Wednesday, December 1, 2010

A Start

Well not really sure what has lead me to this.  I enjoy writing, but I don't feel I am that good at it.  I have had my share of struggles and I hope that through writing I can share what I have learned with others and also continue to help myself grow.  I have learned through the years and through all my pain that even in the worst of times God is always watching and guiding.  With Him at your side the pain can not just be a wound but can be a healing and a lesson.
I am sure that in time I will catch you all up on my past, but right now this is my present and at the moment one of my biggest challenges.   I have been fighting with endometriosis since 2005 at the age of 20.  This case can be anywhere from mild to severe.  There is no cure, just an attempt to control.  My case is not only a severe case, but for some reason has been unable to control.  I have had many specialist who just continue to pass me off to the next specialist.  I currently have a good doctor is not giving up on me, but is still struggling to gain control.  It used to be that I was too young to really have much done since I was unmarried and not near having children.  Now that I am happily married the desire to have children has become strong.  My husband and I have never actually been able to try knowing that I was unable to and that all my treatments made it impossible.  Yet still even with all those treatments and test (which I never would wish onto anybody) I am still in my horrible position, in pain, hormonally messed up, childless and still uncertain of how I will have my own.  I have had many things go wrong in my life, yet God has always provided me a hope and a comfort.  I have had my moments of doubt in those times, but God has always proven faithful and I have had many lessons of trust and faith.  This current situation has tested all those lessons my past has taught me.  I have been in so much pain and cannot understand how this is okay.  I could handle the pain if I knew in the end I would have a child, the pain would then be worth it, but I do not have have that security.  I am not sure what I will do if I cannot get pregnant.  I know that I have to trust God, I just hope that I can continue to do so. 
I guess that is my hope with this blog, if I can continue to write and be open with myself then maybe I can sort through my feeling and thoughts and keep things clear and be able to clearly see where God has stepped in and taken control.  My hope and my plan with this blog is to keep up with my current situation and to document God's control and love, but to also share my past in a hope that others can learn and maybe even grow from my lessons learned the hard way.

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