Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Facts Mean Nothing

When pain become unbearable what is suppose to be done?  Laying awake in the middle of the night and my endometriosis pain has become so intense that my stomach is churning and my head is spinning.  I want to yell and cry, but instead just pray that I pass out from the pain instead.  I have tried so many different things to try to help my pain, but for some reason it does not give me relief.  I have found that during the day when there is work to be done I am able to push past my pain and stay focused on the task at hand.  I never forget the pain I am, every movement becomes a massive chore, but at least my mind can be free of all the thoughts that come with the pain.  Then night falls and it is time to attempt to sleep.  Sleep, well really the lack of, gives my mind the time to be fully hit with the pain and how much picking up that box, or picking up that sock that fell on the ground really did hurt me.  My brain has become fully awake while the rest of my body is arguing for sleep and relief.
The mind goes crazy during the long hours at night when the rest of the household is peacefully sleeping and dreaming.  I have many things that enter my mind at times like this, but rarely any that hold real hope.  I read and I write at times like this.  I read in an attempt to gain some hope, and I write in hopes that my brain will finally shut down and I can sleep.  Instead what happens is the reading slowly drains what little hope I have managed to gain back through the day.  The writing still helps, so at least there is on good from all of this.  There are times when I just need to express the thoughts that are killing my spirit. 

I frantically search for blogs and websites hoping for a different treatment for endometriosis.  I read numerous success stories of pain relief  from treatments I have already repeated a half a dozen times, well maybe only 3 or 4 times.  I move onto the next blog and I hear the story once again.  Pain and trouble having children leading to many doctors until they find the one who performs surgery and suddenly they feel great were able to have that child they desired!  They share in the blog how many times it seemed unlivable and hopeless, but to hold onto hope, the pain can be fixed and you can have children.  Those women then have the children and end it all with a hysterectomy.  I want to believe in that hope.  The stories are so happy, how can it not be happy when you have children out of it.  It does make it all worth it, but when is one suppose to "give up?"  Nothing that I read points to any new developments or treatments.  When do I stop repeating a treatment.  If the fourth and fifth time didn't make me feel better why is the sixth or the seventh going to be any different.  I am three surgeries into my endometriosis and still have horrible pain and no children.  I know, I am suppose to keep having hope.

God can do anything, right?  I do believe this to be true, but just because He has the ability to do something does not mean He will.  Does he really want me to endure a few more years feeling this way?  My life is on hold because I am stuck waiting to find out if I can have kids.  My hope is gone, but I have to keep going on as though I have the hope.  I am struggling to maintain a happy face when I find that others are getting pregnant.  I have to attempt to be supportive when I hear of people trying when I know they are not meant to be a mother yet.  When the life they are going to be bringing that baby into is unfit, yet they not only try, but succeed to have children.  I have to be careful as well that I do not show my hurt and pain and sadness if the day comes and I find I cannot have children for fear that maybe I will somehow say that my current life means nothing without children.  That is not the case.  I have a wonderful family, and wonderful husband who is all I need and ever will need, but even that cannot fully take away the desire to have kids.  I want to always make clear that my husband is good enough for me.  It will only be through his love and his support that I will be able to keep going.

Some of you may have noticed that I have named my blog "The Pain of Growing to Trust" which seems to be the farthest things from what I write now.  I named it that so that I can have a focus.  I am learning to trust that God is in control and has a wonderful plan.  I do not know what that plan will bring, I do not have hope that it will bring me children, but I trust that it is a mighty plan.  This is where the pain comes from.  The pain comes from being human and lacking all understanding.  In the time to come, I know that God will show His plan, and all this pain will be so silly, but I will have a trust that nothing can destroy.  In the meantime I attempt to understand with much failure, pain, and hopelessness. 

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