Thursday, December 2, 2010

Strength from the Past

My past has had many hardships as I was an adopted child who lived in bad conditions, however none of those compare to the day I lost my mother. Many do not understand this fact since she was not my birth, or in their eyes real, mother.  That is the fact they get wrong.  I may not be flesh of her flesh but I was made and raised from her heart, and she was my real mother.
In 4th grade I remember coming home and for the first time my mother was gone with no explanation.  I could just not understand how that could be.  I spent the afternoon attempting homework, but wondering and worrying about what had happened.  Then walk in my mother and my father, together with a look of disbelief.  Without even knowing what was going on, my heart sunk.  Somehow at the age of 9 I knew that things would never be the same.
The family was gathered, at least all that was still living at home, my parents, two of three of my older brothers, and myself and the news of my mother's brain tumor was broken.  The final blow of it all, she was going to die, it was just a matter of time.  I cannot remember much of anything else that went on, but I remember my thoughts.  How can this be, my best friend, my hero, my only true mother.  I had been adopted at the age of 5 and now I was 9, how could that be enough time?  What was I going to do?  She was my everything.  The first person in my life who ever showed me love, not just love, but God's love.  The past from before I was adopted will come later, but from that past I had turned into a rotten child.  The first thing I did when welcomed into this home was throw all the books from the bookshelf, that my mother and father selflessly set up just for me, and threw them all onto the ground.  I couldn't even take a two minute time out without rebelling.  I stole snacks and lied about it, I was horrible.  This mighty women of God though took me in, showed me love, patience and kindness and changed me and helped me to become a child of God, but she was going to suffer and die.  I still needed her guidance, how could this be?
My mom through the miracle of God was given the joy of life until I was 12 and in the 6th grade.  The worst time for me to lose my mother, for I had not yet begun all the female stuff and now had to endure without her.  I could go into great detail about the time that my mother bravely and joyfully suffered through her tumor, but that is not where this is going.  What I can say she suffered a lot and never once did she get angry at God (sure she question and asked why and got mad) for doing this too her, she knew that He had a plan and His will needed to be done and that me, her three sons, daughter-in-law, husband, and many friends would be cared and loved and comforted by God.  The details of her illness are many and painful and sad, yet happy and sweet.  I remember most my mom's smile, my mothers kindness and patience for others still even in her greatest time of need.  Even though my time with my mother was far to short, I would not have traded the things she taught me in that time, nor the time we spent and conversation we had for anything in this world.
My mother, my true mother, though I am not flesh of her flesh, in her fight with cancer gave me the endurance to handle the many hurdles that came at me in my future.  I would have loved to have had my mother actually there to talk to, but I would not have the example or the knowledge that I now have.
One chilly evening at the age of 12 I sat in a hospital room surround by family and friend and watch and listened to my mother pass away.  The sadness I had was great, but knowing she was with the Lord and living her biggest desire helped to heal my pain.  I don't remember everybody who was there or who gave me hugs, but I remember hugging each and every brother and the messages that carried.  We may have gone our own ways now, but nothing will ever make me forget that time and that love and the strength we gained from being together.  Then there was the hug from my father, that said to me, we are gonna be scarred, but our wounds would heal and we would be strong again.
Through all this I learned that even though I hate that my mother had to suffer and be taken away from me, without this experience I would not be who I am, I would not know the kind of faith that I know today.  God can do anything and comfort anybody.  Things may happen, but it will be for His good.  This lesson I learned from my mother and only through her death did I truly learn this lesson and actually take to heart what she taught me. I love my mother always and miss her always, but I thank her daily for her lessons of strength, faith, and love.  Without her I would be worlds away from my Lord.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

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