Surrounded Yet Alone

Things have been so busy lately.  I've been busy visiting with family and friends.  I've been helping my brother (via FaceTime) sort out my aunt's belongings, yet I feel alone.  I come home after a long day and I feel my heart is bursting.  I've got friends going out of their way to avoid asking how I am or doing/saying anything that will trigger my feeling.  It's not because they want to spare my feelings though I've learned it's because they can't deal with it and it makes them uncomfortable.  Family doesn't bother considering our feelings at all.  It's not even avoiding issues that may trigger sadness, it's not caring if those issues do.  It's feeling like they have completely forgotten about the the losses and struggle with infertility that we agonized over sharing with them.

For awhile I was letting these things make me believe that I was failing.  I was failing at moving on, I was taking too long to grieve, I was the problem.  Then I realized that back in Sept. we decided to share with our closest friends and family that after losing our 5 & 6 children we had reached the end of the journey of trying to bring home a biological child.  Family we talked in person, and for close friends we composed a letter because we decided we didn't want to sit through that conversation multiple times.  Only 1 of those friends took time to respond at all (I'm very thankful for that friend).  Nobody else bothered to say anything, and has worked hard to never have to face this.  The first time we visited with any of them after sending out this letter there was always tension, like they were holding their breaths hoping we wouldn't bring it up.  It wasn't that I was taking to long to grieve, it was that I was never allowed to.

In September not only did we decide to stop TTC, we also lost 2 more babies and I was rushed into ER surgery with my life hanging in the balance and my husband stuck on a plane worried he wasn't going to make it in time to see me alive again.  Without having to make the choice to stop trying for this was a terrible time for us, yet we also had to add making the hardest decision we've ever had to make.  All I feel from my family and so called friends is that I'm not allowed to feel sad about any of it and I'm just suppose to forget it and move on.

I'm good at doing this normally, at least on the outside and I've always had a ton of help because of my wonderful twitter family I've come to love and cherish, but sadly even there I'm struggling.  I'm being left behind by everyone.  We are the odd one even for the odd ones.  We are the small percentage of couples who deal with infertility and we are the small percentage of couples who have had so losses, and we are a small percentage of infertile couples that have not had success with the help of the medical world.  We are the small percent who stop TTC without having been able to bring home a child.  I sign on to twitter and it's full of women going through treatments or women who have finally been able to have that wonderful miracle. Don't get me wrong, I'm so so happy for them, but suddenly my safe haven is full of mommy tweets.  It's warms my heart, and while I was TTC it was a huge encouragement  a reminder of what I was working hard for, but now?  I just don't know.  I'm being left behind.  We are not trying and we have no child.  I just don't fit in.

So you see, I'm surrounded by family, friends, and an amazing twitter community, but I'm completely alone.  I remember when I was single I felt lonely and always thought I can't wait to married, I'll never be alone again.  This is so true.  I'm never alone, and he's always there: cuddling, listening, and loving me. As hard as he tries though, it's different for us.  Our needs are different and for him as sad as he is that we lost children and can't have any biological ones, he is happy because I'm alive and my life is no longer being put in danger. He is now only focused on our current issues and goals, which take up much of his off time.  Saving for a house so we can save up for adoption, and making sure I'm okay while I deal with all these test and problems that keep coming back to cancer scares.  In my mind all these health problems make me feel terrified that it's one more thing making me unfit to be a mother and pushing adoption away as a possibility.  For my husband he just wants me better and the rest will fall in place.  He's so good about not worrying about the future and just focusing on the now.

So yes, I am surrounded by people who care, but I'm completely alone and being left behind in all areas of life.  Friends plan outings behind my back because I'm the childless one who has nothing in common with them anymore.  Friends and family alike take my photography as a joke half the time, loving my work when I do it for free, but running to Sears when I say this is my job/business and I can't keep giving away freebies.  I've become this useless object because I don't have kids and there is no longer hope I'll bring any home.  My in-law's have written me off and blame me for not providing my husband a child, even though he's made it clear it was a choice we made together and he more than me wanted to stop being worried about losing his wife.  Now that my sis-in-law is pregnant I no longer matter at all.  The first grand baby is all that matters, and our children are lost and forgotten as if they never existed and that is the worse pain of them all.

Isaiah James, Faith Lynn, Rory Tatum, Hayden Avery, Pearl Linda, and Eli Christian you are not forgotten.  

Emotions Running Rampant

I've tried to start this post many times and never could find the words.  I couldn't hold myself together long enough to try to find them.  I still don't think I can truly express what has gone on, or what I'm feeling.  I ask that you bare with me while I make an attempt to tell you.

I thought that I was done with the medical problems for awhile.  I was taking a break from running test while my drs. did more research and we were done TTC.  I had pain meds and I really thought that for the rest of the year I could just slide by and be semi alright with no new surprises   Well I was wrong, which I should have known better that my body has it's own mind, not connected to mine, and will do whatever it feels like for absolutely no reason.

One night a few weeks ago while spending quality time with my husband my back started to spasm.  I had never felt this before.  It wasn't like my normal back cramping I get with AF or even what I've had in labor during m/c.  It wasn't a pulled muscle either.  It felt like a charlie horse in my back.  For the few seconds it lasted (maybe about 10 seconds) I couldn't move, could barely catch my breath from the pain I was in.  It quickly past and didn't come back, or so I thought.

A few days later I was hit with the spasm again.  This wasn't a one time things this time.  In about 5 minutes I had numerous spasms come and go, and throughout the next few days I had it all again.  It kept getting worse and more frequent so I finally broke down and went to the doctor.  Was told it could be kidney issues, low electrolyte issues, a new endo symptom, or I had hurt my back and didn't realize it.  Since I was currently on AF (which made them even worse) we couldn't test to see if I had any blood in my urine.  My dr. decided to do the easiest thing and prescribed me with a muscle relaxer and pain medicine.  If it didn't get better with in a few days I would need to head back and do more testing.  It seemed to be working and I was finally getting some sleep, but like all medicines my body got used to my meds and they no longer worked and my spasms came back with a vengeance.  Wednesday I spent having a bunch of test done and now I wait with more powerful meds.

Now during all this time my emotions have been haywire.  I was feeling so many things I couldn't get control of them.  I have 1 pregnant friend whose due date is just a week before my twins due date, my sister-in-law has a due date just 3 weeks behind my twins.  My sister-in-law got married at the end of June and she is already 14 weeks pregnant.  I just don't understand at all.  I know I should be happy, that is going to my niece/nephew.  Instead I'm hurting, I'm jealous, and I'm angry.  I hate visiting with my in-laws now, even when my SIL and her family are not there.  This is their first grand baby so it's all they talk about.  I'm surrounded by pregnant people and people with babies and I can't function anymore.  I don't know how to look past my pain and be happy, which just makes me feel even worse.

One evening after having dinner with my IL's I came home and broke down.  Sadly my husband got the brunt end of it.  I blew up at him at that moment because I thought I was just sad that we were not pregnant and that our dream was gone, but in yelling I realized it was so much more than that.  I realized it isn't just sadness that I'm not pregnant and that I hurt to be around it, but that I have felt ever since we shared we were done TTC with our close friends and family that we are expected to no longer feel any sadness about our lost children or our infertility. I feel completely forgotten.  My MIL talks about the upcoming baby and being so happy for her first grandbaby.  She tells us we better ask for something big for Christmas this year because after Christmas everything is going to the baby.  I see all their gifts under the tree and 90% of them are to the baby.  I am mad that our babies have been forgotten.  This isn't her first grandbaby, just the first one that will make it home.  Other than the day we shared of our losses (which we have only told them about 2) nothing has been said.  When we told them we had decided to stop TTC (which MIL tried to tell us what to do to keep trying) they have ignored us, written us off.  We won't be providing grandchildren, it's my fault, so they don't bother with us.

I don't feel it's anything I can bring up and share though because I feel that they would just think I was over dramatic/emotional,  going into depression and need to be medicated.  If I was completely honest with my feelings it would not go over well.  I would be looked at as unable to move forward, as not being able to handle my grief or to be able to heal.  That also frustrates me because part of healing is expressing.  Holding it in will actually create more problems.  Those that I do share; that I think about my babies, that I don't want them forgotten, think it's weird.  They tell me it's time to move on.

Don't get me wrong, I know I need to move forward.  I know that I have many wonderful things to be thankful about, and I have a hope that one day we will adopt and I will be a mother, but I will never ever forget about my babies.

I'm dreading Christmas this year.  I'm so tired of being forgotten, of my babies being ignored.  I'm mad that our IF is not taken seriously and that my IL's are mad that I'm not going to ever be able to provide a bio child for their son.  I know that I need to focus on my husband and how he feels.  He is sad and hurting for the children we lost and for the children we will never have, but he never holds it against me.  He has never once viewed this as my problem (even though it is my body).  He has always shared this burden and we've taken the journey together with IF as our problem to face as one.

I know that as time moves one I'll be able to get past this hurt and this anger, but it's going to make this Christmas season very difficult.  I am just hoping and praying to make it through without any breakdown, or at least not until I'm home.

Being a Lab Rat

It's been a long couple of weeks, of being poked, abused, and every last ounce of me examined, or so it seems.

I had needles going in my arms, in my spine,and in my hip bone.  I had MRI's and CT scans, and of course the numerous ultrasounds that seem like nothing now.  I've had so much of my fluids drawn that I'm surprised I have any left.  I've test I can't pronounce and test I never want to do again.  My life has been spent being a lab rat.

Good news, I don't have cancer.  Bad new, my doctors have no idea why my ovaries are enlarged, why I can't fight the simplest of infections, why I feel like I've been run over by a train 98% of the time, or why my migraines no longer respond to any medication.  They have no idea what to test or what to give me to help me. Honestly I just want to be given an IV in my arm hooked up to a morphine drip and just left alone to sleep all the time.  Instead I attempt to have a life.  I try to go out with friends.  Friends who have kids and are pregnant and talk to me about how tired they are and how unwell they feel.  I have to sit there like a good friend and just take it when all I want to do is cuss them out and tell them the shut the H up! Yet I don't.  Instead I tell them I'm sorry and ask if I can do anything to help.  WTF is wrong with me?

I now spend much of my time wishing we have never begun TTC.  My health was never great before, but now it's ruined.  What did I do to myself, all because I couldn't let go of my desire to have a biological child.

I have no idea where I'm going from here.  All I wish for are days that I can get out of bed.  As long as I can force myself up I can at least pretend that I have friends and a life.

My Husband's Love

Time is passing, as it always does.  I'm suppose to be healing and moving on, but I'm stuck.  Physically I'm still nowhere near where I want to be.  I know it's suppose to take time, but I'm sick of being stuck in this place.  Most of the year, really 2 years, I've spent mostly on bed rest or some sort of modified bed rest.  My life has been on hold.  Waiting to see if we would have success or not with this journey to having a bio child. Now after 6 losses, and after many ER visits, and dangers we are done with this journey and I don't know what my life is anymore.  I don't know what to do or where to go.  I don't know how to move on.  I'm not sure I'm ready to move on.

I feel an anger I've never felt before.  I've always had sadness mixed with the pregnancy announcements of friends, but now it's turned to anger, especially if they are complainers.  I fight the urge to slap them and yell at them to shut up and just be grateful.  I hate being that way.  I don't want it to effect any of my friendships.  I'm hoping this is something that will just pass.

I've felt sad and angry because I can't even talk to my friends. I know I could find a support group or a counselor and talk with them, and that would be helpful, but it frustrates me that I can't talk with my friends about what I'm feeling or thinking.  If I were to truly open up and say what I thought or felt it would end in disaster.  My friends would have no understanding and would just find me to be a bitter jerk.



I do have to say that through all this I have fallen in love all over again with my husband.  He is so amazing and so supportive.  Last night I became overwhelmed with love and gratitude for him.  When we started dating I told him what a life with me  might mean.  He knew I had endo and would end up with many "lazy" days.  He knew I would not be able to conceive without medical intervention, and even with the help it might not be possible.  We even knew that my chances of being able to carry full term were low, yet he still choose to love me and to marry me.  We have been tested and we know that my body is the failure, so being with somebody else could easily give him a bio child, yet he stays with me with no bitterness.  He is supportive and he loves me all the same.  I don't know how I got so blessed to have a love like his, but I am so thankful.
I know that wither I am stuck or moving forward I will always have his love and together we will get through this.

Dear Babies

I find it hard to believe that I sit here a mother to 6 perfect babies, but I remain childless.  How I miss each and every one of you.  I wish I could have met you.  I wish I could have held you in my arm, but I keep you in my heart forever.  I hate that you never got to experience this world.  Which one of you would have followed in daddy's footsteps and become a computer genius?  Would one of you be a musician or a photographer like me?

My own dear mother was taken away from me far too early.  When I would think of my future I was always sad that my mother would never get to meet her grandchildren.  I guess God took you all home for her.  Now she gets to spend her time with you.

My dear sweet children I love you all so much. No day will ever pass without thoughts of you.  I know in time the pain and aching in my heart will get better, but you will always be remembered and cherished.  One day we all will meet again.

I love you all.

I know you each by name now.  You are my children and will be forever loved,.  

2 Babies and 1 Tube Gone

Wow, since my last post my world has completely changed. I feel as though it's shattered and honestly I'm not really sure why.

Early Friday morning I woke up with my left side on fire.  I was in so much pain I couldn't walk.  I was sick and would have rather died then endure that pain again.  I was rushed to ER and called my dr.  Our assumption was that once again the rise in my HCG had agitated my endo.  We were in for a big a surprise.  The ultrasound showed a huge pool of blood hanging around my ovaries, filling my uterus and just all around.  We are not exactly sure what was going on but it was necessary to get in there and find out.

I was rushed off to surgery after a quick call to my husband who was thankfully coming home from an out of town business trip.  Once inside they discovered that I had two sacs.  One baby had made it to my uterus, but it quickly died and not much growth had happened.  The other stayed in my left tube, but was thriving.  Everything was removed along with my tube because it was too damaged.

My doctor felt horrible and has been apologizing to me non stop it seems.  My beta was so low that we never suspected any problems.  He believes that I've got some sort of blood concentration issue that is not giving us proper readings.  He said he has suspected this in my last couple of pregnancies.  He feels like it is his fault this happened.  I don't believe that, I just believe that it's our destiny.

I have been struggling with this who process.  I somehow feel this is all my fault.  I know I shouldn't, but I do.  I pushed my desire for children.  We did the last cycle knowing that our odds were no better.  I just wasn't willing to give up the dream.  I caused this.  It's my fault.

In a few weeks I've got to begin more testing.  My doctor wants to find out what is going on and why my numbers were off.  As far as trying to conceive goes it will change nothing, we are just doing this to make sure there is no bigger issue that we need to take care of.  I'm a little nervous about that.  My doctor never really shows fear, but he seemed a bit worried about my messed up levels.  I'm hoping it's just because he feels bad for missing it and giving us this unexpected situation.

I'm not feeling well at all.  I lost a lot of blood and it's taking time to replenish.  I've felt this huge weight that I just can't seem to get rid of.  I know I've got to soon face the reality of losing two more children and I've got to accept the reality that we will never have our biological children, and very possibly never have any. 

Post-Op

I've been dragging my feet about sharing my post op.  Mostly because I just don't feel any better about any of this.  I'm so bummed that even after all this I can't find any hope.

Dr. S showed me my pictures of my messed up insides.  I had so many dark cyst it was crazy.  He showed me my poor left ovary.  It was covered in a mess of scar and endo tissue that has glued itself onto my bowel and pelvic wall.  He explained that this was probably what was causing all the "pulling" sensations.  After he had removed all the tissue he added a weird mess device around the ovary to hopefully prevent it from reattaching while healing. The device is suppose to dissolve, in fact should be gone now.  That does worry me a bit, because what will prevent it now since most of us all know that endo doesn't stop growing just because of a lap.  We also know that I won't just magically stop having cyst rupturing.   My tubes looked great, which was a relief.  It was nice to know that the on tubal ectopic I had was just a random fluke and not because of my tubes being destroyed my endo.

My uterus was different story.  Dr. S told me that there was barely a spot in my uterus that was not covered in endo or adeno.  Crazy.  It's been no wonder I've felt so terrible and had so much bleeding.  He removed as much and as deep as he could, but he was trying to be careful because while removing it is good, it does also create more scar tissue, which just provide a welcome mat to growing endo.

That really all he did. It was good, but I don't feel it was enough.  He didn't search outside of these areas, which I know shouldn't effect my infertility, but I'm thinking about my quality of life as well.  I know in my other surgeries Dr. N had looked everywhere and had found stuff on my bowels, stomach and intestines.  I have no doubt I have some back, but I don't think that was taken care of.  I know I pursued this surgery in hopes of helping us in having a child, but I did also want to have some time of feeling better, and now I'm sure that is going to happen.

Dr. S went on to explain that he thinks that I'm still no ovulating.  I was like um, how is that possible?  Clearly I have since I've been pregnant.  He then went on to explain that yes technically I've been ovulating, but they have been chemical/clinical pregnancies, which basically means that while we had implantation issues, we also may not have had fully mature eggs.  This confused me because all my follies have been of good size.  He went on to explain that when monitoring everything is guess work.  He said that while I've had good follie sizes there may not be an egg, or a good egg inside.  My body is going through the motions of getting pregnant, my HCG raises, and I've even had a sac, but other then our first, we are not sure that anything was really there, or at least anything truly viable.

Well this was a lot to process.  It made me feel like the children we lost were suddenly nothing.  I felt like I shouldn't feel sad for them.  I know that's not true.  I know the chemical doesn't mean there wasn't something there, but it makes me feel like the loss of them is suddenly less important.  This in itself was a lot to take in.  I'm still trying to process what this all means.  How am I suppose to have hope that things could work now, when really nothing has truly gotten better?

Dr. S is ready to rush forward with trying again.  I was on birth control before and after surgery.  Today is suppose to be my last pill . Then I am suppose to wait for AF and start with my base scan.  I've been spotting/light flow since my surgery so I know it won't take long for AF to show.  Once the base scan clears me of cyst I am suppose to start 5 days of fermera, a oral pill normal used to treat breast cancer, but in different dosage is good for treating endo, or helping to stimulate the ovaries.  Once that is complete I'll start gonal injections, and start monitoring with ultrasounds and blood work.  Our hope is that with the blood work we can have a better idea if I'm really ovulating or not, or if it's good quality or not.  The idea is to do this cycle, get results, and depending on what happens, repeat one more time.

The crazy part is that he only wants us to do this 2, maybe 3 more times and then go straight into IVF, he doesn't want us to waste time with an IUI because he doesn't feel it would help, since it's not a male factor at all, it's an ovulation and implantation issue.  I haven't been able to share fully with this doctor that my husband and I are not really for IVF, but I have to say, now that we've made it to this point where IVF looks like it may be our only hope, I'm wavering in that choice.  I even sense that my husband is. Money may be the deciding factor anyway, but I'm not sure what to do. Dr. S holds more hope with IVF because we can actually see quality, and know that it's got a real chance of survival, but then there is still implantation to content with.  Though with being freshly cleaned out there is some hope that it could happen.

I'm not sure how to feel about any of this.  I've been stuck in this weird funk.  I haven't wanted to go hang out with anybody, it doesn't help that my friends around me all have kids and, while they try, completely fail at understanding.  I have no idea what to do.  I don't yet feel recovered from my surgery, but I'm suppose to be deciding if we start the journey of TTC again.  We haven't decided if we want to try, or wait another month.  This means more time for endo to grow, more time to lose even more eggs.  It means that we have more time to heal from our last loss, my surgery, and time to think and make more knowledgeable choice. We have until tomorrow evening to make a choice.

I'm losing hope, I'm losing my peace, and I have no idea what to do, what to think, or what to feel.  Why does the journey for children have to be so hard, why are the the most undeserving incompetent people able to so easily conceive and birth healthy babies?  I'm angry, sad, and so tired.  I'm so tired of having to pretend I'm happy all the time.

Lap Update

It's been a few days since my lap, and I've been resting and trying to recover.  I'm surprised at how sore I am this time and at how much energy has been sapped from me.

Good news is that my doctor was able to save all my parts!  I don't have all the information yet on what he did, but will find out more at my post op on August 2.  What I do know is that I had a lot of growths removed, and that my left ovary was so bad it was basically glued down to something (my hubs can't remember what the doctor said).  Dr. S was able to remove the growths on it, and then also put some sort of mesh device that will dissolve in time to help prevent it from happening again.  This would explain the placement of my ovary, so hopefully this will help us on our future.

For not that really all the information I have.  I'm still really sore, and really tired.  It's been really nice having my husband home for this recovery, but I'm already getting nervous about him going back to work on Monday.  He has offered to take an extra day off if I need him, though I think that is almost more for his own benefit than mine.  :)

Thank you everybody for all your prayers, thoughts, and encouragement.  It has been greatly appreciate.  I'll update more as I learn more.

Different # 4

This was a long weekend.  My sis-in-law got married!  We had to run around and decorate and celebrate.  It was a beautiful wedding and I'm honored to have been apart of it.  I was actually looking forward to the weekend.  I had stopped bleeding and I just love weddings.  They make me giddy!

Friday we spent the day setting up the hall.  It looked fabulous!  Sadly by that evening for the rehearsal I had already started bleeding and cramping again.  I still managed to smile and have fun.  I really did enjoy the wedding, but sadly it was also shadowed by my bleeding and pain.  I tried to ignore it since I knew I had to go to the doctor on Monday.  It kind of worked.  Here's a look at my weekend!

The tall clear center pieces had flowers added on the day of the wedding as you can see below

Monday was my doctor appointment and I was really starting to get nervous.  My cramping keeps getting worse, and a new bruise like feeling on my ovaries has started.  I just don't want to face what it means, and I also just didn't want to face the reality that we may never get another chance to try for a biological child.  I'm just not sure how to be okay with never getting to have one.  

I had a good conversation with Dr. S.  He explained that at this point we have been able to work out my bad quality egg and lack of ovulation problems.  We've managed to find a way to get pregnant, but my hostile uterus has been unable to handle it.  It flips out and kills off whatever is in there.  It was a bit hard to hear that  if it my uterus just rejected this baby for no good reason.  It was perfectly healthy.  From all the test I should have been able to deliver a perfectly healthy baby.

After this was discussed he went on to say he was at a loss of what to do, but I cut him off and explained not only when I've become pregnant, but all the time, my bleeding has become more and my pain from my endo is worse.  I feel worse than I did before my last surgery.  I had at first always kind of said that next time I have a surgery I will just do a hysterectomy, but wasn't sure I really want that now.  Dr. S said that he also thought this time it was a good idea to pursue another lap.  He want to remove all my adhesion and scar tissue and give it one more try with a freshly cleaned out uterus.  He said that he can't promise cleaning me out will fix anything, but he will be able to take a better look at my uterus and to see just how much damage has been done to it.  That way we know if we have a chance.  

He is concerned about time, and didn't want to waste anytime setting up my surgery.  I would probably be going in next week for it, but he has a vacation planned, so  he is going to plan it at the hospitals first opening after he gets back, which puts us the week of July 23.  I'm not sure of the exact date yet, but should be getting a call within the next few days, once the nurses and staff have worked out the insurance and booking the hospital.  

I feel good about this choice.  I'm scared too much time is still going to pass and we are going to miss our chance, but at least I'll be feeling a bit better.  I feel good that Dr. S was 100% on board with this choice as well and that he plans a minimum of a four hour surgery because he wants to spend a lot of time looking around and doesn't want to miss anything.  Once we get the date set up, we will have to discuss a lot of things, like giving permission to remove a tube or ovary if needed, or even worse a hysterectomy.  I know when we get to that part my nerves will set in.  For now I wait and find peace in knowing that we are choosing the best option for us.

I met with a dear friend on Monday who is dealing with some pretty intense issues in her marriage.  I feel so badly for her, but I do have to say, it has made me appreciate my husband that much more.  I've really been struggling accepting how God can ever use what we have been through for good, and I still am, but I do have to say that through all this my husband and I have drawn closer.  I hate that my friend is dealing with facing a reality that she is in a loveless marriage, but I have awoken to the fact that despite out situation and our losses we have each other.  I know it's sappy, but it's true.  I have fallen in love all over again, and I know that we will always pull through whatever life throws at us together.  

Beta is 2

Today's blood test came in, and beta is at 2.  This is a good thing.  It means my mtx. shot has done it's job,or my body has, or whatever the hell it was, it's done.  I'm no longer pregnant is what it means.  It means that baby number 4 is no longer with me.

It means that my slowed bleeding should end soon.  It means that now I can grieve for the lost child.  I've been feeling so strange with this loss.  It's been hard to process it.  It never felt real.  I barely had a moment to enjoy being pregnant.  From day one things looked like they were falling apart.  I couldn't allow myself a moment of grief because I had to take care of myself physically.  Thanks to my blood loss and the mtx. shot, I still feel shitty.  I'm dizzy, I'm nauseated, and I"m in pain.  The danger is gone.

The danger is gone; meaning, I'm allowed to feel for the loss.  When I received that call, I was hoping to hear that my beta had dropped significantly.  I was hoping for it, but I had not braced myself for it.  It was amazing how quickly that pain and sorrow entered my heart at those words.  The tears have not stopped falling since that call, yet I feel better than I have in days.  I needed closure.  I needed to feel this loss, I needed to grieve.

It's in my grief that I'm reminded of how amazing my husband is.  It's in my grief that I remember I do have a God that loves me.  I don't know how, but I do know I'll be okay because of those two facts.  I'm broken.  I'm angry.  I'm hurting.  I'm incomplete, but I'll be okay.  It's been a long time since I have felt this way.  I can't say I believe that I will ever get to hold a child in my womb and my arms, but I'll be okay.  

Bloody Monday

Things have sure not gone as planned this loss, not that a loss is ever planned.  My bleeding became really bad on Monday.  I called up Dr. S and was told to go straight to the hospital.  They tested my blood and did an ultrasound.  My uterus was full of blood. Then my beta came back and showed barely any drop.  This was scary, it meant so many possibilities and another ectopic.  I was also showing very low iron from blood loss and borderline severely dehydrated.

I was hooked to IV and told I must stay overnight.  Thanks to a low white blood count and my history I was not allowed any visitors, including my husband for fear of infection.  The next day my levels were tested again.  They wanted to get my iron and electrolytes back up before testing my beta again.  They wanted by blood to be better to give a more accurate beta result.  They decided blood level was good and took my beta, which was still hovering in the same area.  This meant they were almost positive it was an ectopic.  My bleeding had decreased and so I was given the shot of mtx and sent home to let the rest of this nightmare play out.

Just as we were pulling up in front of our home I got a phone call, apparently Dr. S had ordered the hospital to do another u/s and to take a tissue sample.  He wanted to know if I was losing pregnancy tissue, or if it was endo/adeno tissue.  I was suppose to have this before my shot.  He wanted to know where it was and he wanted to know if my bleeding truly was less.  The ultrasound sound showed significant amount of blood in my uterus. Which means the bloating was not lingering effects of OHSS, but from too much blood.  While waiting on tissue testing Dr. S ordered a MVA.  My dr. is two hours away, and what I didn't know was that he was on his way to my hospital.  When I walked into the room for my procedure I was so surprised to see him there.  It was a small bit of joy in this dark time.  He was concerned about all the blood and wanted to see for himself what was going on after it was cleaned out.

I was not looking forward to this MVA, Dr. S was even nervous, he couldn't hid it.  Every time I've had a D&C or MVA it's agitated my adeno and caused it to burrow even deeper into my uterus walls.  It was so painful, and hurt so badly.  It was like my whole body wanted to fight this procedure. It felt like my whole body was being sucked up.  My head started pounding, my feet even being to tighten, but in a matter of seconds it was over.  Then the ultrasound to show what had happened.  My uterus still had a lot of blood, but not dangerous levels, and my Dr watched it to see if I was adding more rapidly.  It seemed to be doing better, so I was allowed to dress.

During this time my results from my tissue samples were done.  There was still some pregnancy tissue in there.  Dr sent me home though, he felt safe that we had gotten all we could for now without making things worse.  He's pretty positive that my ectopic had embedded into my uterus walls, but that the shot and the MVA would be enough to clear it out.

I took another beta today, but today's results may still be weird.  I'll do at least one more and if the numbers are falling we can assume it's finally ending.  Dr. S was explaining everything to me, from the ectopic, to the massive bleeding from adeno tearing up my uterus.  I stopped him and asked him if this was all just a dream, it sounded unreal.  He gave that sympathetic smile and patted my back and told me it would be over soon, we can talk more than.

Now I'm home, resting and unsure of what to feel.  I'm just hoping, when hope seems impossible, that it's finally all done.  

Should I Give Up?

So here I am in the midst of losing our fourth child in about 2.5 years.  I'm not really sure how to move forward.  Honestly, I'm not even sure how to grieve anymore.  I'm 27 and have 4 children that were taken before I could ever meet them.  They left this world without having been held in my arms.  How does one move one from this?

It sure hasn't been helpful that my adeno and my endo have ran rampant because of this miscarriage. Every time I get pregnant it seems adeno just doesn't like whatever is going on in my uterus and it decides to eat away at even more of it.  This causes worse pain the the cramping from the miscarriage already causes and lots of blood loss.  I've been lucky so far that I haven't need to have any blood, but I was on an IV for awhile to try to give me back some of my electrolytes and all that good stuff that I had lost.

I can say that one good thing is that my OHSS is now symptom free, other than a bit of bloating still, but that might even be from my swollen and inflamed endo and adeno.  I have had time yet to face this loss.  I've been having to watch my blood flow and be ready at any moment to call my husband to take me to ER, before I get to a point of passing out from blood loss.  It really isn't allowing me to face the loss, I feel the aching in my heart for the child we lost, but I keep pushing it aside to focus on the physical right now.

My husband and I have had time to sit down and talk before I have my WTF appointment.  We have decided that for now we need to stop TTC.  We know that this means I may lose my eggs and we may never have another chance to try again, but what good is having a chance of getting pregnant again if my uterus is so messed up it rejects everything?  It seems unwise to us to take the chance of creating another life when we know that my endo and adeno are going to kill it.

We have decided, even if we have to fight for it, that we are going to pursue another lap.  I don't know if we will ever try again, but it will not happen until after a lap and healing.  The hormones and medications I have taken on the journey of TTC has only made my endo worse.  I have spent a large portion of this year stuck on bed rest.  I'm behind on cleaning, I don't cook as often as I should.  I fall back onto premade frozen meals way too often.  It's not fair to me, and it's not fair to my husband (who has never complained once about a dirty house or frozen dinners).  It's time that we put my health above our desire for children.

The other day I was listening to all my Adele music, and I forgot just how good for the soul she is.  This song "Chasing Pavement" came on, and the chorus hit me in a way it never has before.  The lyric of the whole song are clear she is talking about a man, but the chorus part was good for me.  I've been really struggling about "giving up" on TTC.  When we found out I was pregnant, but was facing a miscarriage, and then it became a miscarriage, I felt like our journey was leading nowhere.  We kept trying, but were always ending up in the same place, with a BFN, or with another lost child.  To me it felt like we were going in circle.  I felt like I was just chasing an impossible dream.  The line "Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements even if it leads nowhere?" really stood out to me and said exactly what I've been struggling with.

For now we stop.  For now we treat my endo and adeno.  We focus on making my life as painfree as possible.  This means I may end up with a hysterectomy (which won't cure me, or take all the endo away, but will at least decrease the pain and the sickness) or may help make my uterus less hostile, but that time may end up in losing the ability to wake up my ovaries.

#4 Brings us Closer

I apologize for not updating yesterday.  I was no in the best of place, which I guess lets you know the outcome.

I went in that morning to the lab to have my blood drawn, but I felt it was useless.  After a restless 4 hours of sleep I woke to horrible cramping, and yep, a ton of red blood.  My lab was pretty full, but I found a place to sit with a few empty seats around it.  I really didn't want to be caught up in some superficial conversations.  While I sat there 3 preggo bellies passed in front of me on their way for glucose testing.  Then just 2 seats down another one is talking on the phone about how they just had their drink and now have to sit and wait an hour before they can get their drink.  She went on and on about how frustrated she was.  She said she was tired of that thing controlling her.  Ugh!  Really?  I'll take it.  I'll turn my whole world upside down for the chance, oh wait, I've done that already.

I was begging for my named to be called at any moment.  I was struggling to not jump up and punch that women in the face. I just wanted to knock some sense into her.  How can you not imagine the miracle you are holding there.  How can you not love it so much, that an hour long glucose test is totally worth it?  Then while I'm slightly begging for my name to be called next, and a women and her niece sit next to me.  Low and behold the women is pregnant.  While sitting there the reception walks to us, hand the women her drink for the test and then ask me to confirms my number. The young women overheard this conversation and asks me which flavor drink I choose?  What the crap?  She asked for my number, not for choice of flavor.  Before I have a chance to answer she is asking me how far along I am and going on about how she still has morning sickness and she's so tired of it.  I know my OHSS made me hugely bloated, plus, well I am fat, but really?  Thankfully, at the moment I was attempting to figure out what to say, my name was called and it was time to get up.

The lab tech I had was great.  She saw that it was a pregnancy test, but knew enough about where the order was coming from to be careful what she said.  She asked about my blood, and I explained, and I saw that look at her face.  She knew as well what was happening.  She found my vein easily, despite being slightly dehydrated and quickly got what she needed.  She bandaged my arm and said I would know by 3, and she would try to push it faster, but couldn't promise anything.

For the rest of the day, each time the phone rang my stomach knots grew.  Finally I had the call I was dreading  waiting for.  Beta was at 21.  I should have been closer to 50.  I always had had those faint lines, and it was explained that meant that at a minimum I would have been at 25.  They asked about my bleeding and how my OHSS was doing, and it all came down to the fact that I'm miscarrying our 4th child. I'll go back for one more Beta to just make sure it is not an ectopic, but it everything points to miscarriage.

That evening when my husband came home, I didn't have to say much.  He asked if I got the result and I just looked at him, and he knew.  It's the first time I've seen a look of hopeless cross his face, and I hope I never have to see that again.  He was supportive, he hugged and we spent the evening talking, watching Lost and just being together.  This situation sucks.  I hate that I'm there again.  My faith in God is being shaken like never before, but the one thing I do know.  I have an amazing husband.  He is so much more than I deserve, and no matter what happens I know together we will make it.

Upcoming Beta

Tomorrow, well I guess today, is my beta.  A large part of me want to just "forget" about it and stay home curled up in bed.  I'm not ready to face the truth.  I should be encouraged, my bleeding has not had anymore
red, and has slowed down, but the clots of increased.  It's pretty much all I'm losing now.

I'm not ready to lose number 4.  I'm not ready to accept that not only does it takes lots of money, and drugs to get me pregnant, but despite all that, my hostile uterus hates the baby and likes to get rid of it.  The only one I had that was a good and healthy was my ectopic.  Against all odds it just kept growing and growing.  I had to try over and over to kill that thing and kept hoping it praying it wouldn't get large enough to send me into an emergency surgery.

Will my husband and I ever get to experience that joy of seeing that little miracle that we made?  Will we ever get the moment in the hospital of pure love, joy, and wonder at the bundle we hold in our arms, that just a few moments ago was snuggled in my belly?  I'm just asking for one little baby.  Is that so wrong?  I stand by and watch over and over again as women get pregnant and never once change their lifestyles birth healthy women.  I watch them continue to smoke because they just can't give it up, I watch them sneak a few drinks.  They never take their prenatal. They make it full term with no scares to the life of their child.  The child they didn't even really want in the first place.  I just can't understand it, and I wish I could.  Am I selfish for trying so hard for a child when it seems it is just never going to be?

I'm done, I'm not ready to do this again, and I'm not sure it's possible to heal.  I'm angry, I'm hurt, and I hate that this is happening.  For the first time ever, I'm not just mad, I'm angry at God, and I just don't know why the Hell is allowing this to happen.  I'm wondering what good prayers are, when God is going to allow this to happen.  It's His will, right?  That's what I'm always told.  Well if this is His will, I don't want to be apart of it.  I have prayed and fasted for my chance to have a child, and each time I get close it's ripped away from me.  I know a ton of wonderful women and couples dealing with infertility, who have had just as much trouble to conceive, who have experience just as much, if not more hurt and loss that I have.  For every one of those women I have seen and met at least 2 who don't take care of their children, who abort then, don't want them, or who cannot care for them.  I just can't understand how God thinks this is a good thing.  It's not right, and it unfair, and I don't care at this moment how bad I sound.  

Remembering

Just when I think that my endo vomiting is more than I can handle, OHSS rears it's ugly head and I've been awake since 4 Am vomiting every ounce of food, or liquid I take in, and then some.  I'm doing my best to fight it all.  I'm fighting the nausea in hopes of holding down at least liquid.  The last place I want to end up in is the hospital.

Thanks to my exhausted state of my mind, I can't help but think and become overly emotional.  What is today's thoughts? For once during this cycle, I'm not freaking out about all the possibilities of what may be, I'm taking it a day at a time.  I'm not hoping, but I'm not bracing for the worst either.  I just am. Today instead of worrying about what will be, I'm grieving for what never was.  The other day I was chatting with a friend.  I was sharing about my first miscarriage and suddenly I realized the date marked a milestone in what would have been our first born son.  He would have been 18 months.  I know imagining what life could have been is just as unhealthy as "what  if's" are; yet, that is what I have found myself doing.  It's been so hard to imagine that I would have an 18 month old.  I've imagined what his most current milestone would have been.  Would he be walking on those unsteady legs, having finally taking his first steps.  Would he have been practicing with walking to mommy and daddy in a fun little game?  It's so hard to imagine that I could actually have a child.  How different my life would be.

It amazes me how just when I think I'm making progress on this grieving thing, one thought can send me miles back on this journey.  There are days I feel I'm worse then when it all started.  Today, in between trying to hold down my liquid and vomiting, I remember the babies I mothered, but never got a chance to meet.  I wish I could bring them back, but my love for them will keep them alive in my heart.

Trigger Done; Now the Waiting Game

Choices have been all around my husband and I lately.  There didn't seem to be a good one.  All I could hope to do was choose the least bad, prepare for the worst, expect nothing, and hope to be surprised.

Some of you reading this know me in the real world.  I have not any problems with you guys posting on my person facebook, and I appreciate that.  I've spent the last few weeks debating what to do about this blog.  I've hit a point where I don't really want people to know if we decide to try again or not.  I enjoy my writing and didn't want to give that.  I thought of possibly closing down this blog, and starting up another one with more privacy.  I have decided against it because you guys have not actually shared my private thoughts on here on my personal page.  I am asking for the continued respect in this manner. What I share on here, I want to stay on here, please.  I post information on here often before I share it with even some of my closest friends and family.  That would include if by some miracle we got pregnant.  I don't want it passed around until my husband and I choose to make it public.

My last cyst thankfully went away with no problems.  I was so grateful.  During the two weeks of waiting for the cyst to shrink while I was on birth control, my endo symptoms came crashing in around me.  Some of you knew me in the worst of my endo battle.  When not only was the pain was unbearable, but my ability to hold food no longer lasted, and many times not even liquid.  It's all coming back now.  We have hit this phase again.  I'm need of another lap., but timing is bad.  Before we made any choices we decided to test my FSH again.  It has gone up to 20, from it's previous 15.  Time for trying was no on our side.  We could choose surgery and try again after recovery, but there is a good chance in those months the little bit of fertility I have would be depleted.  My choice became to live in pain, but try once more, or to give it up, walk away from the option of a biological child and have the surgery.

Many hours of praying, talking, asking the doctor a million question lead my husband and me made a choice.  We decided to try at least one more time before pursuing surgery.  If there was very little response we would move on to surgery.  We began the process of injections and stuffing things up myself. These hormones are wreaking havoc on my endo.

Tuesday I had my last ultrasound.  On one side I had an amazing follie at 22 (min. for maturity needing to be 18)  This was great!  The other side however had massive amounts of follie and cyst.  We once again were at a crossroad with decisions to make.  To trigger or not.  Triggering meant that more than likely once again I would have to deal with OHSS.  In order to get that one prefect follie we had to push my ovaries hard.  Then to top it all off, my beautiful follie was on my left side.  The very side I had my ectopic in January.  As some of you know, once you have one the chances multiply.  My RE looked carefully at my ultrasound and saw that once again, thanks to endo my left ovary has moved even more, but is actually closer to my right, which means there is a good chance my right will pick up what I ovulate if we choose that.

I came home and spilled it all out for my husband.  My husband told me to do what I wanted.  It's sad that this mess has left him even in a state of uncaring.  That is the wrong word, but I'm not sure how else to explain it.  In the end, because of the time, and money, and all the stuff we have done the past few months to get just one stupid follie, we decided to trigger.  Tuesday night, I stabbed myself and waited.  I waited for ovulation to occur and was hoping that there would be no OHSS symptoms.

Today I woke up to massive pain, weight gain, and sickness.  It's official.  My body hates me and everything to do with trying for a baby.  I have OHSS.  My husband is bringing me home dostenex and hopefully that will help make it not as bad.  For now I wait, rest, and try to not let my anger and fear get the best of me.  OHSS is already here, I just hope not to have to deal with another ectopic.

One can hope right?

Distractions

This week while dealing with the unknown of my future ability of children I've been attempting to keep myself busy, to do more with life.  I'm trying to remind myself that I'm more than a women with endometriosis.  I'm more than a women unable to get or stay pregnant.  I'm a women who has talents.  I needed that reminder, so I've been busy this week.  I've been trying new projects and practicing old talents.  I have been doing a lot with my photography.  If you want to see what I've been up to with that, take a look here.

I did finally try making fudge for the first time ever.  I've never been a fan of cooking or baking, but I would rather cook than bake.  Fudge really doesn't fall under either one, so I don't know why I avoided trying it.  I got a peanut butter fudge recipe from my friend and tried it out first as it was, and then made a chocolate and peanut butter version.  They turned out so delicious and I'm rather proud of myself.  It was nice to know that this messed up body could manage to do something good.

I've been trying to decide a new look for our bathroom.  We had a mix of blue, but no real theme anymore in out bathroom after moving in.  I thought I wanted to keep my dark blue and just add silver to that, but it was becoming hard to find, unless I wanted to spend a lot of money, which I didn't.  In the end I decided on something that was no where near what I thought I would like, but it's perfect because it blends perfectly with the bedroom set.  So someday when we buy a house and have a master bed and bath room it will go perfectly.  This new color though meant I needed to change some of the knickknacks in the bathroom, and I wanted to this without spending a lot of money.  A few years ago my husband got me hooked on the Bawls energy drinks. I ended up falling in love with the bottles as well.  They were the prefect color of my kitchen decor, so I spruced them up a bit and added them to our house, nobody the wiser to what they really were.  When we moved into this little place they fit better in the bathroom, and when well with the dark blue shower curtain I had, and I was planning to change the color scheme to fit.  I have no decided against that so I did some work on some new bottles and got a new plan for them.  I'm rather proud of what I did.  

This is our bedroom set

This was the non matching shades of blue bathroom

This is the new one (ignore the towels, I have matching pretty ones now)

This was what I started with

This was my first creation

This is the new one for the bathroom!  I'm proud of how it turned out.  

 I was not able to fully ignore our situation these last few weeks, but it was nice to try to plan other things.  It is all catching up now.  My experimental stims don't seem to be working that well and we have to figure out what we want to do.  We don't have a lot of information to help us figure out what to do.  When my husband is back from his business trip we will be having to talk and make decisions we have been avoiding.  Right now I'm fighting with either a cyst about to rupture on my left ovary, or more endo growth.  If it's endo growth its going to be hard to figure out what to do.  Right now it creates bad pain so stand straight, or to sit in most positions.  It's so frustrating.  Before this pain hit me though, I was so ungraceful when getting energy drinks at BevMo last Friday.  I had a bag full of glass bottled drinks when I stepped off a curb and rolled my foot and fell landing on my elbow as my brace (without spilling or breaking my drinks!)  It felt fine at first, so the walk back to the car was fine, but half way home my foot was in so much pain and swollen.  Thankfully I had an appointment in a few hours anyway for my allergy shot.  I was concerned about being able to drive there, so when I got home I put my foot up, took ibuprofen, and iced it.  It felt a bit better, but just walking to the car and driving to the doctor ruined it all.  They ordered an x-ray and I had to wait for results.  By the end of the weekend I was hardly able to walk.  Monday my results came in, not broken, but I had bruised the bone.  I was told to rest it and come back at the end of the week if still swollen and in pain.  I am, so tomorrow I'll go in and probably have at least a soft cast of some sort.

The photo does not do it justice

This weekend we are headed up to my in-law's cabin to help them make their fire break that is required every year.  I'm not really looking forward to the work in my current condition, but I'm looking forward to getting away.  It's going to be the whole family.  My husbands parents, brother, sister, and her fiance.  It should be fun despite the work!

Happy Weekend

I feel as if I've kind of ran away from the world for a few days, or weeks really.  I think I vaguely mentioned how I was currently still doing stims to help keep my ovaries awake while we decide what to do.  I feel like I'm losing my mind, and turns out, I kind of am, or at least my hormones are going wild.

I felt stuck in this place of desperation, desperation for a child, longing for the children I had that didn't get to be born and frustration for all those failed cycles that got us nowhere.  I'm so tired of my life being ruled by cycles.  My period shows, and I'm stuck in bed barely able to move, eat, or live with the pain, then I start taking stims.  I quickly turn into a hot flashing crazy lady.  Then starts drinking gallons of water at a time (okay maybe a slight exaggeration) taking pre-natal all in the hopes that it might help.  My hormones go crazy and I stop having control of my emotional state.  I start having pains in my ovaries.  I have to violated often by other men often to watch the growth of my follies and my lining thickness.  I have to be careful to avoid OHSS, which I never want to deal with again.  Then I wait for 2 long torturous weeks.  Thanks to all the meds I get to feel pregnant.  I have to physically treat myself as though I am.  Those two weeks I have no live.  I can't lift too much, I can't do lot of movements I normally would do.  Then when that lovely bloody monthly curse shows up, I get to deal with the sadness of having failed again, and also the pain of my cramps and the beginning of another cycle.  What kind of life is that?  In that whole time I only have a small window of opportunity of when I can have a life without serious painful side effects.

I had forgotten what it was like to have a normal life.  I had forgotten how much I needed it.  Since my ectopic I've been on limited duty.  We had to deal with paying all the bills from the blood work, from the hospital and from the shots that I had to take.  Finally we were in a financially decent (not great, just decent) place  again, so my hubs decided it was time to take me out for a date.  It was a great a night.  We went to a movie and then went to dinner.  We ended up sitting until 1 Am at the restaurant just talking and enjoying ourselves.  We had good long conversations that didn't focus on medications, pain, or budgeting out next cycle.  It reminded of when we were dating.  We had some great talk about heaven that for a moment gave me some peace and calming as we thought of our children up there. It's one of the first time I've thought of our children and not been overcome with sadness and anger.

Saturday was a good day for us, we both got up about the same time and had a lazy day watching movies.  We met some friends for dinner as we do each week.  I designed a baptism invite for a friend while there, which was a bit sad, but I treated it like a job and was able to keep my sadness at bay.  Later that night we meet some friends who just got in town.  It was another young couple with no children.  We had so much fun and it was nice to hang out with friends with no children.  That may sound bad, but it was nice.  We stayed up until 3 AM at Denny's chatting, laughing, and joking.   I got home that night morning thinking about how fun this weekend had been.

Sunday was our annual family reunion on my husband's side of the family.  This was even fun.  Thanks to facebook and time I'm starting to remember everybody on his side of the family.  It was nice to have real conversations with his cousins and other family.  Last year this was a hard event for me because there were some new babies, and would have been the first reunion for our first baby.  This one had a bit of sadness before I arrived since our second loss would have been just short of two months.  I actually felt really happy for most of the day, but towards the end as I was watching the children run around I started to feel that pain of sadness.  It continued into the evening and I was sad that this happiness had only lasted a short time.

I thought this was sadness at our losses, but as Monday arrived I realized it was more than that.  I was grieving for our lost life.  I was missing fun weekends were we were not stressing about injecting at a specific time, or making sure I was able to keep my medicines cold.  I want that again, but I want that joy with a child added.  I worry that will never happen, so these moments of carefree joy will be few and far between.  For now I'll be happy for a great weekend and attempt to not over stress about my future.  

Dangerous Hope

I've been trying to keep myself so busy.  It's in the silence and the stillness that I find myself unable to catch my breath.  When I allow myself time to think and dwell I do.  I've worn myself out.  A dear friend recently got a new house and while my husband was away on business I was often working at her new place.  She is my friend with the newborn close to the age of what my second child would have been, so I really worked myself hard there, but every night I came home to empty house and was hit with the pain of being childless.

I wonder if I'll ever have a child and I wonder if I'll have get over the pain of being childless?  I don't want to down play my life.  I am extremely blessed.  I have some pretty amazing friends and a husband who is so much more than I deserve. Those things alone are enough to make me happy and I know I could have a very happy life, even if I never have a child.  What I wonder is when it won't hurt when I watch a mother pick up her baby to feed her.  Will my heart always race when I pick up a child parented by somebody else?

I've been thinking about more than the loss of this last child, I'm struggling to accept this is all God's plan.  I know I'm suppose to just blindly accept it.  If he chooses for me not to be a mother, I'm suppose to be okay with that, but I don't know how to be.  After 3 losses and after spending a bunch of money and many invasive doctor appointments I'm finally facing the reality of giving up on this dream forever.   It may seem crazy, but the thought of giving up this dream forever is killing me.  The pain from this choice is worse than any other pain I've ever had.  It's not just losing a child, it's never having a chance to create a child again.  Why is that so hard?  That doesn't close to door for motherhood, it just closes the door for biological children.  Yet, every day I look at our history and our future chance I keep coming to the conclusion that trying again would be a disaster and I think we should decide to not try again.  The first time my husband and I finally voiced that as a real option was at our WTF appointment.  Once we said those words to Dr. S "We don't think we will try again" it was as if the world had stopped and suddenly I had an elephant sitting on my chest.  Dr. S was great, as he always has been.  He told us there was no pressure to start again.  The only thing he said was that I needed to keep my ovaries stimulated while we wait, so that the decision is not forced on us.

Once again I'm stabbing my stomach with needles daily and unsure of what the future will hold, but I'm too afraid to face the reality that we may never have a child.  I have a fear of losing another, but more than that I have a fear of never having one again.  I still hold onto the small ounce of hope that maybe one day we could have one, and giving that hope up is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

Sunday I went with a friend to watch The Hunger Games.  I was excited to be getting out of the house and to have something to keep my mind busy from this world of infertility and loss.  However, there was a moment in the film that made my heart ache with understanding.  There was a quote that President Snow speaks.  It was meant as a way to explain to the gamekeeper why they keep up the hunger games.  They choose the allow the games with the hope of 1 winner, instead of just killing off the complete 24.  Hope being the key.  What he says about hope stood out to me, while hope for a child is not the same as hope of living, the definition of hope that he uses is the same for all types of hope.

"Hope, it is the only thing stronger than fear.  A little hope is effective, a lot of hope is dangerous.  A spark is fine - as long as it's contained." President Snow The Hunger Games.  

I'm Moving On

I'm moving on and life is beginning to have a routine again.  I appear to be moving through life as normal once again, but I'm not.  It's like I'm moving through some sort of mist.   I know I have to go buy groceries, but I don't even remember what I get half the time.  I clean house and I go through the motions, but at the end of the day when I'm laying in bed with a heating bad I can't seem to remember anything from the day and have no idea why I'm in so much pain.

I go out with my friends, but the friends I have around all have kids.  Even these moments are surrounded by a fog.  I'm acting the part of a friend, I'm listening, I'm chatting, and I'm interacting with the children, but it's an act.  It's an act to appear complete and whole.  An act to be normal and an act to tell everybody that I'm okay and I'm moving on.  It's just an act though.  I'm broken.  I'm hurting and I have no idea how to really move on.  I hear all the time how "strong" I am, but I don't understand why people think this zombie of a human is considered strong.  I'm strong because I'm able to act fine?  I'm strong because I have no idea how to breath again.  How does that make me strong?

How am I suppose to move on?   How am I suppose to be okay with being the mother of dead babies only?  How am I suppose to hang out with friends and their young children, that only serve to remind me at how much I've failed?

I wish I knew what the next step was.  I wish the options didn't hurt so much.  If we try again and we lose another, I'm not sure I'll even be able to act normal.  If we give up and never have a biological child I'm not sure I can ever get over that sadness.  I wish I could have peace in the fact that adoption would be enough for this aching heart.  I worry my husband, as well, will always have the same sadness of never having a biological child.  I watch him interact with children and my heart breaks all over again.  I want to give him one.  I would love to have those 9 months of bonding, and the time of breast feeding, but most of all I want to give my husband a child.  I want to see him be a father, a father of a child he helped create.

He's gone through so many test and he's all good to go. We know medically and physically our problem is with me.  We've only managed our miracles because of him.  I know I shouldn't feel this way, but knowing the problem is within me, it makes it so hard not to worry.  I worry daily he's going to wake up and realize he choose a dud of a wife.  He choose a loser.  I worry that one day he'll walk away because he realizes I can't get better.  I can't satisfy his desire to father, and so much more.  I don't doubt his love, I just doubt the dream.

My husband always knows when these doubts take over and he is so patient and so kind.  He always tells me that when it comes to our infertility, it is ours, not mine.  It is our hardship to handle together, it isn't mine to travel alone.  I know he'll always be by my side and I know he'll always tackle this, not as my failure, but as our journey to parenthood. I know all this, and I don't doubt it.  Yet, I can't help but have those moments where I feel like a failure of a wife and I wonder when love will not be enough to hide my failure.