#4 Brings us Closer

I apologize for not updating yesterday.  I was no in the best of place, which I guess lets you know the outcome.

I went in that morning to the lab to have my blood drawn, but I felt it was useless.  After a restless 4 hours of sleep I woke to horrible cramping, and yep, a ton of red blood.  My lab was pretty full, but I found a place to sit with a few empty seats around it.  I really didn't want to be caught up in some superficial conversations.  While I sat there 3 preggo bellies passed in front of me on their way for glucose testing.  Then just 2 seats down another one is talking on the phone about how they just had their drink and now have to sit and wait an hour before they can get their drink.  She went on and on about how frustrated she was.  She said she was tired of that thing controlling her.  Ugh!  Really?  I'll take it.  I'll turn my whole world upside down for the chance, oh wait, I've done that already.

I was begging for my named to be called at any moment.  I was struggling to not jump up and punch that women in the face. I just wanted to knock some sense into her.  How can you not imagine the miracle you are holding there.  How can you not love it so much, that an hour long glucose test is totally worth it?  Then while I'm slightly begging for my name to be called next, and a women and her niece sit next to me.  Low and behold the women is pregnant.  While sitting there the reception walks to us, hand the women her drink for the test and then ask me to confirms my number. The young women overheard this conversation and asks me which flavor drink I choose?  What the crap?  She asked for my number, not for choice of flavor.  Before I have a chance to answer she is asking me how far along I am and going on about how she still has morning sickness and she's so tired of it.  I know my OHSS made me hugely bloated, plus, well I am fat, but really?  Thankfully, at the moment I was attempting to figure out what to say, my name was called and it was time to get up.

The lab tech I had was great.  She saw that it was a pregnancy test, but knew enough about where the order was coming from to be careful what she said.  She asked about my blood, and I explained, and I saw that look at her face.  She knew as well what was happening.  She found my vein easily, despite being slightly dehydrated and quickly got what she needed.  She bandaged my arm and said I would know by 3, and she would try to push it faster, but couldn't promise anything.

For the rest of the day, each time the phone rang my stomach knots grew.  Finally I had the call I was dreading  waiting for.  Beta was at 21.  I should have been closer to 50.  I always had had those faint lines, and it was explained that meant that at a minimum I would have been at 25.  They asked about my bleeding and how my OHSS was doing, and it all came down to the fact that I'm miscarrying our 4th child. I'll go back for one more Beta to just make sure it is not an ectopic, but it everything points to miscarriage.

That evening when my husband came home, I didn't have to say much.  He asked if I got the result and I just looked at him, and he knew.  It's the first time I've seen a look of hopeless cross his face, and I hope I never have to see that again.  He was supportive, he hugged and we spent the evening talking, watching Lost and just being together.  This situation sucks.  I hate that I'm there again.  My faith in God is being shaken like never before, but the one thing I do know.  I have an amazing husband.  He is so much more than I deserve, and no matter what happens I know together we will make it.