Sunday, April 21, 2013

I'm Not Okay

Recovery was a long and painful process this time, problems with my mother-in-law didn't help.  My husband we relying on her while he was away and she bailed and I was left to fend for myself.  There was so much to process during this time, physically and emotionally.  I had beat cancer and I was facing the reality of that, but also so grateful that those painful swollen ovary times would be finally done.  Maybe it was possible to move on and dream about the possibility of being a homeowner and a mother through adoption.

As I recovered the weather warmed up and we hit spring time.  I even managed to get outside a few times to shoot some fun pictures of the blossom's on my in-law's Almond trees.  With spring come pollen and with pollen come allergies.

I won't take a lot of time or space filling up on this allergy time because I'm still healing from it and I'm still trying to process.  My allergies got horrible and I ended up with a sinus infection and a lung infection which causes such bad coughing that I broke a rib.    I ended up in the hospital with my O2 extremely low, my iron low and my glucose dangerously low.  My heart rate and dropped significantly and I was on death's door.  I can't even remember the trip to the ER and my husband tells me that I was taken back and started being treated before he even had me checked in and paperwork filled out.

I'm home now and recovering and other than being sore from my broken rib and still having sinus issues I'm doing much better.  I'm afraid to hope I'm getting better.  I'm afraid to leave my house and attempt to be normal.  I suppose I have good reason because despite having my cancer gone my one remaining ovary is still having issues. This lead to blood work and testing again.

My hormones were way off, but my test results showed it was possible I might have ovulated and so begin a 2ww that I hadn't planned on.  When my  period was a day "late" I didn't think much of it, but after 4 days I decided it was time to POAS which was a BFN.  No surprise really.  Then 2 more days passed and I decided to test again, maybe it was still early, no surprise there, another BFN.  When the end of the day arrived and still no sign of AF I begin to question the tests and hope that maybe they were just wrong, after all my HCG are never as high as they should be thanks for my messed up body.  I decided to wait it out, but the next day my AF showed with a vengeance and I was devastated.  Though I didn't know why I was.  I felt nothing when my test were negative, but when AF showed I was broken.

To top it off my SIL decided it was time to invite me to her 3D ultrasound.  I'm still waiting on responding to her message.  I will decline I'm just dragging my feet about what reason to give her.  I would tell her the truth, but I fear it won't be cared about and will only cause me more pain the next time her and my MIL forget about me.

All I know is I'm afraid of my body failing, I'm afraid I'll live a childless life forever, and I'm afraid my children will always be forgotten.  I appreciate all the support I've had from my twitter family, but now that I'm healing they just like to remind me how strong I am and how happy they are that I'm okay, but the truth is...


  1. You really have been through a lot of late. With each AF I too feel devastated. Sometimes I feel like I died a little with each broken dream. I will never have a biological child now. My spouse and I scrimped and saved up for donor eggs. We've got one shot at this and that is it. I'm afraid I'll lose this dream too. Yeah, the family issues, I get that. Just wishing you didn't have to suffer so much with the allergies on top of trying to physical recover from the cancer. The emotional recovery I'm not even getting into with you as we both know that is going to be along uphill battle as it is with every loss of hope.

    (((( Hugs ))))

  2. I'm so sorry hun, you have had such a tough time. Please take care and try not to be too down you need time to heal.
    I have been TTC for almost 4 years and will be embarking on IVF before the year is out and part of me dies every time someone else announces a pregnancy. My brother had a baby in January and its been so hard.
    This year I just gave up ever thinking I'd have a child and I've been grieving my fertility. You are not alone xxx

  3. You are incredible. You have such an amazing attitude. You WILL have a child some day -it is meant to be purely because you deserve it and have so much love in you. I believe it will happen 100%.