Tuesday, December 14, 2010

The Future of Relationships

Well this blog is not going to be some emotional draining writing.   Just a little update on what life is teaching me and challenging me with. 
Recently, partially due to my writings and also a desire I have just always had, I wanted to get back in touch with my sister.  When I was about 10 we got in contact with each other and stayed that way until I was about 21.  Sadly no fault of either of us, for we still had to desire.  She however moved around a lot and we just lost contact since she didn't have internet access.  I then moved recently and knew that she now would not have my address and I did not want to lose contact forever and I did not want that.  When I was 20 I had gotten contact from my biological aunt and even got to meet her when I went to Washington to visit family up there.  It was a bit of a strange relationship.  I wanted to get to know her, but not in the same way that she wanted to get to know me.  I was not against the idea of us developing a close relationship, but knew that it would take time to get to know each other; however, she wanted that close relationship to happen at first meeting, and was a bit upset when she sense that I was not instantly open to her like I would be a real aunt.  I learned that she had known about me my whole life, and had tried to be apart of my life even when got separated from my brother and sister.  I did not know about her until I was 20, so I hadn't built up any feelings for her, and so I needed time, she didn't like that idea and so our contact with each other was ended.  To me this was not much of a sadness, but I soon realized that she was the one connection I had to get in contact with Mary, my sister.  Well now at age 25 I had to use her to get in touch with Mary, but I no longer had her address so I didn't know what to do.  Suddenly I remember that she owned Sassy's Diner in my old hometown.  That address was easy to find.  So I wrote to my aunt praying that we could: 1). Begin again and with more reality this time, and 2). Get my sister's address.
Friday I received a letter from my aunt.  It was a short letter, which is nice.  We must start somewhere, and with it I had 3 other addresses: my sister, my grandmother, and my birth mother.  Now a difficult decision stands in my future.  I have written my sister and my grandmother because with my sister we share a past and a relationship, my grandmother is so old and unhealthy that it would be nice to at least got to know a little about her.  The hard one is my biological mother.  My aunt has shared with me a bit about her.  She is a bit mentally handicapped, and also her long use of drugs and alcohol have messed her up a bit.  She does desire to have contact with her kids, which is a good sign, but she still views us as the little babies she had.  She had no concept of the passing of time.  I am not sure what damage will happen if she finds out we are all grow up and that we were not raised by her.  She never wanted us to go away in the first place.  This is just a weird situation since we were forcefully taken away from her.  I did ask my sister if she has contact my mother so hopefully soon I will receive a letter back from Mary explaining more to me so I can make a decision. 
When I was younger I remember wanting to meet my biological parents and to find out more about my past, but as I grew older I learned more and more, and it makes me want to learn less.  It wasn't like I had a parent who did the best thing for me and gave me away.  I had a biological father who just ran away, a mother who continued to do drugs and drink while pregnant, and did many other horrible things to me and my siblings after we were born. 
I am going to wait for now before making any big decisions.  Prayer is all I can do now.  God will make it clear to me what I am going to do, and how to go about all of this.  I know that whatever the outcome is of all this, God is only going to grow me into something better, so for now I wait for His commands.

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