Thursday, March 3, 2011

Did I lose my only Chance?

It seems like it has been months since my last posting, but in reality it has only been about half a month since my last posting.  The last few posting had to do with my 30 day blog, but I am going to put that on hold for now.  I only did that so I could keep up on my blog while I was unable to push myself past my pain.  Even now as I am sitting here and writing this I struggle to find the words I want to use.  I always struggle to share what is really going on.  I know I write this blog, to help myself and for others, but it is still a challenge to fully open up.

The last few weeks I have not been doing well at all.  I walk around each day, and for the most part nobody even realizes how I am truly doing.  That is my own doing and so I do not blame anybody.  I hate that my life is ran by a disease.  I know that a lot of my readers are facing these same problems.  It may not be endometriosis that you are dealing with, but all the same, you have no control over your life.  As a good Christian women I am suppose to be okay with that, since God has control.  In the Christian world, if I take a moment to complain, or share at all my feelings of pain, and my struggles to be content with God's plan then I am not a good Christian.  Now, not only do I have to live in horrible pain, deal with the fact I may never have my own children, and have out of control hormones, but I also have to live with being judged because I have these thoughts and feelings.  It is not seen that even though I may express these feelings, I am still attempting to follow God, and to trust that this time will mold me into a women who is even more in love with God.  I praise God for the moments I have the strength to just get out of bed.  I praise Him when I am able to fall asleep and stay asleep for more than 30 minutes.  I may rant and I may share what is really going on, or what has really gone on in my life, but I know that I am blessed by and Amazing God.  I share in hopes of reaching just one person struggling to trust.  I share in hopes that I can grow.  I share because I believe God has asked me to.  I share so that God may be seen.  That all said I believe now I will share why my weeks have not been very good.

My pain has been horrible.  I am thankful to have my wonderful husband who is working hard so that I don't have to get up each day and go to work.  I don't know how I would be if I had to get up every day and make it to a job.  I am sorry for those of you that have to.  I have done that.  I did it for years with very physically demanding job.  My endometriosis is causing so many problems.  I rarely sleep, as you can see from my late night ranting.  My hormones are so messed up that I never know from one moment to the next what emotion I am going to be feeling.  I sleep so little that my muscle ache as though I am always fighting the flu.  Isn't enough that I have cramps that knock me to the ground.  My sleep habits have become something to worry about now.  I rarely get more than 2 hours of sleep at one time.   My hair is falling out in clumps.  I have long thick hair and I have always shed a lot, but this is different.  I can actually notice my hair is getting thinner.  My joints ache all the time, when I am laying in bed trying to sleep at night my knees start to express their long day, even if all I did was lay in bed for most of due to my major cramping pains.

I am in pain.  I cannot walk.  I cannot live.  I cannot breathe.  Fighting my pain.  Trying hard to hold onto whatever hope I have.  As I lay in bed losing my vision from the pain of my cramps I am reminded of my past.  I cannot help but wonder if that was my last chance.  I then begin to play the game of "if only."  If only I had: gone to the doctor, been more honest, not taken no as an answer, pursued testing.  When that dark day hit me in September I wonder if it was the moment that could have saved me from today.  That moment could have forced me to go to the doctor and the first signs of Endometriosis could have been found.  These are the thoughts that flood my dreams during the nights of no sleep and of horrible pain.  It is weird; I would rather never live that moment, the moment a gift was stolen that I had been saving for my husband.  Now as I know what I know, I realize that God hates that I have had to endure what I did, but sometimes He has to allow the bad to wake us up.  Had I been braver I could have been treated back then for my disease.  The one night didn't seem to be enough to wake me up.  Sitting in a shower as I had blood flooding out of me, which still wasn't enough. I realize that now.  I know that I am a stronger person because of what I went through.  I know that God will use everything for His good.  I know I was young, so how was I supposed to know what to do?  I had no guidance.  My mother had already died three years before that.  How was I supposed to know I needed more help?  My only advice was that all women have cramps, deal with it.  I held on to bitterness for this advice for many years, but now, I am free.  I apologize for the way I write this, it is a bit coded.  That is the way I write.  I sometimes find I can say more by saying less.  Even though this has the wisdom of today, it is written with the feelings of my yesteryear. 

I hate that I have to deal with disease.  I grieve for the children I never got to hold and will possibly never get to carry.  I worry about the ifs of my future, when I know that I shouldn't.  I want a cure that will lead to children and no pain, but I will be content with no more pain.  While I long for pregnancy, I am happy with my husband and the love that we share.  I struggle to be happy, but God and my love are all I need to be blessed in this life.  I want to live, I want to breathe, and I want to feel.  For now I have no life away from pain, I can't catch an easy breath, and I want to be numb.  For now I cannot help but wonder if I lost my only chances because I lacked the courage and the wisdom. 

I have a doctor appointment on March 21.  I fear it and I look forward to it.  I fear what it may show me, but I hope for it to lead me to less pain. For those of you, who have your own stories, please feel free to comment.  I would love to know what you do during our moments of hopelessness.

No comments:

Post a Comment