My Husband's Love

Time is passing, as it always does.  I'm suppose to be healing and moving on, but I'm stuck.  Physically I'm still nowhere near where I want to be.  I know it's suppose to take time, but I'm sick of being stuck in this place.  Most of the year, really 2 years, I've spent mostly on bed rest or some sort of modified bed rest.  My life has been on hold.  Waiting to see if we would have success or not with this journey to having a bio child. Now after 6 losses, and after many ER visits, and dangers we are done with this journey and I don't know what my life is anymore.  I don't know what to do or where to go.  I don't know how to move on.  I'm not sure I'm ready to move on.

I feel an anger I've never felt before.  I've always had sadness mixed with the pregnancy announcements of friends, but now it's turned to anger, especially if they are complainers.  I fight the urge to slap them and yell at them to shut up and just be grateful.  I hate being that way.  I don't want it to effect any of my friendships.  I'm hoping this is something that will just pass.

I've felt sad and angry because I can't even talk to my friends. I know I could find a support group or a counselor and talk with them, and that would be helpful, but it frustrates me that I can't talk with my friends about what I'm feeling or thinking.  If I were to truly open up and say what I thought or felt it would end in disaster.  My friends would have no understanding and would just find me to be a bitter jerk.



I do have to say that through all this I have fallen in love all over again with my husband.  He is so amazing and so supportive.  Last night I became overwhelmed with love and gratitude for him.  When we started dating I told him what a life with me  might mean.  He knew I had endo and would end up with many "lazy" days.  He knew I would not be able to conceive without medical intervention, and even with the help it might not be possible.  We even knew that my chances of being able to carry full term were low, yet he still choose to love me and to marry me.  We have been tested and we know that my body is the failure, so being with somebody else could easily give him a bio child, yet he stays with me with no bitterness.  He is supportive and he loves me all the same.  I don't know how I got so blessed to have a love like his, but I am so thankful.
I know that wither I am stuck or moving forward I will always have his love and together we will get through this.

Post-Op

I've been dragging my feet about sharing my post op.  Mostly because I just don't feel any better about any of this.  I'm so bummed that even after all this I can't find any hope.

Dr. S showed me my pictures of my messed up insides.  I had so many dark cyst it was crazy.  He showed me my poor left ovary.  It was covered in a mess of scar and endo tissue that has glued itself onto my bowel and pelvic wall.  He explained that this was probably what was causing all the "pulling" sensations.  After he had removed all the tissue he added a weird mess device around the ovary to hopefully prevent it from reattaching while healing. The device is suppose to dissolve, in fact should be gone now.  That does worry me a bit, because what will prevent it now since most of us all know that endo doesn't stop growing just because of a lap.  We also know that I won't just magically stop having cyst rupturing.   My tubes looked great, which was a relief.  It was nice to know that the on tubal ectopic I had was just a random fluke and not because of my tubes being destroyed my endo.

My uterus was different story.  Dr. S told me that there was barely a spot in my uterus that was not covered in endo or adeno.  Crazy.  It's been no wonder I've felt so terrible and had so much bleeding.  He removed as much and as deep as he could, but he was trying to be careful because while removing it is good, it does also create more scar tissue, which just provide a welcome mat to growing endo.

That really all he did. It was good, but I don't feel it was enough.  He didn't search outside of these areas, which I know shouldn't effect my infertility, but I'm thinking about my quality of life as well.  I know in my other surgeries Dr. N had looked everywhere and had found stuff on my bowels, stomach and intestines.  I have no doubt I have some back, but I don't think that was taken care of.  I know I pursued this surgery in hopes of helping us in having a child, but I did also want to have some time of feeling better, and now I'm sure that is going to happen.

Dr. S went on to explain that he thinks that I'm still no ovulating.  I was like um, how is that possible?  Clearly I have since I've been pregnant.  He then went on to explain that yes technically I've been ovulating, but they have been chemical/clinical pregnancies, which basically means that while we had implantation issues, we also may not have had fully mature eggs.  This confused me because all my follies have been of good size.  He went on to explain that when monitoring everything is guess work.  He said that while I've had good follie sizes there may not be an egg, or a good egg inside.  My body is going through the motions of getting pregnant, my HCG raises, and I've even had a sac, but other then our first, we are not sure that anything was really there, or at least anything truly viable.

Well this was a lot to process.  It made me feel like the children we lost were suddenly nothing.  I felt like I shouldn't feel sad for them.  I know that's not true.  I know the chemical doesn't mean there wasn't something there, but it makes me feel like the loss of them is suddenly less important.  This in itself was a lot to take in.  I'm still trying to process what this all means.  How am I suppose to have hope that things could work now, when really nothing has truly gotten better?

Dr. S is ready to rush forward with trying again.  I was on birth control before and after surgery.  Today is suppose to be my last pill . Then I am suppose to wait for AF and start with my base scan.  I've been spotting/light flow since my surgery so I know it won't take long for AF to show.  Once the base scan clears me of cyst I am suppose to start 5 days of fermera, a oral pill normal used to treat breast cancer, but in different dosage is good for treating endo, or helping to stimulate the ovaries.  Once that is complete I'll start gonal injections, and start monitoring with ultrasounds and blood work.  Our hope is that with the blood work we can have a better idea if I'm really ovulating or not, or if it's good quality or not.  The idea is to do this cycle, get results, and depending on what happens, repeat one more time.

The crazy part is that he only wants us to do this 2, maybe 3 more times and then go straight into IVF, he doesn't want us to waste time with an IUI because he doesn't feel it would help, since it's not a male factor at all, it's an ovulation and implantation issue.  I haven't been able to share fully with this doctor that my husband and I are not really for IVF, but I have to say, now that we've made it to this point where IVF looks like it may be our only hope, I'm wavering in that choice.  I even sense that my husband is. Money may be the deciding factor anyway, but I'm not sure what to do. Dr. S holds more hope with IVF because we can actually see quality, and know that it's got a real chance of survival, but then there is still implantation to content with.  Though with being freshly cleaned out there is some hope that it could happen.

I'm not sure how to feel about any of this.  I've been stuck in this weird funk.  I haven't wanted to go hang out with anybody, it doesn't help that my friends around me all have kids and, while they try, completely fail at understanding.  I have no idea what to do.  I don't yet feel recovered from my surgery, but I'm suppose to be deciding if we start the journey of TTC again.  We haven't decided if we want to try, or wait another month.  This means more time for endo to grow, more time to lose even more eggs.  It means that we have more time to heal from our last loss, my surgery, and time to think and make more knowledgeable choice. We have until tomorrow evening to make a choice.

I'm losing hope, I'm losing my peace, and I have no idea what to do, what to think, or what to feel.  Why does the journey for children have to be so hard, why are the the most undeserving incompetent people able to so easily conceive and birth healthy babies?  I'm angry, sad, and so tired.  I'm so tired of having to pretend I'm happy all the time.

Lap Update

It's been a few days since my lap, and I've been resting and trying to recover.  I'm surprised at how sore I am this time and at how much energy has been sapped from me.

Good news is that my doctor was able to save all my parts!  I don't have all the information yet on what he did, but will find out more at my post op on August 2.  What I do know is that I had a lot of growths removed, and that my left ovary was so bad it was basically glued down to something (my hubs can't remember what the doctor said).  Dr. S was able to remove the growths on it, and then also put some sort of mesh device that will dissolve in time to help prevent it from happening again.  This would explain the placement of my ovary, so hopefully this will help us on our future.

For not that really all the information I have.  I'm still really sore, and really tired.  It's been really nice having my husband home for this recovery, but I'm already getting nervous about him going back to work on Monday.  He has offered to take an extra day off if I need him, though I think that is almost more for his own benefit than mine.  :)

Thank you everybody for all your prayers, thoughts, and encouragement.  It has been greatly appreciate.  I'll update more as I learn more.

The Date is Set

I'm not sure why I've been putting off updating and letting you all know that my surgery date has been set.  There is no real reason.  The only thing is that I've been busy trying to clean house, get ready for a garage sale, get frozen dinner prepared for recovery, and rest because I've been exhausted.  The garage sale won't be happening until after my surgery, but I need to be ready for it, and won't be able to do much.

My surgery date is July 20!  Friday the 13 is my pre-op.  Not sure if I should be worried or superstitious about that day, but for now I'll hope it means good things to come.  My husband has take the 20-29 off of work.  I'm really glad he will be around for everything, to help during recovery as well.

I'm trying to get a lot of things done before my surgery to make it easy for him.  This is his only vacation this year, and he's spending it taking care of me.  I want to make it as easy for him as possible so I've set goals.  My goal is to deep clean the house completely, to have everything that we sale at his parent's garage sale set aside, and to have easy meals he can pull out of the freezer and set in the oven or cock pot and not have the think.

It's funny.  I've had some friends tell me to make him do the cooking, but he only BBQ's, so I don't think I want learning while I'm on almost bed rest, and like I said, this is his vacation time.  We've even played around with the idea of going to the beach for a night, or up to our old camp for a few days.  We've been wanting to go, my husband has really wanted to go volunteer some time, but we know we were going to have a surgery to work around, and my brother from Seattle is planning to come with his 3 kids, so his vacation time has had to be worked around them.  We are not sure, because we don't know how I'll feel.  My husband thinks I won't be up to, but I think I'll be fine.  If we go up there, I won't have to cook.  My in-laws will take care of my dog. All I need to be able to do is walk, which should be able to do, even if it's slowly.  I may just have to take an hour to walk to a meal, instead of 10 minutes, but I'll take that.  It would be nice little getaway for us, and this may be our only chance.  My brother is coming in august, and hub's will not have a lot of vacation time left, so the days he takes off will be like a  Friday and/or Monday with a weekend in between to utilize the time well.  I'm looking forward to my brother coming.  I only see him about once a year (which is more than my other two, which is never) and the last time I saw his kids he only had the oldest twins, who were about 14 months, and didn't have his youngest girl.  He will also be bringing his girlfriend, who I only had a short meal with once, so I'm looking forward to getting to know the girl who has helped him to love again after the lies and hurt his ex-wife put him through.

I've been busy in this yuck heat trying to get everything ready.  My meals has been pretty easy.  When I cook dinner, I know just double everything, and easy have leftovers to freeze.  As I dish them up to be frozen, I write out the directions for cooking and put them on the dish for easy reference.  It should be fool proof (knock on wood!)  Now that my pre-op is not too far away I've started to get a little jittery feeling.  I just need to keep distracting myself.  The date is set!

Different # 4

This was a long weekend.  My sis-in-law got married!  We had to run around and decorate and celebrate.  It was a beautiful wedding and I'm honored to have been apart of it.  I was actually looking forward to the weekend.  I had stopped bleeding and I just love weddings.  They make me giddy!

Friday we spent the day setting up the hall.  It looked fabulous!  Sadly by that evening for the rehearsal I had already started bleeding and cramping again.  I still managed to smile and have fun.  I really did enjoy the wedding, but sadly it was also shadowed by my bleeding and pain.  I tried to ignore it since I knew I had to go to the doctor on Monday.  It kind of worked.  Here's a look at my weekend!

The tall clear center pieces had flowers added on the day of the wedding as you can see below

Monday was my doctor appointment and I was really starting to get nervous.  My cramping keeps getting worse, and a new bruise like feeling on my ovaries has started.  I just don't want to face what it means, and I also just didn't want to face the reality that we may never get another chance to try for a biological child.  I'm just not sure how to be okay with never getting to have one.  

I had a good conversation with Dr. S.  He explained that at this point we have been able to work out my bad quality egg and lack of ovulation problems.  We've managed to find a way to get pregnant, but my hostile uterus has been unable to handle it.  It flips out and kills off whatever is in there.  It was a bit hard to hear that  if it my uterus just rejected this baby for no good reason.  It was perfectly healthy.  From all the test I should have been able to deliver a perfectly healthy baby.

After this was discussed he went on to say he was at a loss of what to do, but I cut him off and explained not only when I've become pregnant, but all the time, my bleeding has become more and my pain from my endo is worse.  I feel worse than I did before my last surgery.  I had at first always kind of said that next time I have a surgery I will just do a hysterectomy, but wasn't sure I really want that now.  Dr. S said that he also thought this time it was a good idea to pursue another lap.  He want to remove all my adhesion and scar tissue and give it one more try with a freshly cleaned out uterus.  He said that he can't promise cleaning me out will fix anything, but he will be able to take a better look at my uterus and to see just how much damage has been done to it.  That way we know if we have a chance.  

He is concerned about time, and didn't want to waste anytime setting up my surgery.  I would probably be going in next week for it, but he has a vacation planned, so  he is going to plan it at the hospitals first opening after he gets back, which puts us the week of July 23.  I'm not sure of the exact date yet, but should be getting a call within the next few days, once the nurses and staff have worked out the insurance and booking the hospital.  

I feel good about this choice.  I'm scared too much time is still going to pass and we are going to miss our chance, but at least I'll be feeling a bit better.  I feel good that Dr. S was 100% on board with this choice as well and that he plans a minimum of a four hour surgery because he wants to spend a lot of time looking around and doesn't want to miss anything.  Once we get the date set up, we will have to discuss a lot of things, like giving permission to remove a tube or ovary if needed, or even worse a hysterectomy.  I know when we get to that part my nerves will set in.  For now I wait and find peace in knowing that we are choosing the best option for us.

I met with a dear friend on Monday who is dealing with some pretty intense issues in her marriage.  I feel so badly for her, but I do have to say, it has made me appreciate my husband that much more.  I've really been struggling accepting how God can ever use what we have been through for good, and I still am, but I do have to say that through all this my husband and I have drawn closer.  I hate that my friend is dealing with facing a reality that she is in a loveless marriage, but I have awoken to the fact that despite out situation and our losses we have each other.  I know it's sappy, but it's true.  I have fallen in love all over again, and I know that we will always pull through whatever life throws at us together.  

Beta is 2

Today's blood test came in, and beta is at 2.  This is a good thing.  It means my mtx. shot has done it's job,or my body has, or whatever the hell it was, it's done.  I'm no longer pregnant is what it means.  It means that baby number 4 is no longer with me.

It means that my slowed bleeding should end soon.  It means that now I can grieve for the lost child.  I've been feeling so strange with this loss.  It's been hard to process it.  It never felt real.  I barely had a moment to enjoy being pregnant.  From day one things looked like they were falling apart.  I couldn't allow myself a moment of grief because I had to take care of myself physically.  Thanks to my blood loss and the mtx. shot, I still feel shitty.  I'm dizzy, I'm nauseated, and I"m in pain.  The danger is gone.

The danger is gone; meaning, I'm allowed to feel for the loss.  When I received that call, I was hoping to hear that my beta had dropped significantly.  I was hoping for it, but I had not braced myself for it.  It was amazing how quickly that pain and sorrow entered my heart at those words.  The tears have not stopped falling since that call, yet I feel better than I have in days.  I needed closure.  I needed to feel this loss, I needed to grieve.

It's in my grief that I'm reminded of how amazing my husband is.  It's in my grief that I remember I do have a God that loves me.  I don't know how, but I do know I'll be okay because of those two facts.  I'm broken.  I'm angry.  I'm hurting.  I'm incomplete, but I'll be okay.  It's been a long time since I have felt this way.  I can't say I believe that I will ever get to hold a child in my womb and my arms, but I'll be okay.  

Bloody Monday

Things have sure not gone as planned this loss, not that a loss is ever planned.  My bleeding became really bad on Monday.  I called up Dr. S and was told to go straight to the hospital.  They tested my blood and did an ultrasound.  My uterus was full of blood. Then my beta came back and showed barely any drop.  This was scary, it meant so many possibilities and another ectopic.  I was also showing very low iron from blood loss and borderline severely dehydrated.

I was hooked to IV and told I must stay overnight.  Thanks to a low white blood count and my history I was not allowed any visitors, including my husband for fear of infection.  The next day my levels were tested again.  They wanted to get my iron and electrolytes back up before testing my beta again.  They wanted by blood to be better to give a more accurate beta result.  They decided blood level was good and took my beta, which was still hovering in the same area.  This meant they were almost positive it was an ectopic.  My bleeding had decreased and so I was given the shot of mtx and sent home to let the rest of this nightmare play out.

Just as we were pulling up in front of our home I got a phone call, apparently Dr. S had ordered the hospital to do another u/s and to take a tissue sample.  He wanted to know if I was losing pregnancy tissue, or if it was endo/adeno tissue.  I was suppose to have this before my shot.  He wanted to know where it was and he wanted to know if my bleeding truly was less.  The ultrasound sound showed significant amount of blood in my uterus. Which means the bloating was not lingering effects of OHSS, but from too much blood.  While waiting on tissue testing Dr. S ordered a MVA.  My dr. is two hours away, and what I didn't know was that he was on his way to my hospital.  When I walked into the room for my procedure I was so surprised to see him there.  It was a small bit of joy in this dark time.  He was concerned about all the blood and wanted to see for himself what was going on after it was cleaned out.

I was not looking forward to this MVA, Dr. S was even nervous, he couldn't hid it.  Every time I've had a D&C or MVA it's agitated my adeno and caused it to burrow even deeper into my uterus walls.  It was so painful, and hurt so badly.  It was like my whole body wanted to fight this procedure. It felt like my whole body was being sucked up.  My head started pounding, my feet even being to tighten, but in a matter of seconds it was over.  Then the ultrasound to show what had happened.  My uterus still had a lot of blood, but not dangerous levels, and my Dr watched it to see if I was adding more rapidly.  It seemed to be doing better, so I was allowed to dress.

During this time my results from my tissue samples were done.  There was still some pregnancy tissue in there.  Dr sent me home though, he felt safe that we had gotten all we could for now without making things worse.  He's pretty positive that my ectopic had embedded into my uterus walls, but that the shot and the MVA would be enough to clear it out.

I took another beta today, but today's results may still be weird.  I'll do at least one more and if the numbers are falling we can assume it's finally ending.  Dr. S was explaining everything to me, from the ectopic, to the massive bleeding from adeno tearing up my uterus.  I stopped him and asked him if this was all just a dream, it sounded unreal.  He gave that sympathetic smile and patted my back and told me it would be over soon, we can talk more than.

Now I'm home, resting and unsure of what to feel.  I'm just hoping, when hope seems impossible, that it's finally all done.