That night in the hospital was a horrible night. I felt like the longest night of my life and at the same time it all passed so quickly and can barely remember a thing. I remember having so much pain and pressure on my stomach, I remember seeing a huge bulging mass sticking out of my already massively fat stomach (thanks for nothing fertility meds!). I was throwing up every hour it seemed, though I honestly don't know how I could have managed to have anything left to lose. I was miserable. Finally after a late night/early morning draining, mix of morphine and anti-nausea meds I was able to get a little bit of sleep.
"Yes, you have my permission, take out whatever you need to keep her okay!" I could hear in his voice a fear that I've never heard before. I could hear the tears that he rarely ever cries. In our entire relationship my dear husband has only cried twice and I've only seen it once. Once was when we were dating and I had a bad pain day and he literally carried me into my house. The next day he told me he felt so helpless and on his walk home, in the darkness of the night in the mountains he dropped to his knees and cried out for a way to take this pain away. Since this day he has told me that seeing me rushed off for emergency surgery was 100 times worse than that night.
I was awake enough to hear this conversation. I remember willing myself to reach out and touch his hand, if I could just hold his hand for a second I know everything would be okay. My body failed to obey, it just wouldn't move, wouldn't respond, no matter how hard I tried it wouldn't work and my world begin to fade into darkness.
When I woke up again I was confused. I looked around at surroundings trying to figure out what was going on, willing myself to think back to my last memory. That's when I remember my husband's voice. I let out a gasp feeling frantic to find my love when a nurse appeared at my side and calmly explained I had been rushed into surgery. She took my vitals and begin the transition into my room while reassuring me that I would see my husband soon.
"They had to remove your left ovary and took part of your right. I'm so sorry babe, I had to let them." I gave him a small smile, reached for his hand "I love you, lets focus on that." So we sat (well I laid), hand in hand until I drifted off to sleep, content that for now we were still together and we were both okay.