Thursday, January 13, 2011

A Moment of Doubt and Sadness

Well it is time to write again.  Sometimes I find it so easy to write and share, and other times it is the hardest thing to do.  I get into this mood where I want to shut out the world and not share anything with anybody.  Now I do tend to be in that mood most of the time since I am a loner at heart.  I like to keep to myself.  You all have now read a bit of my life.  There is still so much I could share, but sometimes it is so hard to write about, not just because I want to keep things to myself, but because coming from the writer side it can just be hard to put into words.  I also tend to not edit myself on this thing, since usually I will end up just deleting the whole thing and not end up sharing.  I am holding onto a hope that this blog  is helping somebody.  I know it is helping me to grow and to learn to share. 
Lately things have been hitting me in a weird way lately.  I am tired of all my hormones being messed up.  It seems that everywhere I look I am seeing or hearing that somebody new became pregnant.  I am seeing horrible people being given the gift of children.  I cannot understand why this is okay.  I know everything is in God's hands, but why? I have to stand by and watch good people try time after time and are not able to conceive while idiots are giving birth.
I am trying to keep a level head about all that, and I believe I am doing an alright job at trusting God, but I know that I am doing a poor job of it.  I don't think it is enough to know that God has a plan, I KNOW it, but why can't I trust it, and not just trust it, but be okay with it.  Why can't I not just be okay with His plan, but also be joyful about it.  Should it not be enough that I am a daughter of Christ and that I have a loving God guiding and protecting me who has blessed me in so many good ways.
I will end this by assuring you all that I am okay and that I will be alright.  I have my moments of doubt, my moments of sadness, but I have an amazing God, and a wonderful and loving husband who helps me come back and realize my joy. 

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