Saturday, December 4, 2010

Just One of Those Nights

Well here is at 12:45 AM listening to Glee music attempting to shut down for a solid nights sleep, but no such luck. I am so tired of being unable to sleep, especially after getting only a few hours in the last 48 hours.  I have tried every trick in the book to sleep, but for some reason I have this strange body that does not respond to many things (as proven with all the different treatments for my endometriosis that have turned to failure).  Why does it seem at night these things all have to come to surface.  The pain that has been semi livable all day suddenly become so intense it turns my stomach, makes me dizzy.  This, of course, does help my thoughts and emotions to stay in check so that I may sleep.  When I do sleep it not from passing out due to pain, not real sleep.  How does this help?  I am still trying to figure that out.  Night time should probably not be the time that I write since that is when I find it the hardest to focus on what I should.  GOD.
I have a wonderful life.  My husband is way too good for me.  I have no idea how I became so blessed with this man.  As some can imagine the endometriosis that I suffer from is not only my debilitating pain, but his also to suffer through, and yet all he has ever treatment me with is love, kindness, gentleness, and patience.  I truly love this man and I daily thank God for this huge blessing in my life.  We just moved where we are now close to family, and wonderful family at that.  My dream from the day I was adopted has been to have a huge and close family. God once again proved himself and gave me that dream.  My husband has a wonderful job and he comes so happy.  What more does God need to provide me with?  I tell you the truth is nothing.  He has already provided all my needs and so many more blessings.  I desire children though.   Daily I go through struggling with this desire.  I know that no matter what I will love God and I will trust him, but, honestly, it is hard.  The hard part is I end the day with this thought strongly in my mind and in my heart and then night happens.
The pain begins and the sadness hits.  My sleepless nights become longer and longer, which do not help to control my thoughts and emotions.  This is why I have begun writing, in hopes not only to open myself up, but as a form of therapy to help me sort through my feelings that tend to hit unbelievable hard at times.  There is also that small hope that maybe some one out in the cyber world is also struggling and maybe, just maybe, I can provide a little bit of encouragement for them.  This last week I feel like maybe I just writing to myself and it feels like nobody is reading, but I can live with that.  I take a look around this site and see that most of the blogs on here are mostly just product reviews, craft ideas, parenting tips, ect., but that is alright with me.  My prayer is that God will use my hands on this keyboard to bring me healing and comfort to a few. 
I end this post with the sadness that I feel, for even after highlighting my blessing at this time I am still overcome with pain and sadness that I still have no children.  The hardest thing for me lately has been watching friends, family, and even strangers become pregnant and carry through a normal term and give birth to beautiful health babies.  I am happy for this, for I see this as one of the biggest blessing we can receive as humans, aside from finding a wonderful and loving spouse for life.  I have had to really trust as I see many mothers to be holding glasses full of alcohol or a cigarette and wonder why they are allowed the privilege (though most of those see as a curse) of being with child.  I know, I know, trust God.  He can do anything He sees fit.  I know He can allow this blessing to befall to me, but the thing I struggle with is, Will HE allow me?  Will He allow my husband to father a child? 
Well I suppose this is enough rambling from me for now.  Most of you, if not all of you have already stopped reading this.  Until my next ranting, or many sharing of my past.  Bye for now.

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