of who it was.  I broke down and told him it was him.  Turned out he already knew that because our mutual friend who I had shared with, had shared with him.  I spent a few minutes holding my breath, wondering what he would say about things now that he knew I had feelings for him.  He finally spilled to be his feelings, and so we began to date.  A year later we were engaged, and 3 months later we were married. 

I am now happily married to a wonderful man.  I may never have children, and that makes me sad.  I do not even know if I will ever be free from physical pain, but what I do know, is that I have a wonderful husband who will always be there for me.  It is funny how life turns out.  The girl I was so jealous about, is herself, happily married with a wonderful little boy and another baby on the way.  She shares about her life in her blog.  Follow her…http://shoni-walkwithme.blogspot.com/.  My last few blogs have been very depressing, and while all that I have written is true, and when it comes to my endometriosis I hold very little hope,  my life is not at all bad.  I am blessed and as long as I have my husband by my side I will have the strength to carry on.

To see my wedding pictures go to…http://www.heatherdunnphotography.com/Weddings/Dianna-and-Steven

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