Dear Babies

I find it hard to believe that I sit here a mother to 6 perfect babies, but I remain childless.  How I miss each and every one of you.  I wish I could have met you.  I wish I could have held you in my arm, but I keep you in my heart forever.  I hate that you never got to experience this world.  Which one of you would have followed in daddy's footsteps and become a computer genius?  Would one of you be a musician or a photographer like me?

My own dear mother was taken away from me far too early.  When I would think of my future I was always sad that my mother would never get to meet her grandchildren.  I guess God took you all home for her.  Now she gets to spend her time with you.

My dear sweet children I love you all so much. No day will ever pass without thoughts of you.  I know in time the pain and aching in my heart will get better, but you will always be remembered and cherished.  One day we all will meet again.

I love you all.

I know you each by name now.  You are my children and will be forever loved,.  

2 Babies and 1 Tube Gone

Wow, since my last post my world has completely changed. I feel as though it's shattered and honestly I'm not really sure why.

Early Friday morning I woke up with my left side on fire.  I was in so much pain I couldn't walk.  I was sick and would have rather died then endure that pain again.  I was rushed to ER and called my dr.  Our assumption was that once again the rise in my HCG had agitated my endo.  We were in for a big a surprise.  The ultrasound showed a huge pool of blood hanging around my ovaries, filling my uterus and just all around.  We are not exactly sure what was going on but it was necessary to get in there and find out.

I was rushed off to surgery after a quick call to my husband who was thankfully coming home from an out of town business trip.  Once inside they discovered that I had two sacs.  One baby had made it to my uterus, but it quickly died and not much growth had happened.  The other stayed in my left tube, but was thriving.  Everything was removed along with my tube because it was too damaged.

My doctor felt horrible and has been apologizing to me non stop it seems.  My beta was so low that we never suspected any problems.  He believes that I've got some sort of blood concentration issue that is not giving us proper readings.  He said he has suspected this in my last couple of pregnancies.  He feels like it is his fault this happened.  I don't believe that, I just believe that it's our destiny.

I have been struggling with this who process.  I somehow feel this is all my fault.  I know I shouldn't, but I do.  I pushed my desire for children.  We did the last cycle knowing that our odds were no better.  I just wasn't willing to give up the dream.  I caused this.  It's my fault.

In a few weeks I've got to begin more testing.  My doctor wants to find out what is going on and why my numbers were off.  As far as trying to conceive goes it will change nothing, we are just doing this to make sure there is no bigger issue that we need to take care of.  I'm a little nervous about that.  My doctor never really shows fear, but he seemed a bit worried about my messed up levels.  I'm hoping it's just because he feels bad for missing it and giving us this unexpected situation.

I'm not feeling well at all.  I lost a lot of blood and it's taking time to replenish.  I've felt this huge weight that I just can't seem to get rid of.  I know I've got to soon face the reality of losing two more children and I've got to accept the reality that we will never have our biological children, and very possibly never have any. 

Secret Cycle + Pregnancy = Our New Future

Decisions, testing, waiting, and more decisions.  I feel that this is all my life has been for the past few weeks.  I've been struggling.  I have had a hard time knowing what choice to make.  I haven't felt at peace about any of our options since my lap.  I've had my doctor with all his medical advice, family and friends have had their say, and then that leaves me and my husband.  I know our choice and our feelings are what matters.  I think for me the most challenging part has been the lack of time we have had to make our choices.  I've felt rushed to make a choice and so I've been unable to feel they are the right choice.

My last post we left of not knowing what we were going to do. Well we did make a choice. We decided to try again. We knew before we made anymore choices we needed to do this. We needed to try at least once after my lap. The minute I started taking the medications I felt bad. In the pit of my stomach I didn't have peace. Hope was completely gone, but it was so much worse than that.  I wasn't even dreading the worst.  I had just given up.  I didn't care what happened anymore.  If it worked and I got pregnant I wouldn't have been able to find joy.  I would be spending each day worried.  Each symptom or lack of symptom would always have me on edge wondering if this was the baby to stay.  If it didn't work and we didn't end up pregnant then I would be sad and I would fight with feelings of being a failure, even though I know I shouldn't.  Can you see my problem, now?  I felt screwed either way.

I went in for my last scan, having no symptoms to encourage me that we had any follies or that my ovaries were waking up.  One of my incisions had become infected and I just wanted to go home and not bother seeing on that screen how my body cannot do anything right.  Yet I pressed on.  My scan was a huge surprise.  It seemed that our new medication was helping.  I had two follies ready for trigger, not just that, but they were the best sizes I've ever had.  This could be our cycle.  Nothing has ever looked so good.

That night we trigger and began the waiting.  We decided it was time to make choices while we were not stuck in the sadness of a BFN or while dealing with the worry a BFP would bring.  We decided that since I had enough gonal left for another cycle we would do one more if we got a BFN. Clearly if we got a BFP we wouldn't need to try again (at least not until we wanted child #2).  What did we do though if the BFP still didn't bring us home a child?  We decided at that point we would stop trying.  We would be sad, but have to know that we had tried everything we could.

In this time my husband learned he had to leave for a work trip, the day after we officially know if I was pregnant or not.  I lost all hope I had at this point.  Every time my husband has left while I was pregnant things have always turned bad.  I guess I should say hope was lost, it just changed directions.  I was hoping for a BFN.  My husband and I decided we were going to track and test a lot this cycle.  Just in case we saw red flags about a second cycle.  I POAS until my trigger disappeared, then waited a few days.  I tested again, and got a faint line.  I have to admit, it was early to have any sort of a line, so I was hopeful, yet scared out of my mind.  For a couple days that line grew just a bit darker.  This was good.

Then the red blood started on Saturday, my official day, which still had a positive.  All I could do was wait, but by that evening all bleeding and spotting had stopped.  This is a good sign, the previous bleeding could be the normal implantation bleeding that is very common.  The next morning my line was lighter, on the same brand test.  My spotting increased, but was brown which is the safe color.  I dropped my husband off to leave for the week.  I could see the worry on his face.  He struggled having to leave again, but even if he stayed here nothing would change whatever was happening.  To make a long story short, I had a blood test and my beta which should have been at least 50 was 19.  From the test I took it was clear it was lowering not rising.  I know you are all surprised, huh?  Another lost child, I'm sure you're sick of reading about it.  I'm tired of writing it.

We are now done.  I got to talk to Dr. S today who has actually now told me that he wouldn't suggest IVF for us, but would instead suggest surrogacy.  Dr. S saying this just made me know that this was the right choice for us.  Our end had come.  My emotions have been a bit all over the place.  I've been mostly numb to it all, until tonight.  I am so grateful for FaceTime, so I could still see my husband when he's gone, but it was so hard seeing the look he got.  It's killing him that he's so far away.  Now that it time that I should be sleeping it is all hitting me like a ton of bricks.  We will never have a biological child.  We will never hear a heart beating within my womb.  We will never get to marvel at the tiny feet kicking and pushing.   It's ended and it's time to move on.  I will never have anybody in my family who is actually related to me.

It's time to move on.  I'm not sure what that is, but it's what we need to do.  I want to say that I'll be a mother some day through adoption, but honestly I don't know what the plan is.  At this very moment I know better than to be naive and believe adoption will our future.  All I know is that right now we have shut the book, not the chapter, on having a baby and I'm letting the tears fall.

The Story of Isaiah

A small boy at just 20 months old is stumbling around our living room.  He loves playing with our dog, who is thrilled to finally have a child in our house.  Now that he's got walking down running is often being pursued, what young child would want to walk when they could run?  The cupboards and drawers have all had the child safety locks installed. Baby gates are closed to contain the curious little boy full of energy.  He calls out to daddy to watch him as he runs at the dog rolls around.

Isaiah stands rubbing the head of his dear sister, just a few days past 6 months.  He's trying to tell her to hurry and grow, he can't wait to teach her to play and to run.  Of course only a few of the words are fully understandable and sounds more like "oh hur-ee grow, tea-ch ploy an runnnnnnnnn!"  She looks up at her big brother and smiles, as far as she is concerned he is the greatest thing on earth.

He stands there looking up at me with those gorgeous blue eyes, his brown curls outline his face, holding out his hand.  " I has owie!"  I bend down, and scoop up the son I love so much.  I pull his little finger, he's squashed with is own clumsy feet, up to my lips and plant a kiss, the healing kiss of a mother.  "Aw bwet-er!" With a bear hug, I let him down and he's off to explore.  

Cleaning and cooking has changed as there is always an eager helper standing by.  He's not always making things easier, but the joy and happiness he spreads outweighs it all.  The day comes to close with a story and bedtime prayers with daddy.  The last memory is always a hug and kiss from mommy and daddy as his eyes close in eagerness for a new day to come again.  

To my first son, Isaiah, who has been on my heart these last few days.  Some days I strongly wish that you were here.  I dream often of you.  I wanted so badly to see you sit upon your daddy's lap, to hear your little voice.  I never got to see you.  You were pulled from this earth way too early.  I've longed to hold you in my arms, but for now I hold you in my heart.  I'll see you someday and I'll hold you as well.  You've got some a little sister up there to watch out for, you also have two other siblings that I never got the chance to find out about, but I know you're taking care of them, just like your daddy would do with his brother and sister.  Love them, guide them, and hug them.  When you find it hard to watch your three younger siblings, my mom will come and she will hug you, and know that it comes from me.

Post-Op

I've been dragging my feet about sharing my post op.  Mostly because I just don't feel any better about any of this.  I'm so bummed that even after all this I can't find any hope.

Dr. S showed me my pictures of my messed up insides.  I had so many dark cyst it was crazy.  He showed me my poor left ovary.  It was covered in a mess of scar and endo tissue that has glued itself onto my bowel and pelvic wall.  He explained that this was probably what was causing all the "pulling" sensations.  After he had removed all the tissue he added a weird mess device around the ovary to hopefully prevent it from reattaching while healing. The device is suppose to dissolve, in fact should be gone now.  That does worry me a bit, because what will prevent it now since most of us all know that endo doesn't stop growing just because of a lap.  We also know that I won't just magically stop having cyst rupturing.   My tubes looked great, which was a relief.  It was nice to know that the on tubal ectopic I had was just a random fluke and not because of my tubes being destroyed my endo.

My uterus was different story.  Dr. S told me that there was barely a spot in my uterus that was not covered in endo or adeno.  Crazy.  It's been no wonder I've felt so terrible and had so much bleeding.  He removed as much and as deep as he could, but he was trying to be careful because while removing it is good, it does also create more scar tissue, which just provide a welcome mat to growing endo.

That really all he did. It was good, but I don't feel it was enough.  He didn't search outside of these areas, which I know shouldn't effect my infertility, but I'm thinking about my quality of life as well.  I know in my other surgeries Dr. N had looked everywhere and had found stuff on my bowels, stomach and intestines.  I have no doubt I have some back, but I don't think that was taken care of.  I know I pursued this surgery in hopes of helping us in having a child, but I did also want to have some time of feeling better, and now I'm sure that is going to happen.

Dr. S went on to explain that he thinks that I'm still no ovulating.  I was like um, how is that possible?  Clearly I have since I've been pregnant.  He then went on to explain that yes technically I've been ovulating, but they have been chemical/clinical pregnancies, which basically means that while we had implantation issues, we also may not have had fully mature eggs.  This confused me because all my follies have been of good size.  He went on to explain that when monitoring everything is guess work.  He said that while I've had good follie sizes there may not be an egg, or a good egg inside.  My body is going through the motions of getting pregnant, my HCG raises, and I've even had a sac, but other then our first, we are not sure that anything was really there, or at least anything truly viable.

Well this was a lot to process.  It made me feel like the children we lost were suddenly nothing.  I felt like I shouldn't feel sad for them.  I know that's not true.  I know the chemical doesn't mean there wasn't something there, but it makes me feel like the loss of them is suddenly less important.  This in itself was a lot to take in.  I'm still trying to process what this all means.  How am I suppose to have hope that things could work now, when really nothing has truly gotten better?

Dr. S is ready to rush forward with trying again.  I was on birth control before and after surgery.  Today is suppose to be my last pill . Then I am suppose to wait for AF and start with my base scan.  I've been spotting/light flow since my surgery so I know it won't take long for AF to show.  Once the base scan clears me of cyst I am suppose to start 5 days of fermera, a oral pill normal used to treat breast cancer, but in different dosage is good for treating endo, or helping to stimulate the ovaries.  Once that is complete I'll start gonal injections, and start monitoring with ultrasounds and blood work.  Our hope is that with the blood work we can have a better idea if I'm really ovulating or not, or if it's good quality or not.  The idea is to do this cycle, get results, and depending on what happens, repeat one more time.

The crazy part is that he only wants us to do this 2, maybe 3 more times and then go straight into IVF, he doesn't want us to waste time with an IUI because he doesn't feel it would help, since it's not a male factor at all, it's an ovulation and implantation issue.  I haven't been able to share fully with this doctor that my husband and I are not really for IVF, but I have to say, now that we've made it to this point where IVF looks like it may be our only hope, I'm wavering in that choice.  I even sense that my husband is. Money may be the deciding factor anyway, but I'm not sure what to do. Dr. S holds more hope with IVF because we can actually see quality, and know that it's got a real chance of survival, but then there is still implantation to content with.  Though with being freshly cleaned out there is some hope that it could happen.

I'm not sure how to feel about any of this.  I've been stuck in this weird funk.  I haven't wanted to go hang out with anybody, it doesn't help that my friends around me all have kids and, while they try, completely fail at understanding.  I have no idea what to do.  I don't yet feel recovered from my surgery, but I'm suppose to be deciding if we start the journey of TTC again.  We haven't decided if we want to try, or wait another month.  This means more time for endo to grow, more time to lose even more eggs.  It means that we have more time to heal from our last loss, my surgery, and time to think and make more knowledgeable choice. We have until tomorrow evening to make a choice.

I'm losing hope, I'm losing my peace, and I have no idea what to do, what to think, or what to feel.  Why does the journey for children have to be so hard, why are the the most undeserving incompetent people able to so easily conceive and birth healthy babies?  I'm angry, sad, and so tired.  I'm so tired of having to pretend I'm happy all the time.

Different # 4

This was a long weekend.  My sis-in-law got married!  We had to run around and decorate and celebrate.  It was a beautiful wedding and I'm honored to have been apart of it.  I was actually looking forward to the weekend.  I had stopped bleeding and I just love weddings.  They make me giddy!

Friday we spent the day setting up the hall.  It looked fabulous!  Sadly by that evening for the rehearsal I had already started bleeding and cramping again.  I still managed to smile and have fun.  I really did enjoy the wedding, but sadly it was also shadowed by my bleeding and pain.  I tried to ignore it since I knew I had to go to the doctor on Monday.  It kind of worked.  Here's a look at my weekend!

The tall clear center pieces had flowers added on the day of the wedding as you can see below

Monday was my doctor appointment and I was really starting to get nervous.  My cramping keeps getting worse, and a new bruise like feeling on my ovaries has started.  I just don't want to face what it means, and I also just didn't want to face the reality that we may never get another chance to try for a biological child.  I'm just not sure how to be okay with never getting to have one.  

I had a good conversation with Dr. S.  He explained that at this point we have been able to work out my bad quality egg and lack of ovulation problems.  We've managed to find a way to get pregnant, but my hostile uterus has been unable to handle it.  It flips out and kills off whatever is in there.  It was a bit hard to hear that  if it my uterus just rejected this baby for no good reason.  It was perfectly healthy.  From all the test I should have been able to deliver a perfectly healthy baby.

After this was discussed he went on to say he was at a loss of what to do, but I cut him off and explained not only when I've become pregnant, but all the time, my bleeding has become more and my pain from my endo is worse.  I feel worse than I did before my last surgery.  I had at first always kind of said that next time I have a surgery I will just do a hysterectomy, but wasn't sure I really want that now.  Dr. S said that he also thought this time it was a good idea to pursue another lap.  He want to remove all my adhesion and scar tissue and give it one more try with a freshly cleaned out uterus.  He said that he can't promise cleaning me out will fix anything, but he will be able to take a better look at my uterus and to see just how much damage has been done to it.  That way we know if we have a chance.  

He is concerned about time, and didn't want to waste anytime setting up my surgery.  I would probably be going in next week for it, but he has a vacation planned, so  he is going to plan it at the hospitals first opening after he gets back, which puts us the week of July 23.  I'm not sure of the exact date yet, but should be getting a call within the next few days, once the nurses and staff have worked out the insurance and booking the hospital.  

I feel good about this choice.  I'm scared too much time is still going to pass and we are going to miss our chance, but at least I'll be feeling a bit better.  I feel good that Dr. S was 100% on board with this choice as well and that he plans a minimum of a four hour surgery because he wants to spend a lot of time looking around and doesn't want to miss anything.  Once we get the date set up, we will have to discuss a lot of things, like giving permission to remove a tube or ovary if needed, or even worse a hysterectomy.  I know when we get to that part my nerves will set in.  For now I wait and find peace in knowing that we are choosing the best option for us.

I met with a dear friend on Monday who is dealing with some pretty intense issues in her marriage.  I feel so badly for her, but I do have to say, it has made me appreciate my husband that much more.  I've really been struggling accepting how God can ever use what we have been through for good, and I still am, but I do have to say that through all this my husband and I have drawn closer.  I hate that my friend is dealing with facing a reality that she is in a loveless marriage, but I have awoken to the fact that despite out situation and our losses we have each other.  I know it's sappy, but it's true.  I have fallen in love all over again, and I know that we will always pull through whatever life throws at us together.  

Should I Give Up?

So here I am in the midst of losing our fourth child in about 2.5 years.  I'm not really sure how to move forward.  Honestly, I'm not even sure how to grieve anymore.  I'm 27 and have 4 children that were taken before I could ever meet them.  They left this world without having been held in my arms.  How does one move one from this?

It sure hasn't been helpful that my adeno and my endo have ran rampant because of this miscarriage. Every time I get pregnant it seems adeno just doesn't like whatever is going on in my uterus and it decides to eat away at even more of it.  This causes worse pain the the cramping from the miscarriage already causes and lots of blood loss.  I've been lucky so far that I haven't need to have any blood, but I was on an IV for awhile to try to give me back some of my electrolytes and all that good stuff that I had lost.

I can say that one good thing is that my OHSS is now symptom free, other than a bit of bloating still, but that might even be from my swollen and inflamed endo and adeno.  I have had time yet to face this loss.  I've been having to watch my blood flow and be ready at any moment to call my husband to take me to ER, before I get to a point of passing out from blood loss.  It really isn't allowing me to face the loss, I feel the aching in my heart for the child we lost, but I keep pushing it aside to focus on the physical right now.

My husband and I have had time to sit down and talk before I have my WTF appointment.  We have decided that for now we need to stop TTC.  We know that this means I may lose my eggs and we may never have another chance to try again, but what good is having a chance of getting pregnant again if my uterus is so messed up it rejects everything?  It seems unwise to us to take the chance of creating another life when we know that my endo and adeno are going to kill it.

We have decided, even if we have to fight for it, that we are going to pursue another lap.  I don't know if we will ever try again, but it will not happen until after a lap and healing.  The hormones and medications I have taken on the journey of TTC has only made my endo worse.  I have spent a large portion of this year stuck on bed rest.  I'm behind on cleaning, I don't cook as often as I should.  I fall back onto premade frozen meals way too often.  It's not fair to me, and it's not fair to my husband (who has never complained once about a dirty house or frozen dinners).  It's time that we put my health above our desire for children.

The other day I was listening to all my Adele music, and I forgot just how good for the soul she is.  This song "Chasing Pavement" came on, and the chorus hit me in a way it never has before.  The lyric of the whole song are clear she is talking about a man, but the chorus part was good for me.  I've been really struggling about "giving up" on TTC.  When we found out I was pregnant, but was facing a miscarriage, and then it became a miscarriage, I felt like our journey was leading nowhere.  We kept trying, but were always ending up in the same place, with a BFN, or with another lost child.  To me it felt like we were going in circle.  I felt like I was just chasing an impossible dream.  The line "Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements even if it leads nowhere?" really stood out to me and said exactly what I've been struggling with.

For now we stop.  For now we treat my endo and adeno.  We focus on making my life as painfree as possible.  This means I may end up with a hysterectomy (which won't cure me, or take all the endo away, but will at least decrease the pain and the sickness) or may help make my uterus less hostile, but that time may end up in losing the ability to wake up my ovaries.

#4 Brings us Closer

I apologize for not updating yesterday.  I was no in the best of place, which I guess lets you know the outcome.

I went in that morning to the lab to have my blood drawn, but I felt it was useless.  After a restless 4 hours of sleep I woke to horrible cramping, and yep, a ton of red blood.  My lab was pretty full, but I found a place to sit with a few empty seats around it.  I really didn't want to be caught up in some superficial conversations.  While I sat there 3 preggo bellies passed in front of me on their way for glucose testing.  Then just 2 seats down another one is talking on the phone about how they just had their drink and now have to sit and wait an hour before they can get their drink.  She went on and on about how frustrated she was.  She said she was tired of that thing controlling her.  Ugh!  Really?  I'll take it.  I'll turn my whole world upside down for the chance, oh wait, I've done that already.

I was begging for my named to be called at any moment.  I was struggling to not jump up and punch that women in the face. I just wanted to knock some sense into her.  How can you not imagine the miracle you are holding there.  How can you not love it so much, that an hour long glucose test is totally worth it?  Then while I'm slightly begging for my name to be called next, and a women and her niece sit next to me.  Low and behold the women is pregnant.  While sitting there the reception walks to us, hand the women her drink for the test and then ask me to confirms my number. The young women overheard this conversation and asks me which flavor drink I choose?  What the crap?  She asked for my number, not for choice of flavor.  Before I have a chance to answer she is asking me how far along I am and going on about how she still has morning sickness and she's so tired of it.  I know my OHSS made me hugely bloated, plus, well I am fat, but really?  Thankfully, at the moment I was attempting to figure out what to say, my name was called and it was time to get up.

The lab tech I had was great.  She saw that it was a pregnancy test, but knew enough about where the order was coming from to be careful what she said.  She asked about my blood, and I explained, and I saw that look at her face.  She knew as well what was happening.  She found my vein easily, despite being slightly dehydrated and quickly got what she needed.  She bandaged my arm and said I would know by 3, and she would try to push it faster, but couldn't promise anything.

For the rest of the day, each time the phone rang my stomach knots grew.  Finally I had the call I was dreading  waiting for.  Beta was at 21.  I should have been closer to 50.  I always had had those faint lines, and it was explained that meant that at a minimum I would have been at 25.  They asked about my bleeding and how my OHSS was doing, and it all came down to the fact that I'm miscarrying our 4th child. I'll go back for one more Beta to just make sure it is not an ectopic, but it everything points to miscarriage.

That evening when my husband came home, I didn't have to say much.  He asked if I got the result and I just looked at him, and he knew.  It's the first time I've seen a look of hopeless cross his face, and I hope I never have to see that again.  He was supportive, he hugged and we spent the evening talking, watching Lost and just being together.  This situation sucks.  I hate that I'm there again.  My faith in God is being shaken like never before, but the one thing I do know.  I have an amazing husband.  He is so much more than I deserve, and no matter what happens I know together we will make it.

Upcoming Beta

Tomorrow, well I guess today, is my beta.  A large part of me want to just "forget" about it and stay home curled up in bed.  I'm not ready to face the truth.  I should be encouraged, my bleeding has not had anymore
red, and has slowed down, but the clots of increased.  It's pretty much all I'm losing now.

I'm not ready to lose number 4.  I'm not ready to accept that not only does it takes lots of money, and drugs to get me pregnant, but despite all that, my hostile uterus hates the baby and likes to get rid of it.  The only one I had that was a good and healthy was my ectopic.  Against all odds it just kept growing and growing.  I had to try over and over to kill that thing and kept hoping it praying it wouldn't get large enough to send me into an emergency surgery.

Will my husband and I ever get to experience that joy of seeing that little miracle that we made?  Will we ever get the moment in the hospital of pure love, joy, and wonder at the bundle we hold in our arms, that just a few moments ago was snuggled in my belly?  I'm just asking for one little baby.  Is that so wrong?  I stand by and watch over and over again as women get pregnant and never once change their lifestyles birth healthy women.  I watch them continue to smoke because they just can't give it up, I watch them sneak a few drinks.  They never take their prenatal. They make it full term with no scares to the life of their child.  The child they didn't even really want in the first place.  I just can't understand it, and I wish I could.  Am I selfish for trying so hard for a child when it seems it is just never going to be?

I'm done, I'm not ready to do this again, and I'm not sure it's possible to heal.  I'm angry, I'm hurt, and I hate that this is happening.  For the first time ever, I'm not just mad, I'm angry at God, and I just don't know why the Hell is allowing this to happen.  I'm wondering what good prayers are, when God is going to allow this to happen.  It's His will, right?  That's what I'm always told.  Well if this is His will, I don't want to be apart of it.  I have prayed and fasted for my chance to have a child, and each time I get close it's ripped away from me.  I know a ton of wonderful women and couples dealing with infertility, who have had just as much trouble to conceive, who have experience just as much, if not more hurt and loss that I have.  For every one of those women I have seen and met at least 2 who don't take care of their children, who abort then, don't want them, or who cannot care for them.  I just can't understand how God thinks this is a good thing.  It's not right, and it unfair, and I don't care at this moment how bad I sound.  

Remembering

Just when I think that my endo vomiting is more than I can handle, OHSS rears it's ugly head and I've been awake since 4 Am vomiting every ounce of food, or liquid I take in, and then some.  I'm doing my best to fight it all.  I'm fighting the nausea in hopes of holding down at least liquid.  The last place I want to end up in is the hospital.

Thanks to my exhausted state of my mind, I can't help but think and become overly emotional.  What is today's thoughts? For once during this cycle, I'm not freaking out about all the possibilities of what may be, I'm taking it a day at a time.  I'm not hoping, but I'm not bracing for the worst either.  I just am. Today instead of worrying about what will be, I'm grieving for what never was.  The other day I was chatting with a friend.  I was sharing about my first miscarriage and suddenly I realized the date marked a milestone in what would have been our first born son.  He would have been 18 months.  I know imagining what life could have been is just as unhealthy as "what  if's" are; yet, that is what I have found myself doing.  It's been so hard to imagine that I would have an 18 month old.  I've imagined what his most current milestone would have been.  Would he be walking on those unsteady legs, having finally taking his first steps.  Would he have been practicing with walking to mommy and daddy in a fun little game?  It's so hard to imagine that I could actually have a child.  How different my life would be.

It amazes me how just when I think I'm making progress on this grieving thing, one thought can send me miles back on this journey.  There are days I feel I'm worse then when it all started.  Today, in between trying to hold down my liquid and vomiting, I remember the babies I mothered, but never got a chance to meet.  I wish I could bring them back, but my love for them will keep them alive in my heart.

Trigger Done; Now the Waiting Game

Choices have been all around my husband and I lately.  There didn't seem to be a good one.  All I could hope to do was choose the least bad, prepare for the worst, expect nothing, and hope to be surprised.

Some of you reading this know me in the real world.  I have not any problems with you guys posting on my person facebook, and I appreciate that.  I've spent the last few weeks debating what to do about this blog.  I've hit a point where I don't really want people to know if we decide to try again or not.  I enjoy my writing and didn't want to give that.  I thought of possibly closing down this blog, and starting up another one with more privacy.  I have decided against it because you guys have not actually shared my private thoughts on here on my personal page.  I am asking for the continued respect in this manner. What I share on here, I want to stay on here, please.  I post information on here often before I share it with even some of my closest friends and family.  That would include if by some miracle we got pregnant.  I don't want it passed around until my husband and I choose to make it public.

My last cyst thankfully went away with no problems.  I was so grateful.  During the two weeks of waiting for the cyst to shrink while I was on birth control, my endo symptoms came crashing in around me.  Some of you knew me in the worst of my endo battle.  When not only was the pain was unbearable, but my ability to hold food no longer lasted, and many times not even liquid.  It's all coming back now.  We have hit this phase again.  I'm need of another lap., but timing is bad.  Before we made any choices we decided to test my FSH again.  It has gone up to 20, from it's previous 15.  Time for trying was no on our side.  We could choose surgery and try again after recovery, but there is a good chance in those months the little bit of fertility I have would be depleted.  My choice became to live in pain, but try once more, or to give it up, walk away from the option of a biological child and have the surgery.

Many hours of praying, talking, asking the doctor a million question lead my husband and me made a choice.  We decided to try at least one more time before pursuing surgery.  If there was very little response we would move on to surgery.  We began the process of injections and stuffing things up myself. These hormones are wreaking havoc on my endo.

Tuesday I had my last ultrasound.  On one side I had an amazing follie at 22 (min. for maturity needing to be 18)  This was great!  The other side however had massive amounts of follie and cyst.  We once again were at a crossroad with decisions to make.  To trigger or not.  Triggering meant that more than likely once again I would have to deal with OHSS.  In order to get that one prefect follie we had to push my ovaries hard.  Then to top it all off, my beautiful follie was on my left side.  The very side I had my ectopic in January.  As some of you know, once you have one the chances multiply.  My RE looked carefully at my ultrasound and saw that once again, thanks to endo my left ovary has moved even more, but is actually closer to my right, which means there is a good chance my right will pick up what I ovulate if we choose that.

I came home and spilled it all out for my husband.  My husband told me to do what I wanted.  It's sad that this mess has left him even in a state of uncaring.  That is the wrong word, but I'm not sure how else to explain it.  In the end, because of the time, and money, and all the stuff we have done the past few months to get just one stupid follie, we decided to trigger.  Tuesday night, I stabbed myself and waited.  I waited for ovulation to occur and was hoping that there would be no OHSS symptoms.

Today I woke up to massive pain, weight gain, and sickness.  It's official.  My body hates me and everything to do with trying for a baby.  I have OHSS.  My husband is bringing me home dostenex and hopefully that will help make it not as bad.  For now I wait, rest, and try to not let my anger and fear get the best of me.  OHSS is already here, I just hope not to have to deal with another ectopic.

One can hope right?

I'm Moving On

I'm moving on and life is beginning to have a routine again.  I appear to be moving through life as normal once again, but I'm not.  It's like I'm moving through some sort of mist.   I know I have to go buy groceries, but I don't even remember what I get half the time.  I clean house and I go through the motions, but at the end of the day when I'm laying in bed with a heating bad I can't seem to remember anything from the day and have no idea why I'm in so much pain.

I go out with my friends, but the friends I have around all have kids.  Even these moments are surrounded by a fog.  I'm acting the part of a friend, I'm listening, I'm chatting, and I'm interacting with the children, but it's an act.  It's an act to appear complete and whole.  An act to be normal and an act to tell everybody that I'm okay and I'm moving on.  It's just an act though.  I'm broken.  I'm hurting and I have no idea how to really move on.  I hear all the time how "strong" I am, but I don't understand why people think this zombie of a human is considered strong.  I'm strong because I'm able to act fine?  I'm strong because I have no idea how to breath again.  How does that make me strong?

How am I suppose to move on?   How am I suppose to be okay with being the mother of dead babies only?  How am I suppose to hang out with friends and their young children, that only serve to remind me at how much I've failed?

I wish I knew what the next step was.  I wish the options didn't hurt so much.  If we try again and we lose another, I'm not sure I'll even be able to act normal.  If we give up and never have a biological child I'm not sure I can ever get over that sadness.  I wish I could have peace in the fact that adoption would be enough for this aching heart.  I worry my husband, as well, will always have the same sadness of never having a biological child.  I watch him interact with children and my heart breaks all over again.  I want to give him one.  I would love to have those 9 months of bonding, and the time of breast feeding, but most of all I want to give my husband a child.  I want to see him be a father, a father of a child he helped create.

He's gone through so many test and he's all good to go. We know medically and physically our problem is with me.  We've only managed our miracles because of him.  I know I shouldn't feel this way, but knowing the problem is within me, it makes it so hard not to worry.  I worry daily he's going to wake up and realize he choose a dud of a wife.  He choose a loser.  I worry that one day he'll walk away because he realizes I can't get better.  I can't satisfy his desire to father, and so much more.  I don't doubt his love, I just doubt the dream.

My husband always knows when these doubts take over and he is so patient and so kind.  He always tells me that when it comes to our infertility, it is ours, not mine.  It is our hardship to handle together, it isn't mine to travel alone.  I know he'll always be by my side and I know he'll always tackle this, not as my failure, but as our journey to parenthood. I know all this, and I don't doubt it.  Yet, I can't help but have those moments where I feel like a failure of a wife and I wonder when love will not be enough to hide my failure.  

From 40 weeks to Grief

February 21 marks a reminder I wish I could forgot.  I should have been giving birth, or at least completely uncomfortable waiting for labor.  Instead I'm a little over a week from when my last and final beta finally started to go down.  I'm losing another child when I should have been giving birth.  I can't even understand how this is even possible.  I can't understand.

I can't even express myself in this moment.  I feel so lost, broken, and defeated.  I'm still fighting to keep going on.  I didn't even realize I had this song on my phone, but it played today when it was on shuffle.  It's amazing how songs can say everything I can't.  I heard this song today and I broke down.  It's exactly what I'm feeling.  I was going to try to attempt to write out all my feelings today, but this day has defeated me, so I will let the song speak for me.  "Broken" by Lifehouse will now forever be the song for my lost children.

Never Got to Hold

It's all finally hit me as reality.  I'm not sure how I'm suppose to overcome all of this.  I've lost 3 babies.  I've put my life at risk.  My last one is finally done.  My last beta came back and my numbers were finally going down.  I've lost my 3rd baby.  This loss is different then my other's, harder almost, yet I've been less emotional.  I think because this was an ectopic, and we had to end it I'm struggling to accept reality.  I know we had no choice, the baby was already dying, and so was I.  It still seems like a nightmare that I can't wake up from.  My last beta came back, and even then I didn't feel the pain, but today the ring I ordered came in.  All of a sudden it felt real.  I have a new ring because I needed to honor 3 children, not 2.  I've lost 3 children that I never got to hold  For now that's as far as I can process.

Anger is all I have for now

I know I'll eventually write a more detailed post about all that has taken place, but at this point I'm unable.  I just wanted to take a moment to thank those who have been so great to us.  Thanks for all the support, love, and prayers.  They mean so much to me, I can't even express into words how nice it is.

My husband had to leave for business last Sunday, after I got home.  It was bad timing, but we knew he needed to go, and it was better to go then instead of waiting a week and leaving.  I'm so glad that we did that, as I really need him around now.  To make sure all was going well with this miscarriage (well...bad use of words) I went back for my beta and found that it was still raising.  We waiting it out for a bit, but my dr. decided we need to do something as I was bleeding too much, and had too much blood filling my uterus.  Thursday I went in for another beta and then had a MVA to find what was causing my bleeding.  My dr. wanted everything cleaned out to get a better look.  My beta was still raising, but too low to be healthy.  The rise of hormones was agitating my endo and adeno growths in my uterus and has caused them to start eating away at my uterus wall.  This was causing all my blood loss.  Once my MVA was done and bleeding slowed enough to not be a worry, I was given Methotrexate and sent home to await the end.

Had another beta test the next day, and my number was still raising.  This wasn't something to worry too much about as it is normal to take a few days, so I was told to come back on Monday.  Saturday night I was hit w/ intense pain, dizziness, and sickness.  I was so miserable, but thankful that finally the end was coming.  Sunday I woke up feeling not too bad, and was in a zone.  We were having a super bowl party so there was no time to grief and think about what had taken place.  In the middle of our super bowl party I started sweating and got extremely ill.  I was taken in to ER and given another blood test, only to find my beta was still raising.  I really wish I could hope and think maybe this is good, but it isn't.  Today I had shot number two.  Now I go back for more beta testing until the number goes down.  I hope that this is it.  I'm so done with all of this.  I now also have a fever so tomorrow I'll be getting that checked out further.  I'm just hoping I have no infection and that my numbers are going down and I can finally move on from this mess.

I'm feeling so confused and so frustrated.  I've been mostly running on auto pilot during this whole ordeal.  It's been worse because my husband was gone all week.  I've had a few moments of being completely angry.  I've wanted to throw things around the house, break things, and yell and scream.  I've talked with a few friends I feel okay with sharing with, and it seems every other word is a swear word of some sort.  If you knew me, you would know I don't go that route.  For the time being, I'm either angry, or I'm numb.  I'm ready to be done with this process so I can move forward, not only physically, but emotionally.