Saturday, January 22, 2011

Asking is Okay

It is so funny how life can be at times.  In just a moment your life can change.  Most of the time it seems that it can be a challenge to maintain a happy and joyful view of life.  It amazes me how much this one small disease has changed my life.  When I first learned of my endometriosis I had a lot of hope.  My doctors gave me a lot of reason to hope for a future of children, but as time went on my doctors have seemed to have lost hope.  My current doctor has not ever said that, and I am not sure he will until the day we have to make the choice for me to have a hysterectomy.  I have undergone numerous treatments and test, many that you have read about, but many I have still not had the chance to write about. 

The last few times I have gone into the doctor he has been very brief and unable to give me more information.  It has been discouraging.  He is hoping to lead me to a treatment that allows for children, but he cannot promise that.  Watching his change in how he talks to me, and how is hopefulness has seemed to have disappeared has taken away a lot of my hope.  How am I suppose to maintain hope when my doctor does not even have the hope?

I try to stay an upbeat and positiver person through all of this, but I struggle with it daily.  I am struggling to accept that I may never get to have my own children, while I have to see all around women becoming pregnant when they have no ability to mother.  I struggle with this daily.  I have to doubt myself during those times, since I know I have something greater than a doctor on my side.  I have a God, who can make anything happen.  I wonder why I am unable to have children.  Is it because I actually will not be a great mother?  Is there something wrong with me?  I have to work at not allowing myself to dwell on these thoughts and to continue to have hope.

Pain has become a way of life.  I have tried diets, medicine, heat, and cold.  I have tried so many different things that I cannot even remember them all, and have repeated many things, hoping that maybe this time it will help.  There are times that I think, if only my pain was gone I would have the belief that God will provide me with children.  My pain causes me so many problems.  For one thing it is a pain.  I have so much pain that I can barely walk each day, yet I have to keep living my life, which does include walking.  Some of you may not care to know all the details that the pain brings, but as you know I am married.  It does create a lot of problems.  I have no idea how I was so blessed with such an understanding husband, but how is it right that he to has to suffer?  He reassures me daily that he does not suffer, but it is not right that many times I cannot be in the mood for him.  Many times I have to desire to be close to my husband, but I cannot because of my pain.  There are times I think it won't make it worse so why not.  I do love my husband and have the desire, but in the end my pain is made worse for hours after and I wonder if it is worth repeating, which doesn't help for the next time and doesn't help me be aroused for the next time.  I apologize now if this is information that you did not want to read about. 

One of the hardest things to work through is the lack of understanding people have to for endometriosis, even with those who have it.  Every case is different and the doctors, and everything you read online make that very clear.  Some of those with the disease believe that just because one treatment helped them, that it will help everybody, so when you inform them that it didn't help they just get confused and start to assume you did something wrong to make it not help.  They tell you to try it again (even though you already tried it again, and then also again, and many times again after that), they make stupid comments that basically show that they do not care since all they cared about is that they got relief.  Some of them are even naive enough to believe they are cured, but there is yet to be a cure.  There is only a hope to control.  Those without the disease lack understanding, and while they may want to sympathize, forget to ask questions.  I have not understood fully why everybody does.  For some the fear of looking stupid for not understanding prevents the questions, for some it is lack of caring (nothing is wrong with the, so they don't care).  Many people forget to ask their loved ones with this problem how things are going, if there is any progress.  For some I am sure they may get tired of asking somebody when all the answers given are negative.  For those of us fighting with endometriosis it can be a great encouragement to be asked how we are doing, not just find out if we have been able to gain control, but how we are dealing with the disease.  It is so easy for many of you to just tell us, we are praying and not give us another though, but remember, we are hurting, not only with pain, but with the emotional problems the pain brings about.  For many of us endometriosis, not not just bring about pain that we have during our normal daily activities, but has taken away and changed many of our daily activities.  Endometriosis has taken over our lives.  Do not be afraid to ask those around you with this how they are doing, and be willing to actually listen to them, and don't be afraid to ask for more details clearly explaining what they are saying. 

People are funny beings.  I have been amazed at how some of my best friends do not even know how much I struggle, because they never cared to ask.  They know I have endometriosis, but that is it, they haven't even bothered to ask what exactly it is.  They know I may never have kids, but I bet for the most part they do not even understand that.  They just assume I will have kids and it really is not that big of a deal.  These again being some of my longest and best friends.  Then there are others who I have not know that long, who I am not exactly close to, but they take the time to ask how I am, to understand what is actually going on.  Maybe it is easier to ask these questions when it is somebody not that close to you.  If you have loved one suffering make sure to talk to them, even if it is hard to hear about how they are hurting.  It can actually help them and take away some of the pain. 

"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.  And if we know that He hears us - whatever we ask - we know that we have what we asked of Him" 1 John 5:14-15

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