Surrounded by Children, yet Childless

This weekend was a huge test of my strength.  Everyday from Friday until today I spent around children, from 1 month old up to 4 years old.  Sunday was the hardest of them all . We went to a birthday part for a one year old.  This was hard to watch for so many reasons as I am sure other infertile women can understand.

The hardest part though was that we brought a long a cute little 3 year old girl with us because her parents had to work and couldn't bring her.  It felt so nice and so natural to me to gather food for her, to help her.  It was so a bittersweet moment.  I was surrounded by people I didn't know very well, so I had to hold it together, but I could feel myself breaking.  Thankfully I never broke down, though it was tough as I watched my husband interact with the children.  I wish I could give him a child of his own.  I know he would be an amazing father.  The little girl we watched was so sweet and my husband was great with her.

Today in the "aftermath" so to speak of a child filled weekend my heart feels like it's breaking.  If I never get to have a child will I ever lose this feeling?  Will I ever stop grieving the fact that I've been unable to provide my husband with a child?

In my attempt to hold things together I did get to snap a few pictures of my husband hanging out with the little girl.  It wasn't until later in the evening when I finally looked at them that my break down happened.

Why can't we have our own?

Here are a few of my favorites for the night.  I wish I could give him one.