Being Admitted

What to write?  That is my problem.  How do I put into words the events of this past month?  I'm not even sure my brain has had the ability to fully process what all happened.

It started off like any other day.  I was taking a shower at the end of the day, feeling grateful that I had managed to walk my dog and clean the house.  I was starting to feel that maybe I could recover from everything.  That's when I noticed that my scar from my tubal removal was bulged out and sore to touch, like a dull achy bruised feeling, but there was no bruising.  I thought it was odd, but didn't think to much about it.

As I lay trying to sleep I was noticing more and more the pain I was developing on my side, by morning my slightly bulged area was now a golf ball sticking out of my fat gut.  I called my dr and came in to be seen.  If you remember, I've been fighting with enlarged ovaries and had been going to have them drained every other month or so.

The appointment started out like all the rest, laying on that cold bed with the tech's eyes bulging at my now softball sized ovary.  As he started moving the wand around to get measurements he noticed something odd where my tube should be (of course the tube is long gone) so he pulled Mr. Wandy over to get a better look.  "oh that's not suppose to be there."  This was not comforting to hear as the tech explained that I had a bunch of lose fluid floating around while he picked up the phone to page the doctor to come in.

The rest of it was a blur, but in no time at all I was admitted into the hospital and I suppose I must have called my husband since he was sitting in the chair next to my husband.  The doctor came in to explain what was going one.  I had had blood testing upon being admitted and my hormone levels were way off.  My estrogen had been floating around 700-800 in my last few test, but it was now 989 and progesterone was 2.  I also had an elevated hcg, but it was very very low.  Not even enough to be pregnant, and I knew it wasn't even possible to have been.  It was just one more random number that made no sense.  My ca-125 had been tested a few days before and it was also elevated at 47 normal is <35.  I had my fluid drained (boy was I tired of having a needle stuck into me).  I needed to stay for now because my reproductive organs were filling with fluid so quickly it was hard to keep up.  It was decided that if I was still having issues the next day I was going to have to go in for surgery to at least take a biopsy of my ovary.  We needed to get to the bottom of what was going on.

The rest will come later.  Sorry for the split post, it's the only way I'll be able to write this out.

My Husband's Love

Time is passing, as it always does.  I'm suppose to be healing and moving on, but I'm stuck.  Physically I'm still nowhere near where I want to be.  I know it's suppose to take time, but I'm sick of being stuck in this place.  Most of the year, really 2 years, I've spent mostly on bed rest or some sort of modified bed rest.  My life has been on hold.  Waiting to see if we would have success or not with this journey to having a bio child. Now after 6 losses, and after many ER visits, and dangers we are done with this journey and I don't know what my life is anymore.  I don't know what to do or where to go.  I don't know how to move on.  I'm not sure I'm ready to move on.

I feel an anger I've never felt before.  I've always had sadness mixed with the pregnancy announcements of friends, but now it's turned to anger, especially if they are complainers.  I fight the urge to slap them and yell at them to shut up and just be grateful.  I hate being that way.  I don't want it to effect any of my friendships.  I'm hoping this is something that will just pass.

I've felt sad and angry because I can't even talk to my friends. I know I could find a support group or a counselor and talk with them, and that would be helpful, but it frustrates me that I can't talk with my friends about what I'm feeling or thinking.  If I were to truly open up and say what I thought or felt it would end in disaster.  My friends would have no understanding and would just find me to be a bitter jerk.



I do have to say that through all this I have fallen in love all over again with my husband.  He is so amazing and so supportive.  Last night I became overwhelmed with love and gratitude for him.  When we started dating I told him what a life with me  might mean.  He knew I had endo and would end up with many "lazy" days.  He knew I would not be able to conceive without medical intervention, and even with the help it might not be possible.  We even knew that my chances of being able to carry full term were low, yet he still choose to love me and to marry me.  We have been tested and we know that my body is the failure, so being with somebody else could easily give him a bio child, yet he stays with me with no bitterness.  He is supportive and he loves me all the same.  I don't know how I got so blessed to have a love like his, but I am so thankful.
I know that wither I am stuck or moving forward I will always have his love and together we will get through this.

Secret Cycle + Pregnancy = Our New Future

Decisions, testing, waiting, and more decisions.  I feel that this is all my life has been for the past few weeks.  I've been struggling.  I have had a hard time knowing what choice to make.  I haven't felt at peace about any of our options since my lap.  I've had my doctor with all his medical advice, family and friends have had their say, and then that leaves me and my husband.  I know our choice and our feelings are what matters.  I think for me the most challenging part has been the lack of time we have had to make our choices.  I've felt rushed to make a choice and so I've been unable to feel they are the right choice.

My last post we left of not knowing what we were going to do. Well we did make a choice. We decided to try again. We knew before we made anymore choices we needed to do this. We needed to try at least once after my lap. The minute I started taking the medications I felt bad. In the pit of my stomach I didn't have peace. Hope was completely gone, but it was so much worse than that.  I wasn't even dreading the worst.  I had just given up.  I didn't care what happened anymore.  If it worked and I got pregnant I wouldn't have been able to find joy.  I would be spending each day worried.  Each symptom or lack of symptom would always have me on edge wondering if this was the baby to stay.  If it didn't work and we didn't end up pregnant then I would be sad and I would fight with feelings of being a failure, even though I know I shouldn't.  Can you see my problem, now?  I felt screwed either way.

I went in for my last scan, having no symptoms to encourage me that we had any follies or that my ovaries were waking up.  One of my incisions had become infected and I just wanted to go home and not bother seeing on that screen how my body cannot do anything right.  Yet I pressed on.  My scan was a huge surprise.  It seemed that our new medication was helping.  I had two follies ready for trigger, not just that, but they were the best sizes I've ever had.  This could be our cycle.  Nothing has ever looked so good.

That night we trigger and began the waiting.  We decided it was time to make choices while we were not stuck in the sadness of a BFN or while dealing with the worry a BFP would bring.  We decided that since I had enough gonal left for another cycle we would do one more if we got a BFN. Clearly if we got a BFP we wouldn't need to try again (at least not until we wanted child #2).  What did we do though if the BFP still didn't bring us home a child?  We decided at that point we would stop trying.  We would be sad, but have to know that we had tried everything we could.

In this time my husband learned he had to leave for a work trip, the day after we officially know if I was pregnant or not.  I lost all hope I had at this point.  Every time my husband has left while I was pregnant things have always turned bad.  I guess I should say hope was lost, it just changed directions.  I was hoping for a BFN.  My husband and I decided we were going to track and test a lot this cycle.  Just in case we saw red flags about a second cycle.  I POAS until my trigger disappeared, then waited a few days.  I tested again, and got a faint line.  I have to admit, it was early to have any sort of a line, so I was hopeful, yet scared out of my mind.  For a couple days that line grew just a bit darker.  This was good.

Then the red blood started on Saturday, my official day, which still had a positive.  All I could do was wait, but by that evening all bleeding and spotting had stopped.  This is a good sign, the previous bleeding could be the normal implantation bleeding that is very common.  The next morning my line was lighter, on the same brand test.  My spotting increased, but was brown which is the safe color.  I dropped my husband off to leave for the week.  I could see the worry on his face.  He struggled having to leave again, but even if he stayed here nothing would change whatever was happening.  To make a long story short, I had a blood test and my beta which should have been at least 50 was 19.  From the test I took it was clear it was lowering not rising.  I know you are all surprised, huh?  Another lost child, I'm sure you're sick of reading about it.  I'm tired of writing it.

We are now done.  I got to talk to Dr. S today who has actually now told me that he wouldn't suggest IVF for us, but would instead suggest surrogacy.  Dr. S saying this just made me know that this was the right choice for us.  Our end had come.  My emotions have been a bit all over the place.  I've been mostly numb to it all, until tonight.  I am so grateful for FaceTime, so I could still see my husband when he's gone, but it was so hard seeing the look he got.  It's killing him that he's so far away.  Now that it time that I should be sleeping it is all hitting me like a ton of bricks.  We will never have a biological child.  We will never hear a heart beating within my womb.  We will never get to marvel at the tiny feet kicking and pushing.   It's ended and it's time to move on.  I will never have anybody in my family who is actually related to me.

It's time to move on.  I'm not sure what that is, but it's what we need to do.  I want to say that I'll be a mother some day through adoption, but honestly I don't know what the plan is.  At this very moment I know better than to be naive and believe adoption will our future.  All I know is that right now we have shut the book, not the chapter, on having a baby and I'm letting the tears fall.

Lap Update

It's been a few days since my lap, and I've been resting and trying to recover.  I'm surprised at how sore I am this time and at how much energy has been sapped from me.

Good news is that my doctor was able to save all my parts!  I don't have all the information yet on what he did, but will find out more at my post op on August 2.  What I do know is that I had a lot of growths removed, and that my left ovary was so bad it was basically glued down to something (my hubs can't remember what the doctor said).  Dr. S was able to remove the growths on it, and then also put some sort of mesh device that will dissolve in time to help prevent it from happening again.  This would explain the placement of my ovary, so hopefully this will help us on our future.

For not that really all the information I have.  I'm still really sore, and really tired.  It's been really nice having my husband home for this recovery, but I'm already getting nervous about him going back to work on Monday.  He has offered to take an extra day off if I need him, though I think that is almost more for his own benefit than mine.  :)

Thank you everybody for all your prayers, thoughts, and encouragement.  It has been greatly appreciate.  I'll update more as I learn more.

Postponed

I'm suppose to be in surgery right now, but a few days ago I got a call that my doctor had a family emergency come up and it had to be postponed.  It will not be on July 24, thankfully not too much later.  I was annoyed at first, but trying to be understanding.  Hey, doctors are people too.  I seem to often times have my appointments rescheduled because of emergencies so I was not sure what to think.  I then calmed myself down by reminding myself that this is the first time I've been postponed with this doctor.  In fact when the doctor had a vacation planned the nurses and office staff worked hard to get everyone in before he left instead of rescheduling when he would be back.

I'm now okay with the change.  It really didn't change my husband's time off at all.  We now have planned a trip up to our old camp as well.  We leave today when he gets off work and will stay until Tuesday since we have to drive through the town my surgery is in on our way home.  We booked a hotel for that night, and if all goes well and there is no removal of any body parts I'll be releases that day, or night really.  We decided we didnt' want to drive 2 hours home right after surgery.  Too bad I'll be too doped up to enjoy our nice hotel, but at least I'll have some rest and enjoyment before.  This will probably be my last post until after surgery.

Please pray and send good thoughts for this surgery.  The butterflies are starting to settling into my stomach.  

The Date is Set

I'm not sure why I've been putting off updating and letting you all know that my surgery date has been set.  There is no real reason.  The only thing is that I've been busy trying to clean house, get ready for a garage sale, get frozen dinner prepared for recovery, and rest because I've been exhausted.  The garage sale won't be happening until after my surgery, but I need to be ready for it, and won't be able to do much.

My surgery date is July 20!  Friday the 13 is my pre-op.  Not sure if I should be worried or superstitious about that day, but for now I'll hope it means good things to come.  My husband has take the 20-29 off of work.  I'm really glad he will be around for everything, to help during recovery as well.

I'm trying to get a lot of things done before my surgery to make it easy for him.  This is his only vacation this year, and he's spending it taking care of me.  I want to make it as easy for him as possible so I've set goals.  My goal is to deep clean the house completely, to have everything that we sale at his parent's garage sale set aside, and to have easy meals he can pull out of the freezer and set in the oven or cock pot and not have the think.

It's funny.  I've had some friends tell me to make him do the cooking, but he only BBQ's, so I don't think I want learning while I'm on almost bed rest, and like I said, this is his vacation time.  We've even played around with the idea of going to the beach for a night, or up to our old camp for a few days.  We've been wanting to go, my husband has really wanted to go volunteer some time, but we know we were going to have a surgery to work around, and my brother from Seattle is planning to come with his 3 kids, so his vacation time has had to be worked around them.  We are not sure, because we don't know how I'll feel.  My husband thinks I won't be up to, but I think I'll be fine.  If we go up there, I won't have to cook.  My in-laws will take care of my dog. All I need to be able to do is walk, which should be able to do, even if it's slowly.  I may just have to take an hour to walk to a meal, instead of 10 minutes, but I'll take that.  It would be nice little getaway for us, and this may be our only chance.  My brother is coming in august, and hub's will not have a lot of vacation time left, so the days he takes off will be like a  Friday and/or Monday with a weekend in between to utilize the time well.  I'm looking forward to my brother coming.  I only see him about once a year (which is more than my other two, which is never) and the last time I saw his kids he only had the oldest twins, who were about 14 months, and didn't have his youngest girl.  He will also be bringing his girlfriend, who I only had a short meal with once, so I'm looking forward to getting to know the girl who has helped him to love again after the lies and hurt his ex-wife put him through.

I've been busy in this yuck heat trying to get everything ready.  My meals has been pretty easy.  When I cook dinner, I know just double everything, and easy have leftovers to freeze.  As I dish them up to be frozen, I write out the directions for cooking and put them on the dish for easy reference.  It should be fool proof (knock on wood!)  Now that my pre-op is not too far away I've started to get a little jittery feeling.  I just need to keep distracting myself.  The date is set!

Different # 4

This was a long weekend.  My sis-in-law got married!  We had to run around and decorate and celebrate.  It was a beautiful wedding and I'm honored to have been apart of it.  I was actually looking forward to the weekend.  I had stopped bleeding and I just love weddings.  They make me giddy!

Friday we spent the day setting up the hall.  It looked fabulous!  Sadly by that evening for the rehearsal I had already started bleeding and cramping again.  I still managed to smile and have fun.  I really did enjoy the wedding, but sadly it was also shadowed by my bleeding and pain.  I tried to ignore it since I knew I had to go to the doctor on Monday.  It kind of worked.  Here's a look at my weekend!

The tall clear center pieces had flowers added on the day of the wedding as you can see below

Monday was my doctor appointment and I was really starting to get nervous.  My cramping keeps getting worse, and a new bruise like feeling on my ovaries has started.  I just don't want to face what it means, and I also just didn't want to face the reality that we may never get another chance to try for a biological child.  I'm just not sure how to be okay with never getting to have one.  

I had a good conversation with Dr. S.  He explained that at this point we have been able to work out my bad quality egg and lack of ovulation problems.  We've managed to find a way to get pregnant, but my hostile uterus has been unable to handle it.  It flips out and kills off whatever is in there.  It was a bit hard to hear that  if it my uterus just rejected this baby for no good reason.  It was perfectly healthy.  From all the test I should have been able to deliver a perfectly healthy baby.

After this was discussed he went on to say he was at a loss of what to do, but I cut him off and explained not only when I've become pregnant, but all the time, my bleeding has become more and my pain from my endo is worse.  I feel worse than I did before my last surgery.  I had at first always kind of said that next time I have a surgery I will just do a hysterectomy, but wasn't sure I really want that now.  Dr. S said that he also thought this time it was a good idea to pursue another lap.  He want to remove all my adhesion and scar tissue and give it one more try with a freshly cleaned out uterus.  He said that he can't promise cleaning me out will fix anything, but he will be able to take a better look at my uterus and to see just how much damage has been done to it.  That way we know if we have a chance.  

He is concerned about time, and didn't want to waste anytime setting up my surgery.  I would probably be going in next week for it, but he has a vacation planned, so  he is going to plan it at the hospitals first opening after he gets back, which puts us the week of July 23.  I'm not sure of the exact date yet, but should be getting a call within the next few days, once the nurses and staff have worked out the insurance and booking the hospital.  

I feel good about this choice.  I'm scared too much time is still going to pass and we are going to miss our chance, but at least I'll be feeling a bit better.  I feel good that Dr. S was 100% on board with this choice as well and that he plans a minimum of a four hour surgery because he wants to spend a lot of time looking around and doesn't want to miss anything.  Once we get the date set up, we will have to discuss a lot of things, like giving permission to remove a tube or ovary if needed, or even worse a hysterectomy.  I know when we get to that part my nerves will set in.  For now I wait and find peace in knowing that we are choosing the best option for us.

I met with a dear friend on Monday who is dealing with some pretty intense issues in her marriage.  I feel so badly for her, but I do have to say, it has made me appreciate my husband that much more.  I've really been struggling accepting how God can ever use what we have been through for good, and I still am, but I do have to say that through all this my husband and I have drawn closer.  I hate that my friend is dealing with facing a reality that she is in a loveless marriage, but I have awoken to the fact that despite out situation and our losses we have each other.  I know it's sappy, but it's true.  I have fallen in love all over again, and I know that we will always pull through whatever life throws at us together.  

Bloody Monday

Things have sure not gone as planned this loss, not that a loss is ever planned.  My bleeding became really bad on Monday.  I called up Dr. S and was told to go straight to the hospital.  They tested my blood and did an ultrasound.  My uterus was full of blood. Then my beta came back and showed barely any drop.  This was scary, it meant so many possibilities and another ectopic.  I was also showing very low iron from blood loss and borderline severely dehydrated.

I was hooked to IV and told I must stay overnight.  Thanks to a low white blood count and my history I was not allowed any visitors, including my husband for fear of infection.  The next day my levels were tested again.  They wanted to get my iron and electrolytes back up before testing my beta again.  They wanted by blood to be better to give a more accurate beta result.  They decided blood level was good and took my beta, which was still hovering in the same area.  This meant they were almost positive it was an ectopic.  My bleeding had decreased and so I was given the shot of mtx and sent home to let the rest of this nightmare play out.

Just as we were pulling up in front of our home I got a phone call, apparently Dr. S had ordered the hospital to do another u/s and to take a tissue sample.  He wanted to know if I was losing pregnancy tissue, or if it was endo/adeno tissue.  I was suppose to have this before my shot.  He wanted to know where it was and he wanted to know if my bleeding truly was less.  The ultrasound sound showed significant amount of blood in my uterus. Which means the bloating was not lingering effects of OHSS, but from too much blood.  While waiting on tissue testing Dr. S ordered a MVA.  My dr. is two hours away, and what I didn't know was that he was on his way to my hospital.  When I walked into the room for my procedure I was so surprised to see him there.  It was a small bit of joy in this dark time.  He was concerned about all the blood and wanted to see for himself what was going on after it was cleaned out.

I was not looking forward to this MVA, Dr. S was even nervous, he couldn't hid it.  Every time I've had a D&C or MVA it's agitated my adeno and caused it to burrow even deeper into my uterus walls.  It was so painful, and hurt so badly.  It was like my whole body wanted to fight this procedure. It felt like my whole body was being sucked up.  My head started pounding, my feet even being to tighten, but in a matter of seconds it was over.  Then the ultrasound to show what had happened.  My uterus still had a lot of blood, but not dangerous levels, and my Dr watched it to see if I was adding more rapidly.  It seemed to be doing better, so I was allowed to dress.

During this time my results from my tissue samples were done.  There was still some pregnancy tissue in there.  Dr sent me home though, he felt safe that we had gotten all we could for now without making things worse.  He's pretty positive that my ectopic had embedded into my uterus walls, but that the shot and the MVA would be enough to clear it out.

I took another beta today, but today's results may still be weird.  I'll do at least one more and if the numbers are falling we can assume it's finally ending.  Dr. S was explaining everything to me, from the ectopic, to the massive bleeding from adeno tearing up my uterus.  I stopped him and asked him if this was all just a dream, it sounded unreal.  He gave that sympathetic smile and patted my back and told me it would be over soon, we can talk more than.

Now I'm home, resting and unsure of what to feel.  I'm just hoping, when hope seems impossible, that it's finally all done.  

Should I Give Up?

So here I am in the midst of losing our fourth child in about 2.5 years.  I'm not really sure how to move forward.  Honestly, I'm not even sure how to grieve anymore.  I'm 27 and have 4 children that were taken before I could ever meet them.  They left this world without having been held in my arms.  How does one move one from this?

It sure hasn't been helpful that my adeno and my endo have ran rampant because of this miscarriage. Every time I get pregnant it seems adeno just doesn't like whatever is going on in my uterus and it decides to eat away at even more of it.  This causes worse pain the the cramping from the miscarriage already causes and lots of blood loss.  I've been lucky so far that I haven't need to have any blood, but I was on an IV for awhile to try to give me back some of my electrolytes and all that good stuff that I had lost.

I can say that one good thing is that my OHSS is now symptom free, other than a bit of bloating still, but that might even be from my swollen and inflamed endo and adeno.  I have had time yet to face this loss.  I've been having to watch my blood flow and be ready at any moment to call my husband to take me to ER, before I get to a point of passing out from blood loss.  It really isn't allowing me to face the loss, I feel the aching in my heart for the child we lost, but I keep pushing it aside to focus on the physical right now.

My husband and I have had time to sit down and talk before I have my WTF appointment.  We have decided that for now we need to stop TTC.  We know that this means I may lose my eggs and we may never have another chance to try again, but what good is having a chance of getting pregnant again if my uterus is so messed up it rejects everything?  It seems unwise to us to take the chance of creating another life when we know that my endo and adeno are going to kill it.

We have decided, even if we have to fight for it, that we are going to pursue another lap.  I don't know if we will ever try again, but it will not happen until after a lap and healing.  The hormones and medications I have taken on the journey of TTC has only made my endo worse.  I have spent a large portion of this year stuck on bed rest.  I'm behind on cleaning, I don't cook as often as I should.  I fall back onto premade frozen meals way too often.  It's not fair to me, and it's not fair to my husband (who has never complained once about a dirty house or frozen dinners).  It's time that we put my health above our desire for children.

The other day I was listening to all my Adele music, and I forgot just how good for the soul she is.  This song "Chasing Pavement" came on, and the chorus hit me in a way it never has before.  The lyric of the whole song are clear she is talking about a man, but the chorus part was good for me.  I've been really struggling about "giving up" on TTC.  When we found out I was pregnant, but was facing a miscarriage, and then it became a miscarriage, I felt like our journey was leading nowhere.  We kept trying, but were always ending up in the same place, with a BFN, or with another lost child.  To me it felt like we were going in circle.  I felt like I was just chasing an impossible dream.  The line "Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements even if it leads nowhere?" really stood out to me and said exactly what I've been struggling with.

For now we stop.  For now we treat my endo and adeno.  We focus on making my life as painfree as possible.  This means I may end up with a hysterectomy (which won't cure me, or take all the endo away, but will at least decrease the pain and the sickness) or may help make my uterus less hostile, but that time may end up in losing the ability to wake up my ovaries.

#4 Brings us Closer

I apologize for not updating yesterday.  I was no in the best of place, which I guess lets you know the outcome.

I went in that morning to the lab to have my blood drawn, but I felt it was useless.  After a restless 4 hours of sleep I woke to horrible cramping, and yep, a ton of red blood.  My lab was pretty full, but I found a place to sit with a few empty seats around it.  I really didn't want to be caught up in some superficial conversations.  While I sat there 3 preggo bellies passed in front of me on their way for glucose testing.  Then just 2 seats down another one is talking on the phone about how they just had their drink and now have to sit and wait an hour before they can get their drink.  She went on and on about how frustrated she was.  She said she was tired of that thing controlling her.  Ugh!  Really?  I'll take it.  I'll turn my whole world upside down for the chance, oh wait, I've done that already.

I was begging for my named to be called at any moment.  I was struggling to not jump up and punch that women in the face. I just wanted to knock some sense into her.  How can you not imagine the miracle you are holding there.  How can you not love it so much, that an hour long glucose test is totally worth it?  Then while I'm slightly begging for my name to be called next, and a women and her niece sit next to me.  Low and behold the women is pregnant.  While sitting there the reception walks to us, hand the women her drink for the test and then ask me to confirms my number. The young women overheard this conversation and asks me which flavor drink I choose?  What the crap?  She asked for my number, not for choice of flavor.  Before I have a chance to answer she is asking me how far along I am and going on about how she still has morning sickness and she's so tired of it.  I know my OHSS made me hugely bloated, plus, well I am fat, but really?  Thankfully, at the moment I was attempting to figure out what to say, my name was called and it was time to get up.

The lab tech I had was great.  She saw that it was a pregnancy test, but knew enough about where the order was coming from to be careful what she said.  She asked about my blood, and I explained, and I saw that look at her face.  She knew as well what was happening.  She found my vein easily, despite being slightly dehydrated and quickly got what she needed.  She bandaged my arm and said I would know by 3, and she would try to push it faster, but couldn't promise anything.

For the rest of the day, each time the phone rang my stomach knots grew.  Finally I had the call I was dreading  waiting for.  Beta was at 21.  I should have been closer to 50.  I always had had those faint lines, and it was explained that meant that at a minimum I would have been at 25.  They asked about my bleeding and how my OHSS was doing, and it all came down to the fact that I'm miscarrying our 4th child. I'll go back for one more Beta to just make sure it is not an ectopic, but it everything points to miscarriage.

That evening when my husband came home, I didn't have to say much.  He asked if I got the result and I just looked at him, and he knew.  It's the first time I've seen a look of hopeless cross his face, and I hope I never have to see that again.  He was supportive, he hugged and we spent the evening talking, watching Lost and just being together.  This situation sucks.  I hate that I'm there again.  My faith in God is being shaken like never before, but the one thing I do know.  I have an amazing husband.  He is so much more than I deserve, and no matter what happens I know together we will make it.

Upcoming Beta

Tomorrow, well I guess today, is my beta.  A large part of me want to just "forget" about it and stay home curled up in bed.  I'm not ready to face the truth.  I should be encouraged, my bleeding has not had anymore
red, and has slowed down, but the clots of increased.  It's pretty much all I'm losing now.

I'm not ready to lose number 4.  I'm not ready to accept that not only does it takes lots of money, and drugs to get me pregnant, but despite all that, my hostile uterus hates the baby and likes to get rid of it.  The only one I had that was a good and healthy was my ectopic.  Against all odds it just kept growing and growing.  I had to try over and over to kill that thing and kept hoping it praying it wouldn't get large enough to send me into an emergency surgery.

Will my husband and I ever get to experience that joy of seeing that little miracle that we made?  Will we ever get the moment in the hospital of pure love, joy, and wonder at the bundle we hold in our arms, that just a few moments ago was snuggled in my belly?  I'm just asking for one little baby.  Is that so wrong?  I stand by and watch over and over again as women get pregnant and never once change their lifestyles birth healthy women.  I watch them continue to smoke because they just can't give it up, I watch them sneak a few drinks.  They never take their prenatal. They make it full term with no scares to the life of their child.  The child they didn't even really want in the first place.  I just can't understand it, and I wish I could.  Am I selfish for trying so hard for a child when it seems it is just never going to be?

I'm done, I'm not ready to do this again, and I'm not sure it's possible to heal.  I'm angry, I'm hurt, and I hate that this is happening.  For the first time ever, I'm not just mad, I'm angry at God, and I just don't know why the Hell is allowing this to happen.  I'm wondering what good prayers are, when God is going to allow this to happen.  It's His will, right?  That's what I'm always told.  Well if this is His will, I don't want to be apart of it.  I have prayed and fasted for my chance to have a child, and each time I get close it's ripped away from me.  I know a ton of wonderful women and couples dealing with infertility, who have had just as much trouble to conceive, who have experience just as much, if not more hurt and loss that I have.  For every one of those women I have seen and met at least 2 who don't take care of their children, who abort then, don't want them, or who cannot care for them.  I just can't understand how God thinks this is a good thing.  It's not right, and it unfair, and I don't care at this moment how bad I sound.  

From Brown to Red

Sleep was hard to come by as my thoughts have been reeling.  The only thoughts I've been able to have is "I can't do this" and "Why the Hell is this happening again?"

Once I feel asleep at about 6 AM I slept off and on until about noon.  I had no reason to make myself get up other than to call my RE's office and hear what I don't want to hear.  Once I got myself up and fed my dog I made the dreaded call.  I explained everything, the spotting, the faint tests, the clots, and the bleeding.  I was told to wait until Thursday and do a blood test, it's still too early because it's possible my trigger is still in my system.  (It's not, I tested at the beginning of my 2WW just to make sure it was out) I have never done that before, but I explained to the nurse I saw, and she told me to still wait.  I was told not to worry because the blood was brown.  I was told to stay mostly in bed/couch and not do much until after we know what's going on.  I was also told brown is common, and even the amount means nothing.  The call felt like a big waste of time.  If I wait until Thursday it's possible my beta will be nothing and will be considered a failed cycle, and necessary testing and precautions if we choose to try again will not be taken seriously.

I was good and stayed in bed, only getting up to pee and get more Gatorade, thanks to lovely OHSS it's all I can drink.  I'm once again unable to sleep, and had to get up to pee.  I wish I had the ability to sleep through the pain because for one more night I might have been able to hold onto hope, instead going pee became my worst event of the day.  I've now got red blood.  It's still not fully a flow, but it's a bit more than just some random spotting. Tomorrow I'll be calling, but all that will happen is to go on complete bed rest until Thursday.  So until Thursday I'll only be seeing the 4 white walls of my bedroom.   

Remembering

Just when I think that my endo vomiting is more than I can handle, OHSS rears it's ugly head and I've been awake since 4 Am vomiting every ounce of food, or liquid I take in, and then some.  I'm doing my best to fight it all.  I'm fighting the nausea in hopes of holding down at least liquid.  The last place I want to end up in is the hospital.

Thanks to my exhausted state of my mind, I can't help but think and become overly emotional.  What is today's thoughts? For once during this cycle, I'm not freaking out about all the possibilities of what may be, I'm taking it a day at a time.  I'm not hoping, but I'm not bracing for the worst either.  I just am. Today instead of worrying about what will be, I'm grieving for what never was.  The other day I was chatting with a friend.  I was sharing about my first miscarriage and suddenly I realized the date marked a milestone in what would have been our first born son.  He would have been 18 months.  I know imagining what life could have been is just as unhealthy as "what  if's" are; yet, that is what I have found myself doing.  It's been so hard to imagine that I would have an 18 month old.  I've imagined what his most current milestone would have been.  Would he be walking on those unsteady legs, having finally taking his first steps.  Would he have been practicing with walking to mommy and daddy in a fun little game?  It's so hard to imagine that I could actually have a child.  How different my life would be.

It amazes me how just when I think I'm making progress on this grieving thing, one thought can send me miles back on this journey.  There are days I feel I'm worse then when it all started.  Today, in between trying to hold down my liquid and vomiting, I remember the babies I mothered, but never got a chance to meet.  I wish I could bring them back, but my love for them will keep them alive in my heart.

Dangerous Hope

I've been trying to keep myself so busy.  It's in the silence and the stillness that I find myself unable to catch my breath.  When I allow myself time to think and dwell I do.  I've worn myself out.  A dear friend recently got a new house and while my husband was away on business I was often working at her new place.  She is my friend with the newborn close to the age of what my second child would have been, so I really worked myself hard there, but every night I came home to empty house and was hit with the pain of being childless.

I wonder if I'll ever have a child and I wonder if I'll have get over the pain of being childless?  I don't want to down play my life.  I am extremely blessed.  I have some pretty amazing friends and a husband who is so much more than I deserve. Those things alone are enough to make me happy and I know I could have a very happy life, even if I never have a child.  What I wonder is when it won't hurt when I watch a mother pick up her baby to feed her.  Will my heart always race when I pick up a child parented by somebody else?

I've been thinking about more than the loss of this last child, I'm struggling to accept this is all God's plan.  I know I'm suppose to just blindly accept it.  If he chooses for me not to be a mother, I'm suppose to be okay with that, but I don't know how to be.  After 3 losses and after spending a bunch of money and many invasive doctor appointments I'm finally facing the reality of giving up on this dream forever.   It may seem crazy, but the thought of giving up this dream forever is killing me.  The pain from this choice is worse than any other pain I've ever had.  It's not just losing a child, it's never having a chance to create a child again.  Why is that so hard?  That doesn't close to door for motherhood, it just closes the door for biological children.  Yet, every day I look at our history and our future chance I keep coming to the conclusion that trying again would be a disaster and I think we should decide to not try again.  The first time my husband and I finally voiced that as a real option was at our WTF appointment.  Once we said those words to Dr. S "We don't think we will try again" it was as if the world had stopped and suddenly I had an elephant sitting on my chest.  Dr. S was great, as he always has been.  He told us there was no pressure to start again.  The only thing he said was that I needed to keep my ovaries stimulated while we wait, so that the decision is not forced on us.

Once again I'm stabbing my stomach with needles daily and unsure of what the future will hold, but I'm too afraid to face the reality that we may never have a child.  I have a fear of losing another, but more than that I have a fear of never having one again.  I still hold onto the small ounce of hope that maybe one day we could have one, and giving that hope up is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

Sunday I went with a friend to watch The Hunger Games.  I was excited to be getting out of the house and to have something to keep my mind busy from this world of infertility and loss.  However, there was a moment in the film that made my heart ache with understanding.  There was a quote that President Snow speaks.  It was meant as a way to explain to the gamekeeper why they keep up the hunger games.  They choose the allow the games with the hope of 1 winner, instead of just killing off the complete 24.  Hope being the key.  What he says about hope stood out to me, while hope for a child is not the same as hope of living, the definition of hope that he uses is the same for all types of hope.

"Hope, it is the only thing stronger than fear.  A little hope is effective, a lot of hope is dangerous.  A spark is fine - as long as it's contained." President Snow The Hunger Games.  

I'm Moving On

I'm moving on and life is beginning to have a routine again.  I appear to be moving through life as normal once again, but I'm not.  It's like I'm moving through some sort of mist.   I know I have to go buy groceries, but I don't even remember what I get half the time.  I clean house and I go through the motions, but at the end of the day when I'm laying in bed with a heating bad I can't seem to remember anything from the day and have no idea why I'm in so much pain.

I go out with my friends, but the friends I have around all have kids.  Even these moments are surrounded by a fog.  I'm acting the part of a friend, I'm listening, I'm chatting, and I'm interacting with the children, but it's an act.  It's an act to appear complete and whole.  An act to be normal and an act to tell everybody that I'm okay and I'm moving on.  It's just an act though.  I'm broken.  I'm hurting and I have no idea how to really move on.  I hear all the time how "strong" I am, but I don't understand why people think this zombie of a human is considered strong.  I'm strong because I'm able to act fine?  I'm strong because I have no idea how to breath again.  How does that make me strong?

How am I suppose to move on?   How am I suppose to be okay with being the mother of dead babies only?  How am I suppose to hang out with friends and their young children, that only serve to remind me at how much I've failed?

I wish I knew what the next step was.  I wish the options didn't hurt so much.  If we try again and we lose another, I'm not sure I'll even be able to act normal.  If we give up and never have a biological child I'm not sure I can ever get over that sadness.  I wish I could have peace in the fact that adoption would be enough for this aching heart.  I worry my husband, as well, will always have the same sadness of never having a biological child.  I watch him interact with children and my heart breaks all over again.  I want to give him one.  I would love to have those 9 months of bonding, and the time of breast feeding, but most of all I want to give my husband a child.  I want to see him be a father, a father of a child he helped create.

He's gone through so many test and he's all good to go. We know medically and physically our problem is with me.  We've only managed our miracles because of him.  I know I shouldn't feel this way, but knowing the problem is within me, it makes it so hard not to worry.  I worry daily he's going to wake up and realize he choose a dud of a wife.  He choose a loser.  I worry that one day he'll walk away because he realizes I can't get better.  I can't satisfy his desire to father, and so much more.  I don't doubt his love, I just doubt the dream.

My husband always knows when these doubts take over and he is so patient and so kind.  He always tells me that when it comes to our infertility, it is ours, not mine.  It is our hardship to handle together, it isn't mine to travel alone.  I know he'll always be by my side and I know he'll always tackle this, not as my failure, but as our journey to parenthood. I know all this, and I don't doubt it.  Yet, I can't help but have those moments where I feel like a failure of a wife and I wonder when love will not be enough to hide my failure.  

From 40 weeks to Grief

February 21 marks a reminder I wish I could forgot.  I should have been giving birth, or at least completely uncomfortable waiting for labor.  Instead I'm a little over a week from when my last and final beta finally started to go down.  I'm losing another child when I should have been giving birth.  I can't even understand how this is even possible.  I can't understand.

I can't even express myself in this moment.  I feel so lost, broken, and defeated.  I'm still fighting to keep going on.  I didn't even realize I had this song on my phone, but it played today when it was on shuffle.  It's amazing how songs can say everything I can't.  I heard this song today and I broke down.  It's exactly what I'm feeling.  I was going to try to attempt to write out all my feelings today, but this day has defeated me, so I will let the song speak for me.  "Broken" by Lifehouse will now forever be the song for my lost children.

Never Got to Hold

It's all finally hit me as reality.  I'm not sure how I'm suppose to overcome all of this.  I've lost 3 babies.  I've put my life at risk.  My last one is finally done.  My last beta came back and my numbers were finally going down.  I've lost my 3rd baby.  This loss is different then my other's, harder almost, yet I've been less emotional.  I think because this was an ectopic, and we had to end it I'm struggling to accept reality.  I know we had no choice, the baby was already dying, and so was I.  It still seems like a nightmare that I can't wake up from.  My last beta came back, and even then I didn't feel the pain, but today the ring I ordered came in.  All of a sudden it felt real.  I have a new ring because I needed to honor 3 children, not 2.  I've lost 3 children that I never got to hold  For now that's as far as I can process.

Anger is all I have for now

I know I'll eventually write a more detailed post about all that has taken place, but at this point I'm unable.  I just wanted to take a moment to thank those who have been so great to us.  Thanks for all the support, love, and prayers.  They mean so much to me, I can't even express into words how nice it is.

My husband had to leave for business last Sunday, after I got home.  It was bad timing, but we knew he needed to go, and it was better to go then instead of waiting a week and leaving.  I'm so glad that we did that, as I really need him around now.  To make sure all was going well with this miscarriage (well...bad use of words) I went back for my beta and found that it was still raising.  We waiting it out for a bit, but my dr. decided we need to do something as I was bleeding too much, and had too much blood filling my uterus.  Thursday I went in for another beta and then had a MVA to find what was causing my bleeding.  My dr. wanted everything cleaned out to get a better look.  My beta was still raising, but too low to be healthy.  The rise of hormones was agitating my endo and adeno growths in my uterus and has caused them to start eating away at my uterus wall.  This was causing all my blood loss.  Once my MVA was done and bleeding slowed enough to not be a worry, I was given Methotrexate and sent home to await the end.

Had another beta test the next day, and my number was still raising.  This wasn't something to worry too much about as it is normal to take a few days, so I was told to come back on Monday.  Saturday night I was hit w/ intense pain, dizziness, and sickness.  I was so miserable, but thankful that finally the end was coming.  Sunday I woke up feeling not too bad, and was in a zone.  We were having a super bowl party so there was no time to grief and think about what had taken place.  In the middle of our super bowl party I started sweating and got extremely ill.  I was taken in to ER and given another blood test, only to find my beta was still raising.  I really wish I could hope and think maybe this is good, but it isn't.  Today I had shot number two.  Now I go back for more beta testing until the number goes down.  I hope that this is it.  I'm so done with all of this.  I now also have a fever so tomorrow I'll be getting that checked out further.  I'm just hoping I have no infection and that my numbers are going down and I can finally move on from this mess.

I'm feeling so confused and so frustrated.  I've been mostly running on auto pilot during this whole ordeal.  It's been worse because my husband was gone all week.  I've had a few moments of being completely angry.  I've wanted to throw things around the house, break things, and yell and scream.  I've talked with a few friends I feel okay with sharing with, and it seems every other word is a swear word of some sort.  If you knew me, you would know I don't go that route.  For the time being, I'm either angry, or I'm numb.  I'm ready to be done with this process so I can move forward, not only physically, but emotionally.

# 3

I am still trying to piece together all that happened this weekend.  I'm in a bit of daze still and when I think of everything it's like I'm watching one of those weird lifetime movies.  I'm feeling angry right now.  I don't think this anger feeling ever hit me in any of my losses before.  I'm numb and I'm angry.  I just don't think that's a good combination.

This week was a long week, as I was on my home stretch to finding out if this cycle had worked.  The OHSS made it all that much worse.  The uncertainty of where my egg had ended up was constantly at the forefront of my mind.  Each day that my pain from OHSS got worse, or at least not better was more reason to hope for the possibility of a BFP.  No pregnancy would mean that my OHSS would be clearing up soon, but a pregnancy would mean that it would actually get worse.  While I was suffering from this pain, I was hoping to get worse.  I wanted with all my heart for this to finally be it.  Tuesday rolled around and everytime I wiped I had blood on the TP, but never spotting or anything more.  I ended the day with hope, could this finally be that implantation bleeding I hear so much about?  Could my body finally be doing something right? The next day the same thing happened, and then on Thursday again.  I was losing hope, it shouldn't be lasting this long.  It was quickly apparent that it had increased and I had enough to be spotting, still not bad though.  I went to bed that night more confused then ever.  My pain kept me tossing and turning until finally I couldn't take it anymore, I sat up out of bed only to violently projectile vomit without any warning.

I then woke in ER being wheeled for an blood test and ER ultrasound.  My ovaries were now as large as softballs and I had a ton of fluid in my uterus.  I had gained 5 pounds in just an hour.  It was time to drain before something worse happened. At this point my blood test was in and my beta was at 11.  What?? I'm pregnant?  Yet before my husband and I even had a chance to process that and be happy it was quickly shot down.  We were informed this was way too low, even for how early our test was.  My bleeding was also something to be concerned about.  I was put on IV of fluids.  I was monitored closely and as my ovaries filled with more fluid they would drain them and hope to keep the fluid out of my uterus until we had another blood test to let us know what to do.  Sunday finally arrived, rather quickly as I was weak and mostly sleeping, and my next beta was here.  It was 19.  I'll admit at this point I was a bit hopeful, it's gone up, that must be good, right?  My number should have been at least 50, so my little 19 was not a good sign.  It was figured at this point since I seem to be miscarrying naturally that I could go home, stay in bed, drink lots of fluid and wait it out.  I'm suppose to still be watching for sudden weight gain, sickness, and or pain because not only do I have the danger of a ruptured sac, but also the dangers that come with the OHSS.

Here I sit at home, angry.  I'm having full on contractions and I'm waiting for the end.  I'm avoiding facing the reality that we have lost another baby.  My anger is at the fact that so many women have to endure this.  It just isn't right in anyway.  

Another Year Older, Still Childless

Well it's officially my birthday now, and it's 2:30 AM and I'm being kept awake by stabbing pains in my ovaries.  Happy birthday to me, huh?  I've never been one to care that much about my birthday.  I usually just want it to be a small simple ordeal without too much attention, but this year I don't want it to come at all.  No, not because I feel old. I'm only 27.  I don't want it to be here because it is another reminder that I still have no child.  I've been a mother, I've had two children, but I have no children.  Happy birthday to me?

Sitting awake at these crazy hours, in this tortuous pain really is so devastating.  Once again, I've put myself in danger just for the chance to have a child I get to carry home.  While waiting out this OHSS to pass I can't help but to finally feel defeated.  I have spent more of my time stuck on bed rest this year than anything else.  Why do I keep pushing when there seems to be no more hope?  If I physically destroy myself to have a child, how is that worth it?I need to be able to be in good enough condition to care for a child, and I can't do that if I keep pushing it beyond it's limits.  My left side has been in so much more pain today then it has during this whole process.  There are so many things this can mean.  I not even sure I want to think about what could happen.  I figure I'll face that reality when I get there.  I'm in pain and sick to my stomach constantly, oh yeah, happy birthday to me, right?

Today a dear friend had her baby girl.  She is a good friend, and usually is so good about having sensitivity to my situation.  The last few months, however, it's been a challenge to be around her, because her focus has been all about the baby.  Don't get me wrong, I understand that.  She was close to giving birth, and so uncomfortable and ready to meet her sweet little one.  She my only friend in my area, and so I've stuck through it and kept my emotions in check until I was home.  I figured if she was still this insensitive and forgetful of our situation after the baby came then we were good enough friends that I was due a heart to heart with her.  She had picked a few friends for her mother to text once the baby was born, and of course being close friends I was on that list.  Today as I was just about to finally doze off to sleep my phone went off, and I get a picture of a beautiful baby girl and all the information about her.  I was in pain and exhausted so I held off my emotions to sleep, and about 30 minutes later a picture came of her all cleaned and wrapped up.  I couldn't take it anymore and I feel apart.

I couldn't figure out why I was so upset.  I've seen a few baby announcements lately and while sad, and even had some tears fall, I didn't fall apart.  While I sitting in bed crying it suddenly hit me.  In the time of trying my friend has given birth to her first, had her husband gone for close to a year for reserves, gotten pregnant and given birth again.  In that time I've only managed to have two miscarriages.  This thought only brought more pain as I realized I would have been giving birth in about a month from now.  Happy Birthday to me?

I have a dear friend who just went through an ectopic and we were texting back and forth earlier and we were sharing our feelings and how others react to ectopic and early miscarriages.  Most just don't even recognize how real that loss is.  They like to think it's too early to be anything yet, but that's not true.  Did you know that in the first 4 weeks of development, even before implantation, the sex, hair and eye color, have all been figured out.  By 6 weeks there is a heartbeat.  Never ever downplay an early loss.  For those short weeks that couple had a baby.