Secret Cycle + Pregnancy = Our New Future

Decisions, testing, waiting, and more decisions.  I feel that this is all my life has been for the past few weeks.  I've been struggling.  I have had a hard time knowing what choice to make.  I haven't felt at peace about any of our options since my lap.  I've had my doctor with all his medical advice, family and friends have had their say, and then that leaves me and my husband.  I know our choice and our feelings are what matters.  I think for me the most challenging part has been the lack of time we have had to make our choices.  I've felt rushed to make a choice and so I've been unable to feel they are the right choice.

My last post we left of not knowing what we were going to do. Well we did make a choice. We decided to try again. We knew before we made anymore choices we needed to do this. We needed to try at least once after my lap. The minute I started taking the medications I felt bad. In the pit of my stomach I didn't have peace. Hope was completely gone, but it was so much worse than that.  I wasn't even dreading the worst.  I had just given up.  I didn't care what happened anymore.  If it worked and I got pregnant I wouldn't have been able to find joy.  I would be spending each day worried.  Each symptom or lack of symptom would always have me on edge wondering if this was the baby to stay.  If it didn't work and we didn't end up pregnant then I would be sad and I would fight with feelings of being a failure, even though I know I shouldn't.  Can you see my problem, now?  I felt screwed either way.

I went in for my last scan, having no symptoms to encourage me that we had any follies or that my ovaries were waking up.  One of my incisions had become infected and I just wanted to go home and not bother seeing on that screen how my body cannot do anything right.  Yet I pressed on.  My scan was a huge surprise.  It seemed that our new medication was helping.  I had two follies ready for trigger, not just that, but they were the best sizes I've ever had.  This could be our cycle.  Nothing has ever looked so good.

That night we trigger and began the waiting.  We decided it was time to make choices while we were not stuck in the sadness of a BFN or while dealing with the worry a BFP would bring.  We decided that since I had enough gonal left for another cycle we would do one more if we got a BFN. Clearly if we got a BFP we wouldn't need to try again (at least not until we wanted child #2).  What did we do though if the BFP still didn't bring us home a child?  We decided at that point we would stop trying.  We would be sad, but have to know that we had tried everything we could.

In this time my husband learned he had to leave for a work trip, the day after we officially know if I was pregnant or not.  I lost all hope I had at this point.  Every time my husband has left while I was pregnant things have always turned bad.  I guess I should say hope was lost, it just changed directions.  I was hoping for a BFN.  My husband and I decided we were going to track and test a lot this cycle.  Just in case we saw red flags about a second cycle.  I POAS until my trigger disappeared, then waited a few days.  I tested again, and got a faint line.  I have to admit, it was early to have any sort of a line, so I was hopeful, yet scared out of my mind.  For a couple days that line grew just a bit darker.  This was good.

Then the red blood started on Saturday, my official day, which still had a positive.  All I could do was wait, but by that evening all bleeding and spotting had stopped.  This is a good sign, the previous bleeding could be the normal implantation bleeding that is very common.  The next morning my line was lighter, on the same brand test.  My spotting increased, but was brown which is the safe color.  I dropped my husband off to leave for the week.  I could see the worry on his face.  He struggled having to leave again, but even if he stayed here nothing would change whatever was happening.  To make a long story short, I had a blood test and my beta which should have been at least 50 was 19.  From the test I took it was clear it was lowering not rising.  I know you are all surprised, huh?  Another lost child, I'm sure you're sick of reading about it.  I'm tired of writing it.

We are now done.  I got to talk to Dr. S today who has actually now told me that he wouldn't suggest IVF for us, but would instead suggest surrogacy.  Dr. S saying this just made me know that this was the right choice for us.  Our end had come.  My emotions have been a bit all over the place.  I've been mostly numb to it all, until tonight.  I am so grateful for FaceTime, so I could still see my husband when he's gone, but it was so hard seeing the look he got.  It's killing him that he's so far away.  Now that it time that I should be sleeping it is all hitting me like a ton of bricks.  We will never have a biological child.  We will never hear a heart beating within my womb.  We will never get to marvel at the tiny feet kicking and pushing.   It's ended and it's time to move on.  I will never have anybody in my family who is actually related to me.

It's time to move on.  I'm not sure what that is, but it's what we need to do.  I want to say that I'll be a mother some day through adoption, but honestly I don't know what the plan is.  At this very moment I know better than to be naive and believe adoption will our future.  All I know is that right now we have shut the book, not the chapter, on having a baby and I'm letting the tears fall.

Should I Give Up?

So here I am in the midst of losing our fourth child in about 2.5 years.  I'm not really sure how to move forward.  Honestly, I'm not even sure how to grieve anymore.  I'm 27 and have 4 children that were taken before I could ever meet them.  They left this world without having been held in my arms.  How does one move one from this?

It sure hasn't been helpful that my adeno and my endo have ran rampant because of this miscarriage. Every time I get pregnant it seems adeno just doesn't like whatever is going on in my uterus and it decides to eat away at even more of it.  This causes worse pain the the cramping from the miscarriage already causes and lots of blood loss.  I've been lucky so far that I haven't need to have any blood, but I was on an IV for awhile to try to give me back some of my electrolytes and all that good stuff that I had lost.

I can say that one good thing is that my OHSS is now symptom free, other than a bit of bloating still, but that might even be from my swollen and inflamed endo and adeno.  I have had time yet to face this loss.  I've been having to watch my blood flow and be ready at any moment to call my husband to take me to ER, before I get to a point of passing out from blood loss.  It really isn't allowing me to face the loss, I feel the aching in my heart for the child we lost, but I keep pushing it aside to focus on the physical right now.

My husband and I have had time to sit down and talk before I have my WTF appointment.  We have decided that for now we need to stop TTC.  We know that this means I may lose my eggs and we may never have another chance to try again, but what good is having a chance of getting pregnant again if my uterus is so messed up it rejects everything?  It seems unwise to us to take the chance of creating another life when we know that my endo and adeno are going to kill it.

We have decided, even if we have to fight for it, that we are going to pursue another lap.  I don't know if we will ever try again, but it will not happen until after a lap and healing.  The hormones and medications I have taken on the journey of TTC has only made my endo worse.  I have spent a large portion of this year stuck on bed rest.  I'm behind on cleaning, I don't cook as often as I should.  I fall back onto premade frozen meals way too often.  It's not fair to me, and it's not fair to my husband (who has never complained once about a dirty house or frozen dinners).  It's time that we put my health above our desire for children.

The other day I was listening to all my Adele music, and I forgot just how good for the soul she is.  This song "Chasing Pavement" came on, and the chorus hit me in a way it never has before.  The lyric of the whole song are clear she is talking about a man, but the chorus part was good for me.  I've been really struggling about "giving up" on TTC.  When we found out I was pregnant, but was facing a miscarriage, and then it became a miscarriage, I felt like our journey was leading nowhere.  We kept trying, but were always ending up in the same place, with a BFN, or with another lost child.  To me it felt like we were going in circle.  I felt like I was just chasing an impossible dream.  The line "Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements even if it leads nowhere?" really stood out to me and said exactly what I've been struggling with.

For now we stop.  For now we treat my endo and adeno.  We focus on making my life as painfree as possible.  This means I may end up with a hysterectomy (which won't cure me, or take all the endo away, but will at least decrease the pain and the sickness) or may help make my uterus less hostile, but that time may end up in losing the ability to wake up my ovaries.

From Brown to Red

Sleep was hard to come by as my thoughts have been reeling.  The only thoughts I've been able to have is "I can't do this" and "Why the Hell is this happening again?"

Once I feel asleep at about 6 AM I slept off and on until about noon.  I had no reason to make myself get up other than to call my RE's office and hear what I don't want to hear.  Once I got myself up and fed my dog I made the dreaded call.  I explained everything, the spotting, the faint tests, the clots, and the bleeding.  I was told to wait until Thursday and do a blood test, it's still too early because it's possible my trigger is still in my system.  (It's not, I tested at the beginning of my 2WW just to make sure it was out) I have never done that before, but I explained to the nurse I saw, and she told me to still wait.  I was told not to worry because the blood was brown.  I was told to stay mostly in bed/couch and not do much until after we know what's going on.  I was also told brown is common, and even the amount means nothing.  The call felt like a big waste of time.  If I wait until Thursday it's possible my beta will be nothing and will be considered a failed cycle, and necessary testing and precautions if we choose to try again will not be taken seriously.

I was good and stayed in bed, only getting up to pee and get more Gatorade, thanks to lovely OHSS it's all I can drink.  I'm once again unable to sleep, and had to get up to pee.  I wish I had the ability to sleep through the pain because for one more night I might have been able to hold onto hope, instead going pee became my worst event of the day.  I've now got red blood.  It's still not fully a flow, but it's a bit more than just some random spotting. Tomorrow I'll be calling, but all that will happen is to go on complete bed rest until Thursday.  So until Thursday I'll only be seeing the 4 white walls of my bedroom.   

Trigger Done; Now the Waiting Game

Choices have been all around my husband and I lately.  There didn't seem to be a good one.  All I could hope to do was choose the least bad, prepare for the worst, expect nothing, and hope to be surprised.

Some of you reading this know me in the real world.  I have not any problems with you guys posting on my person facebook, and I appreciate that.  I've spent the last few weeks debating what to do about this blog.  I've hit a point where I don't really want people to know if we decide to try again or not.  I enjoy my writing and didn't want to give that.  I thought of possibly closing down this blog, and starting up another one with more privacy.  I have decided against it because you guys have not actually shared my private thoughts on here on my personal page.  I am asking for the continued respect in this manner. What I share on here, I want to stay on here, please.  I post information on here often before I share it with even some of my closest friends and family.  That would include if by some miracle we got pregnant.  I don't want it passed around until my husband and I choose to make it public.

My last cyst thankfully went away with no problems.  I was so grateful.  During the two weeks of waiting for the cyst to shrink while I was on birth control, my endo symptoms came crashing in around me.  Some of you knew me in the worst of my endo battle.  When not only was the pain was unbearable, but my ability to hold food no longer lasted, and many times not even liquid.  It's all coming back now.  We have hit this phase again.  I'm need of another lap., but timing is bad.  Before we made any choices we decided to test my FSH again.  It has gone up to 20, from it's previous 15.  Time for trying was no on our side.  We could choose surgery and try again after recovery, but there is a good chance in those months the little bit of fertility I have would be depleted.  My choice became to live in pain, but try once more, or to give it up, walk away from the option of a biological child and have the surgery.

Many hours of praying, talking, asking the doctor a million question lead my husband and me made a choice.  We decided to try at least one more time before pursuing surgery.  If there was very little response we would move on to surgery.  We began the process of injections and stuffing things up myself. These hormones are wreaking havoc on my endo.

Tuesday I had my last ultrasound.  On one side I had an amazing follie at 22 (min. for maturity needing to be 18)  This was great!  The other side however had massive amounts of follie and cyst.  We once again were at a crossroad with decisions to make.  To trigger or not.  Triggering meant that more than likely once again I would have to deal with OHSS.  In order to get that one prefect follie we had to push my ovaries hard.  Then to top it all off, my beautiful follie was on my left side.  The very side I had my ectopic in January.  As some of you know, once you have one the chances multiply.  My RE looked carefully at my ultrasound and saw that once again, thanks to endo my left ovary has moved even more, but is actually closer to my right, which means there is a good chance my right will pick up what I ovulate if we choose that.

I came home and spilled it all out for my husband.  My husband told me to do what I wanted.  It's sad that this mess has left him even in a state of uncaring.  That is the wrong word, but I'm not sure how else to explain it.  In the end, because of the time, and money, and all the stuff we have done the past few months to get just one stupid follie, we decided to trigger.  Tuesday night, I stabbed myself and waited.  I waited for ovulation to occur and was hoping that there would be no OHSS symptoms.

Today I woke up to massive pain, weight gain, and sickness.  It's official.  My body hates me and everything to do with trying for a baby.  I have OHSS.  My husband is bringing me home dostenex and hopefully that will help make it not as bad.  For now I wait, rest, and try to not let my anger and fear get the best of me.  OHSS is already here, I just hope not to have to deal with another ectopic.

One can hope right?

Happy Weekend

I feel as if I've kind of ran away from the world for a few days, or weeks really.  I think I vaguely mentioned how I was currently still doing stims to help keep my ovaries awake while we decide what to do.  I feel like I'm losing my mind, and turns out, I kind of am, or at least my hormones are going wild.

I felt stuck in this place of desperation, desperation for a child, longing for the children I had that didn't get to be born and frustration for all those failed cycles that got us nowhere.  I'm so tired of my life being ruled by cycles.  My period shows, and I'm stuck in bed barely able to move, eat, or live with the pain, then I start taking stims.  I quickly turn into a hot flashing crazy lady.  Then starts drinking gallons of water at a time (okay maybe a slight exaggeration) taking pre-natal all in the hopes that it might help.  My hormones go crazy and I stop having control of my emotional state.  I start having pains in my ovaries.  I have to violated often by other men often to watch the growth of my follies and my lining thickness.  I have to be careful to avoid OHSS, which I never want to deal with again.  Then I wait for 2 long torturous weeks.  Thanks to all the meds I get to feel pregnant.  I have to physically treat myself as though I am.  Those two weeks I have no live.  I can't lift too much, I can't do lot of movements I normally would do.  Then when that lovely bloody monthly curse shows up, I get to deal with the sadness of having failed again, and also the pain of my cramps and the beginning of another cycle.  What kind of life is that?  In that whole time I only have a small window of opportunity of when I can have a life without serious painful side effects.

I had forgotten what it was like to have a normal life.  I had forgotten how much I needed it.  Since my ectopic I've been on limited duty.  We had to deal with paying all the bills from the blood work, from the hospital and from the shots that I had to take.  Finally we were in a financially decent (not great, just decent) place  again, so my hubs decided it was time to take me out for a date.  It was a great a night.  We went to a movie and then went to dinner.  We ended up sitting until 1 Am at the restaurant just talking and enjoying ourselves.  We had good long conversations that didn't focus on medications, pain, or budgeting out next cycle.  It reminded of when we were dating.  We had some great talk about heaven that for a moment gave me some peace and calming as we thought of our children up there. It's one of the first time I've thought of our children and not been overcome with sadness and anger.

Saturday was a good day for us, we both got up about the same time and had a lazy day watching movies.  We met some friends for dinner as we do each week.  I designed a baptism invite for a friend while there, which was a bit sad, but I treated it like a job and was able to keep my sadness at bay.  Later that night we meet some friends who just got in town.  It was another young couple with no children.  We had so much fun and it was nice to hang out with friends with no children.  That may sound bad, but it was nice.  We stayed up until 3 AM at Denny's chatting, laughing, and joking.   I got home that night morning thinking about how fun this weekend had been.

Sunday was our annual family reunion on my husband's side of the family.  This was even fun.  Thanks to facebook and time I'm starting to remember everybody on his side of the family.  It was nice to have real conversations with his cousins and other family.  Last year this was a hard event for me because there were some new babies, and would have been the first reunion for our first baby.  This one had a bit of sadness before I arrived since our second loss would have been just short of two months.  I actually felt really happy for most of the day, but towards the end as I was watching the children run around I started to feel that pain of sadness.  It continued into the evening and I was sad that this happiness had only lasted a short time.

I thought this was sadness at our losses, but as Monday arrived I realized it was more than that.  I was grieving for our lost life.  I was missing fun weekends were we were not stressing about injecting at a specific time, or making sure I was able to keep my medicines cold.  I want that again, but I want that joy with a child added.  I worry that will never happen, so these moments of carefree joy will be few and far between.  For now I'll be happy for a great weekend and attempt to not over stress about my future.  

Dangerous Hope

I've been trying to keep myself so busy.  It's in the silence and the stillness that I find myself unable to catch my breath.  When I allow myself time to think and dwell I do.  I've worn myself out.  A dear friend recently got a new house and while my husband was away on business I was often working at her new place.  She is my friend with the newborn close to the age of what my second child would have been, so I really worked myself hard there, but every night I came home to empty house and was hit with the pain of being childless.

I wonder if I'll ever have a child and I wonder if I'll have get over the pain of being childless?  I don't want to down play my life.  I am extremely blessed.  I have some pretty amazing friends and a husband who is so much more than I deserve. Those things alone are enough to make me happy and I know I could have a very happy life, even if I never have a child.  What I wonder is when it won't hurt when I watch a mother pick up her baby to feed her.  Will my heart always race when I pick up a child parented by somebody else?

I've been thinking about more than the loss of this last child, I'm struggling to accept this is all God's plan.  I know I'm suppose to just blindly accept it.  If he chooses for me not to be a mother, I'm suppose to be okay with that, but I don't know how to be.  After 3 losses and after spending a bunch of money and many invasive doctor appointments I'm finally facing the reality of giving up on this dream forever.   It may seem crazy, but the thought of giving up this dream forever is killing me.  The pain from this choice is worse than any other pain I've ever had.  It's not just losing a child, it's never having a chance to create a child again.  Why is that so hard?  That doesn't close to door for motherhood, it just closes the door for biological children.  Yet, every day I look at our history and our future chance I keep coming to the conclusion that trying again would be a disaster and I think we should decide to not try again.  The first time my husband and I finally voiced that as a real option was at our WTF appointment.  Once we said those words to Dr. S "We don't think we will try again" it was as if the world had stopped and suddenly I had an elephant sitting on my chest.  Dr. S was great, as he always has been.  He told us there was no pressure to start again.  The only thing he said was that I needed to keep my ovaries stimulated while we wait, so that the decision is not forced on us.

Once again I'm stabbing my stomach with needles daily and unsure of what the future will hold, but I'm too afraid to face the reality that we may never have a child.  I have a fear of losing another, but more than that I have a fear of never having one again.  I still hold onto the small ounce of hope that maybe one day we could have one, and giving that hope up is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

Sunday I went with a friend to watch The Hunger Games.  I was excited to be getting out of the house and to have something to keep my mind busy from this world of infertility and loss.  However, there was a moment in the film that made my heart ache with understanding.  There was a quote that President Snow speaks.  It was meant as a way to explain to the gamekeeper why they keep up the hunger games.  They choose the allow the games with the hope of 1 winner, instead of just killing off the complete 24.  Hope being the key.  What he says about hope stood out to me, while hope for a child is not the same as hope of living, the definition of hope that he uses is the same for all types of hope.

"Hope, it is the only thing stronger than fear.  A little hope is effective, a lot of hope is dangerous.  A spark is fine - as long as it's contained." President Snow The Hunger Games.  

I'm Moving On

I'm moving on and life is beginning to have a routine again.  I appear to be moving through life as normal once again, but I'm not.  It's like I'm moving through some sort of mist.   I know I have to go buy groceries, but I don't even remember what I get half the time.  I clean house and I go through the motions, but at the end of the day when I'm laying in bed with a heating bad I can't seem to remember anything from the day and have no idea why I'm in so much pain.

I go out with my friends, but the friends I have around all have kids.  Even these moments are surrounded by a fog.  I'm acting the part of a friend, I'm listening, I'm chatting, and I'm interacting with the children, but it's an act.  It's an act to appear complete and whole.  An act to be normal and an act to tell everybody that I'm okay and I'm moving on.  It's just an act though.  I'm broken.  I'm hurting and I have no idea how to really move on.  I hear all the time how "strong" I am, but I don't understand why people think this zombie of a human is considered strong.  I'm strong because I'm able to act fine?  I'm strong because I have no idea how to breath again.  How does that make me strong?

How am I suppose to move on?   How am I suppose to be okay with being the mother of dead babies only?  How am I suppose to hang out with friends and their young children, that only serve to remind me at how much I've failed?

I wish I knew what the next step was.  I wish the options didn't hurt so much.  If we try again and we lose another, I'm not sure I'll even be able to act normal.  If we give up and never have a biological child I'm not sure I can ever get over that sadness.  I wish I could have peace in the fact that adoption would be enough for this aching heart.  I worry my husband, as well, will always have the same sadness of never having a biological child.  I watch him interact with children and my heart breaks all over again.  I want to give him one.  I would love to have those 9 months of bonding, and the time of breast feeding, but most of all I want to give my husband a child.  I want to see him be a father, a father of a child he helped create.

He's gone through so many test and he's all good to go. We know medically and physically our problem is with me.  We've only managed our miracles because of him.  I know I shouldn't feel this way, but knowing the problem is within me, it makes it so hard not to worry.  I worry daily he's going to wake up and realize he choose a dud of a wife.  He choose a loser.  I worry that one day he'll walk away because he realizes I can't get better.  I can't satisfy his desire to father, and so much more.  I don't doubt his love, I just doubt the dream.

My husband always knows when these doubts take over and he is so patient and so kind.  He always tells me that when it comes to our infertility, it is ours, not mine.  It is our hardship to handle together, it isn't mine to travel alone.  I know he'll always be by my side and I know he'll always tackle this, not as my failure, but as our journey to parenthood. I know all this, and I don't doubt it.  Yet, I can't help but have those moments where I feel like a failure of a wife and I wonder when love will not be enough to hide my failure.  

Never Got to Hold

It's all finally hit me as reality.  I'm not sure how I'm suppose to overcome all of this.  I've lost 3 babies.  I've put my life at risk.  My last one is finally done.  My last beta came back and my numbers were finally going down.  I've lost my 3rd baby.  This loss is different then my other's, harder almost, yet I've been less emotional.  I think because this was an ectopic, and we had to end it I'm struggling to accept reality.  I know we had no choice, the baby was already dying, and so was I.  It still seems like a nightmare that I can't wake up from.  My last beta came back, and even then I didn't feel the pain, but today the ring I ordered came in.  All of a sudden it felt real.  I have a new ring because I needed to honor 3 children, not 2.  I've lost 3 children that I never got to hold  For now that's as far as I can process.

Anger is all I have for now

I know I'll eventually write a more detailed post about all that has taken place, but at this point I'm unable.  I just wanted to take a moment to thank those who have been so great to us.  Thanks for all the support, love, and prayers.  They mean so much to me, I can't even express into words how nice it is.

My husband had to leave for business last Sunday, after I got home.  It was bad timing, but we knew he needed to go, and it was better to go then instead of waiting a week and leaving.  I'm so glad that we did that, as I really need him around now.  To make sure all was going well with this miscarriage (well...bad use of words) I went back for my beta and found that it was still raising.  We waiting it out for a bit, but my dr. decided we need to do something as I was bleeding too much, and had too much blood filling my uterus.  Thursday I went in for another beta and then had a MVA to find what was causing my bleeding.  My dr. wanted everything cleaned out to get a better look.  My beta was still raising, but too low to be healthy.  The rise of hormones was agitating my endo and adeno growths in my uterus and has caused them to start eating away at my uterus wall.  This was causing all my blood loss.  Once my MVA was done and bleeding slowed enough to not be a worry, I was given Methotrexate and sent home to await the end.

Had another beta test the next day, and my number was still raising.  This wasn't something to worry too much about as it is normal to take a few days, so I was told to come back on Monday.  Saturday night I was hit w/ intense pain, dizziness, and sickness.  I was so miserable, but thankful that finally the end was coming.  Sunday I woke up feeling not too bad, and was in a zone.  We were having a super bowl party so there was no time to grief and think about what had taken place.  In the middle of our super bowl party I started sweating and got extremely ill.  I was taken in to ER and given another blood test, only to find my beta was still raising.  I really wish I could hope and think maybe this is good, but it isn't.  Today I had shot number two.  Now I go back for more beta testing until the number goes down.  I hope that this is it.  I'm so done with all of this.  I now also have a fever so tomorrow I'll be getting that checked out further.  I'm just hoping I have no infection and that my numbers are going down and I can finally move on from this mess.

I'm feeling so confused and so frustrated.  I've been mostly running on auto pilot during this whole ordeal.  It's been worse because my husband was gone all week.  I've had a few moments of being completely angry.  I've wanted to throw things around the house, break things, and yell and scream.  I've talked with a few friends I feel okay with sharing with, and it seems every other word is a swear word of some sort.  If you knew me, you would know I don't go that route.  For the time being, I'm either angry, or I'm numb.  I'm ready to be done with this process so I can move forward, not only physically, but emotionally.

# 3

I am still trying to piece together all that happened this weekend.  I'm in a bit of daze still and when I think of everything it's like I'm watching one of those weird lifetime movies.  I'm feeling angry right now.  I don't think this anger feeling ever hit me in any of my losses before.  I'm numb and I'm angry.  I just don't think that's a good combination.

This week was a long week, as I was on my home stretch to finding out if this cycle had worked.  The OHSS made it all that much worse.  The uncertainty of where my egg had ended up was constantly at the forefront of my mind.  Each day that my pain from OHSS got worse, or at least not better was more reason to hope for the possibility of a BFP.  No pregnancy would mean that my OHSS would be clearing up soon, but a pregnancy would mean that it would actually get worse.  While I was suffering from this pain, I was hoping to get worse.  I wanted with all my heart for this to finally be it.  Tuesday rolled around and everytime I wiped I had blood on the TP, but never spotting or anything more.  I ended the day with hope, could this finally be that implantation bleeding I hear so much about?  Could my body finally be doing something right? The next day the same thing happened, and then on Thursday again.  I was losing hope, it shouldn't be lasting this long.  It was quickly apparent that it had increased and I had enough to be spotting, still not bad though.  I went to bed that night more confused then ever.  My pain kept me tossing and turning until finally I couldn't take it anymore, I sat up out of bed only to violently projectile vomit without any warning.

I then woke in ER being wheeled for an blood test and ER ultrasound.  My ovaries were now as large as softballs and I had a ton of fluid in my uterus.  I had gained 5 pounds in just an hour.  It was time to drain before something worse happened. At this point my blood test was in and my beta was at 11.  What?? I'm pregnant?  Yet before my husband and I even had a chance to process that and be happy it was quickly shot down.  We were informed this was way too low, even for how early our test was.  My bleeding was also something to be concerned about.  I was put on IV of fluids.  I was monitored closely and as my ovaries filled with more fluid they would drain them and hope to keep the fluid out of my uterus until we had another blood test to let us know what to do.  Sunday finally arrived, rather quickly as I was weak and mostly sleeping, and my next beta was here.  It was 19.  I'll admit at this point I was a bit hopeful, it's gone up, that must be good, right?  My number should have been at least 50, so my little 19 was not a good sign.  It was figured at this point since I seem to be miscarrying naturally that I could go home, stay in bed, drink lots of fluid and wait it out.  I'm suppose to still be watching for sudden weight gain, sickness, and or pain because not only do I have the danger of a ruptured sac, but also the dangers that come with the OHSS.

Here I sit at home, angry.  I'm having full on contractions and I'm waiting for the end.  I'm avoiding facing the reality that we have lost another baby.  My anger is at the fact that so many women have to endure this.  It just isn't right in anyway.  

Another Year Older, Still Childless

Well it's officially my birthday now, and it's 2:30 AM and I'm being kept awake by stabbing pains in my ovaries.  Happy birthday to me, huh?  I've never been one to care that much about my birthday.  I usually just want it to be a small simple ordeal without too much attention, but this year I don't want it to come at all.  No, not because I feel old. I'm only 27.  I don't want it to be here because it is another reminder that I still have no child.  I've been a mother, I've had two children, but I have no children.  Happy birthday to me?

Sitting awake at these crazy hours, in this tortuous pain really is so devastating.  Once again, I've put myself in danger just for the chance to have a child I get to carry home.  While waiting out this OHSS to pass I can't help but to finally feel defeated.  I have spent more of my time stuck on bed rest this year than anything else.  Why do I keep pushing when there seems to be no more hope?  If I physically destroy myself to have a child, how is that worth it?I need to be able to be in good enough condition to care for a child, and I can't do that if I keep pushing it beyond it's limits.  My left side has been in so much more pain today then it has during this whole process.  There are so many things this can mean.  I not even sure I want to think about what could happen.  I figure I'll face that reality when I get there.  I'm in pain and sick to my stomach constantly, oh yeah, happy birthday to me, right?

Today a dear friend had her baby girl.  She is a good friend, and usually is so good about having sensitivity to my situation.  The last few months, however, it's been a challenge to be around her, because her focus has been all about the baby.  Don't get me wrong, I understand that.  She was close to giving birth, and so uncomfortable and ready to meet her sweet little one.  She my only friend in my area, and so I've stuck through it and kept my emotions in check until I was home.  I figured if she was still this insensitive and forgetful of our situation after the baby came then we were good enough friends that I was due a heart to heart with her.  She had picked a few friends for her mother to text once the baby was born, and of course being close friends I was on that list.  Today as I was just about to finally doze off to sleep my phone went off, and I get a picture of a beautiful baby girl and all the information about her.  I was in pain and exhausted so I held off my emotions to sleep, and about 30 minutes later a picture came of her all cleaned and wrapped up.  I couldn't take it anymore and I feel apart.

I couldn't figure out why I was so upset.  I've seen a few baby announcements lately and while sad, and even had some tears fall, I didn't fall apart.  While I sitting in bed crying it suddenly hit me.  In the time of trying my friend has given birth to her first, had her husband gone for close to a year for reserves, gotten pregnant and given birth again.  In that time I've only managed to have two miscarriages.  This thought only brought more pain as I realized I would have been giving birth in about a month from now.  Happy Birthday to me?

I have a dear friend who just went through an ectopic and we were texting back and forth earlier and we were sharing our feelings and how others react to ectopic and early miscarriages.  Most just don't even recognize how real that loss is.  They like to think it's too early to be anything yet, but that's not true.  Did you know that in the first 4 weeks of development, even before implantation, the sex, hair and eye color, have all been figured out.  By 6 weeks there is a heartbeat.  Never ever downplay an early loss.  For those short weeks that couple had a baby.   

A New Plan To Come

I've been awaiting one phone call since my last doctor appointment, and it came today.  I have an appointment made with a new specialist on Wednesday the 21st at 11:30 AM.  I've been eagerly awaiting this call, but now that it has come, I'm terrified.  My stomach has come alive with a thousand little butterflies dancing around.  The doctor I'm seeing specializes in my type of cases.  I should be encouraged, but right now I am nervous.  I'm just not sure I can handle much more bad in this journey.

I was realizing today that right now, and for awhile, infertility has ruled my life.  Even when I try to do other things, it all comes back to this.  I want to make plans to do stuff, but I have to make sure I bring my medicine to take, or if it is injection day, I have to make sure that I have a way to keep it cold if I need to leave, and that I'm able to get to a bathroom or private room so I can stab my own stomach.  My next step is going going to get more involved.  I don't know to what extent yet, but it will include daily injections.  I know diabetics deal with this, but I am often times gone for large periods of the day when I am out, and that is too long for my medicine to go without being in the fridge.  This is all a lot of work, but if I get a baby I know it will be worth it.  Yet each cycle that I go through right now has a less than 15% of getting me pregnant, and an even less chance of not ending in miscarriage.

I have some days that I feel alright, and I feel hopeful, and I don't mind all these procedures, shots, and medicines.  Other days I just want to cry because it all seems unfair.  I watch all around me as friends seem to get pregnant from their first try.  I talk with friends who share with me that they are ready to try, either with their first or for their next, and just a few short months later, they are pregnant.  There are no issues, not problems.  Just two people who love each other, who share there love in intimacy, and BAM!, baby is here nine short months later.  I get to watch as two really do become one, and their love for each other (and sometimes just a damn oops!) gives them a baby.

Some days the fact that I feel that it isn't our love creating a baby really saddens me.  I feel myself being weighted down that for as love as my husband and I have for each other, it just doesn't seem to be enough to create that extra life.  I will shed my tears.  Then of course my wonderful husband, who is always my strength, reminds me that our journey has shared more love then any couple can have.  Despite the medicines, the injections, and the unromantic encounters, if we manage to have that miracle, that baby will have been made with so much love, there is no way s/he can be a strong and wonderful human!

The other day I was reminded at the miracle of a baby by my wonderful friend Endo Journey, with her blog post The Fragility of the Miracle.   I was reminded no matter if this baby is created by a fertile women, or with the help of science for an infertile women, a baby is a miracle.  The ability for 2 small part of a couple to grow and multiply into a tiny little human is amazing.

While I am nervous for our upcoming new path, my hope is being renewed.  

Feeling Myself Drifting Away

For some reason I find myself feeling so lost.  I can't seem to find a way out of this infertility world.  I feel myself drifting away from reality.  I don't want anything to do with anybody.  I could easily see myself holed up in my house for weeks and not caring that I'm not out with friends.  I have friends soon due to give birth to their precious babies, and all I want to do is stay as far away from them as possible.  I am so happy for their joy, but it is a reminder of what I can't seem to have.  I feel as though my infertility has become a loser sentence.  I had a few friend who were great at letting me know they cared, and that they were praying and thinking of us, but as this journey keeps getting longer, those friends become less and less.  I don't understand.  I know it may be hard to be friends with somebody who seems to be stuck in this chapter, but are we not suppose to have friends who care?  I feel like my friends have basically decided that "hey, I was okay with supporting you for about 6 months of this 'infertility' thing, but it's carried on long enough.  Just hurry up and have your baby and move on with our dumb life."  I am sure they really don't mean that, and what really is happening is that because this has been so long and things seem to keep going from bad to worse they really have no idea how to love and support us.  I will say that I don't fully know myself, but one way is not to ignore us.  How about leave a quick message every once in awhile just so I know that I'm not alone.  I feel myself drifting away, and I don't want to be.  

I found this today while surfing through Pinterest, which I rarely do.  I was almost instantly brought to tears.  I couldn't have said it better.

I Would Give It All

The young one there,

The overwhelmed 

The one that doesn't want.

It seems so easy.

These all choose to end it.

I would give it all

Give it all for the chance

The chance to hold you

Hold you in my arms forever

I pick myself up

I move forward.

All for a missing line.

Out of nowhere

The first time

The accident

It seems so easy

Hold the complaints

I would give it all

Give it all for the chance

The chance to hold you

Hold you in my arms forever

I pick myself up

I move forward.

All for a missing line

I want to know what it's like

To have our love multiplied

To hold in our hands

A dream we brought to life.

I would give it all

Give it all for the chance

The chance to hold you

Hold you in my arms forever.

I would give it all

To know what it's like

I would give it all

For the chance to hold you

I would give it all

To bring our dream to life

I would give it all

Unresponsive Ovary

A little collection from our trip to Las Vegas, Nevada 

I am so thankful for our short trip to Vegas.  My husband had to spend a lot of time in conferences, but he says it was worth it and he learned a lot.  It was a short trip, but it was so needed.  Wednesday was our travel there day, and I was feeling miserable and getting worried about the rest of the trip.  I hardly got any sleep that night, but Thursday morning arrive with about 2 hours of sleep (maybe) and my pain was not too bad.  I spent a little bit of time relaxing at the pool, and then went to the wildlife habitat and got to watch dolphins swim around for a while, and then checked out the Tigers.  For me that was my highlight.  I then went to the Bellagio Gardens.  It was beautiful.  Later that evening the strip was closed for a Indy "race," which was more of a little parade. We then ended the evening with the Fountains at the Bellagio.  Sadly by that time my pain was taking over.  Friday I hardly remember what I did, it was some shopping, but pain and sickness ruined it and made the fly home miserable.  I am thankful for the one day I had though.  It was something I didn't even realize how much I needed.

I want to be done, yet at the same time, I don't want to give up.  My pain has gone out of control since we have done treatments and I am not sure i am strong enough to keep dealing with it.  I have picked up rarely being able to hold anything down.  It seems to be hard for a doctor to accept that vomiting and nausea are a symptoms of endo.  It annoys me.  It has been proven to me that it is in my case.  What more do I have to do to prove it to new doctors?  I can't treat any of these problems though until I give up on trying for a baby.

I had another scan today to see how this cycle is responding.  From day one I have had little hope for this cycle, for no reason.  I am day 13.  Last cycle on day 14 I had a follie at 22, this time I have a ton of little cyst on my right ovary, but no good follie.  My RE spent a long time trying to find my left ovary.  When she finally did it was barely anything to see.  She could not get the wand close enough to see it.  It has been a challenge the last few scans to find my left ovary, but when it is found they have still been able to see some follies on it, but this time, nothing.  My ovary seems to have shifted and seems to have gone dormant.  My right ovary still had the PCOS look and is not responding to medicine.  I will go back on day 15 to see if maybe I am just late this month.  I hold little hope for that.

I am suppose to go back to my doctor on the 7 of November.  Hopefully something can be done, or at least a choice can be made that I feel is the right choice.  I really do have to wonder if there is a right choice.  I have little hope that I can be pain free, and I have little hope that I will have my own biological child.  I hate feeling this way.  I wish I knew what I could do.  I would give up trying if I knew it could lead to no pain and the ability to move forward with adoption.

My husband and I have finally sat down and talked through a few things.  I was holding on to trying not just for myself, but for him as well.  Whenever adoption came up he was never really into it, never said no, but never gave me the impression he was okay with it.  In talking to him we both finally were open with our feelings.  He never was against it, but just wanted to take things one day at at time.  He didn't see the point in discussing adoption when we didn't even know if we could or couldn't have kids.  Now that we have spent so long trying and are facing the reality of my physical condition he finally gave a choice.  I am happy that I do at least feel good about the chances of adoption and will not have to doubt his regret for not having a biological child.  I just wish that meant I could feel better about giving up, but I just don't want to give up until I have no other choice.