Recovery was a long and painful process this time, problems with my mother-in-law didn't help. My husband we relying on her while he was away and she bailed and I was left to fend for myself. There was so much to process during this time, physically and emotionally. I had beat cancer and I was facing the reality of that, but also so grateful that those painful swollen ovary times would be finally done. Maybe it was possible to move on and dream about the possibility of being a homeowner and a mother through adoption.
As I recovered the weather warmed up and we hit spring time. I even managed to get outside a few times to shoot some fun pictures of the blossom's on my in-law's Almond trees. With spring come pollen and with pollen come allergies.
I won't take a lot of time or space filling up on this allergy time because I'm still healing from it and I'm still trying to process. My allergies got horrible and I ended up with a sinus infection and a lung infection which causes such bad coughing that I broke a rib. I ended up in the hospital with my O2 extremely low, my iron low and my glucose dangerously low. My heart rate and dropped significantly and I was on death's door. I can't even remember the trip to the ER and my husband tells me that I was taken back and started being treated before he even had me checked in and paperwork filled out.
I'm home now and recovering and other than being sore from my broken rib and still having sinus issues I'm doing much better. I'm afraid to hope I'm getting better. I'm afraid to leave my house and attempt to be normal. I suppose I have good reason because despite having my cancer gone my one remaining ovary is still having issues. This lead to blood work and testing again.
My hormones were way off, but my test results showed it was possible I might have ovulated and so begin a 2ww that I hadn't planned on. When my period was a day "late" I didn't think much of it, but after 4 days I decided it was time to POAS which was a BFN. No surprise really. Then 2 more days passed and I decided to test again, maybe it was still early, no surprise there, another BFN. When the end of the day arrived and still no sign of AF I begin to question the tests and hope that maybe they were just wrong, after all my HCG are never as high as they should be thanks for my messed up body. I decided to wait it out, but the next day my AF showed with a vengeance and I was devastated. Though I didn't know why I was. I felt nothing when my test were negative, but when AF showed I was broken.
To top it off my SIL decided it was time to invite me to her 3D ultrasound. I'm still waiting on responding to her message. I will decline I'm just dragging my feet about what reason to give her. I would tell her the truth, but I fear it won't be cared about and will only cause me more pain the next time her and my MIL forget about me.
All I know is I'm afraid of my body failing, I'm afraid I'll live a childless life forever, and I'm afraid my children will always be forgotten. I appreciate all the support I've had from my twitter family, but now that I'm healing they just like to remind me how strong I am and how happy they are that I'm okay, but the truth is...
I'M NOT OKAY!
Dealing with Endometriosis, PCOS, Adenomyosis, low ovarian reserve, and a hostile uterus. Struggling to maintain a normal life while taking this journey. Putting my trust in God and hoping my writing can help others in similar positions.
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
I have Cancer
Home after a long ordeal of having an ovary removed, infected, and finding out I have cancer. I was weak, sore, and sleeping away as much time as I could. It felt like I would never again be normal. I had scheduled testing, we needed to find out if this cancer was gone or if we still had a long journey. My husband would come home each day from work, bringing me dinner and hounding me to not overexert myself. He tried to make himself sound upbeat and usually in a teasing matter, but the worry on his face and in his voice were undisguisable.
I spent as much time as I could sleeping trying to pass the time until I would find out my fate. Was I about to endure a long battle of cancer or was I going to be able to heal from this surgery and move forward with finding a normal?
Test day arrived and it was long and tiring. I was poked like crazy, by body scanned and over all turned into a lab rat. Now I had to wait. With every phone call my heart beating fast wondering if this was the call. My husband came home with a questioning look on his face, and without saying a word he knew the call had not come, and so our routine of dinner and tv would begin in hopes of making time pass quickly, in hopes of keeping out mind quiet, in hopes of forget that we were waiting to find out what was our future.
"You are cancer free my dear!" the only words I really remember in the long explanation that my doctor gave me in his phone call from his personal phone. It was over, I had beat cancer it didn't seem fair almost that it had disappeared so easily for me while it's stolen so many lives, but it was over I was going to be okay. When my husband walked through the door that evening I felt as though my heart would burst through my chest. I didn't realize how much he had aged during this time, but the man I saw come through that door was a young and happy man! The worry lines had disappeared and his eyes shone and sparkled.
My husband was able to leave for his work turn relaxed and not worried about me. His parents had agreed to help out with the dog and with getting me food and he filled our fridge with easy to eat foods that would help keep my iron levels up since they were so low from the amount of blood I had lost. If only he knew that with in a few short days I would be mostly on my own and even have to drive out to get more pain meds because of a MIL who really didn't mean she was willing to help out.
As I begin to feel a little better and gain a bit more energy the date of my mother's passing was approaching and it wasn't lost on me the irony that the anniversary of my mother losing her battle to brain tumor was shortly after I had just found out I beat it. I took that day to remember my amazing mother and to appreciate that I was coming out on the other end. Spring was approaching and it was time for new beginnings, and of course allergies, but that will come in the next post...
I spent as much time as I could sleeping trying to pass the time until I would find out my fate. Was I about to endure a long battle of cancer or was I going to be able to heal from this surgery and move forward with finding a normal?
Test day arrived and it was long and tiring. I was poked like crazy, by body scanned and over all turned into a lab rat. Now I had to wait. With every phone call my heart beating fast wondering if this was the call. My husband came home with a questioning look on his face, and without saying a word he knew the call had not come, and so our routine of dinner and tv would begin in hopes of making time pass quickly, in hopes of keeping out mind quiet, in hopes of forget that we were waiting to find out what was our future.
"You are cancer free my dear!" the only words I really remember in the long explanation that my doctor gave me in his phone call from his personal phone. It was over, I had beat cancer it didn't seem fair almost that it had disappeared so easily for me while it's stolen so many lives, but it was over I was going to be okay. When my husband walked through the door that evening I felt as though my heart would burst through my chest. I didn't realize how much he had aged during this time, but the man I saw come through that door was a young and happy man! The worry lines had disappeared and his eyes shone and sparkled.
My husband was able to leave for his work turn relaxed and not worried about me. His parents had agreed to help out with the dog and with getting me food and he filled our fridge with easy to eat foods that would help keep my iron levels up since they were so low from the amount of blood I had lost. If only he knew that with in a few short days I would be mostly on my own and even have to drive out to get more pain meds because of a MIL who really didn't mean she was willing to help out.
As I begin to feel a little better and gain a bit more energy the date of my mother's passing was approaching and it wasn't lost on me the irony that the anniversary of my mother losing her battle to brain tumor was shortly after I had just found out I beat it. I took that day to remember my amazing mother and to appreciate that I was coming out on the other end. Spring was approaching and it was time for new beginnings, and of course allergies, but that will come in the next post...
Monday, April 8, 2013
Released and Rushed Back
"I'm cleared to go, we are going!" I demand weakly to my husband after my doctor had cleared me to be discharged and to head up into the mountains for the weekend. I was under strict resting guidelines but I was allowed to go. I finally convinced my husband.
The weekend went on like normal, I was tired and rested most of the time with some small easing walks. I didn't realize it and thought maybe my medicines were making me feel unwell, but suddenly my incision was bulging and puss was oozing out of the stitches. We called my doctor and made our way back to the hospital.
Infection, I have an infection. "We need to reopen your incision and drain it." When I woke up again all I cared about was seeing my husband. I almost lost it when I saw him. Sitting in the chair next to my bed, one hand resting on top of mine, his head buried into his other hand. I squeezed his hand to try to communicate that I was okay. He looked up, his eyes searching mine for any sign that we might be finally done with this mess. "Get some sleep, you'll be staying overnight, no arguing" As I drifted back to sleep my only thought was I'm too tired to argue."
"We got the results back." My doctor said to us, his eyes telling much more than he was saying. "It was cancer. The good news is that we took a piece of your right ovary to test and it was clean." Left alone to process the news. I was afraid to look at my husband. Afraid that seeing his sad and worried eyes would make me fall apart. All he did was lift my hand to lips and planted a kiss. He kept my hand there for several seconds w/ his eyes closed before he gently pulled me into his arm (as best he could since I was hooked into an IV and monitors). "It's over"
After being on a strong antibiotic and IV fluids and my fever going down I was allowed to go home. As my husband helped me to bed and kissed me goodnight he said in a soft sad voice "Please be home for good." And we both drifted off into a long deep slumber hand in hand and begin our journey to recover from this mess.
The weekend went on like normal, I was tired and rested most of the time with some small easing walks. I didn't realize it and thought maybe my medicines were making me feel unwell, but suddenly my incision was bulging and puss was oozing out of the stitches. We called my doctor and made our way back to the hospital.
Infection, I have an infection. "We need to reopen your incision and drain it." When I woke up again all I cared about was seeing my husband. I almost lost it when I saw him. Sitting in the chair next to my bed, one hand resting on top of mine, his head buried into his other hand. I squeezed his hand to try to communicate that I was okay. He looked up, his eyes searching mine for any sign that we might be finally done with this mess. "Get some sleep, you'll be staying overnight, no arguing" As I drifted back to sleep my only thought was I'm too tired to argue."
"We got the results back." My doctor said to us, his eyes telling much more than he was saying. "It was cancer. The good news is that we took a piece of your right ovary to test and it was clean." Left alone to process the news. I was afraid to look at my husband. Afraid that seeing his sad and worried eyes would make me fall apart. All he did was lift my hand to lips and planted a kiss. He kept my hand there for several seconds w/ his eyes closed before he gently pulled me into his arm (as best he could since I was hooked into an IV and monitors). "It's over"
After being on a strong antibiotic and IV fluids and my fever going down I was allowed to go home. As my husband helped me to bed and kissed me goodnight he said in a soft sad voice "Please be home for good." And we both drifted off into a long deep slumber hand in hand and begin our journey to recover from this mess.
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Rushing Into Surgery
That night in the hospital was a horrible night. I felt like the longest night of my life and at the same time it all passed so quickly and can barely remember a thing. I remember having so much pain and pressure on my stomach, I remember seeing a huge bulging mass sticking out of my already massively fat stomach (thanks for nothing fertility meds!). I was throwing up every hour it seemed, though I honestly don't know how I could have managed to have anything left to lose. I was miserable. Finally after a late night/early morning draining, mix of morphine and anti-nausea meds I was able to get a little bit of sleep.
"Yes, you have my permission, take out whatever you need to keep her okay!" I could hear in his voice a fear that I've never heard before. I could hear the tears that he rarely ever cries. In our entire relationship my dear husband has only cried twice and I've only seen it once. Once was when we were dating and I had a bad pain day and he literally carried me into my house. The next day he told me he felt so helpless and on his walk home, in the darkness of the night in the mountains he dropped to his knees and cried out for a way to take this pain away. Since this day he has told me that seeing me rushed off for emergency surgery was 100 times worse than that night.
I was awake enough to hear this conversation. I remember willing myself to reach out and touch his hand, if I could just hold his hand for a second I know everything would be okay. My body failed to obey, it just wouldn't move, wouldn't respond, no matter how hard I tried it wouldn't work and my world begin to fade into darkness.
When I woke up again I was confused. I looked around at surroundings trying to figure out what was going on, willing myself to think back to my last memory. That's when I remember my husband's voice. I let out a gasp feeling frantic to find my love when a nurse appeared at my side and calmly explained I had been rushed into surgery. She took my vitals and begin the transition into my room while reassuring me that I would see my husband soon.
"They had to remove your left ovary and took part of your right. I'm so sorry babe, I had to let them." I gave him a small smile, reached for his hand "I love you, lets focus on that." So we sat (well I laid), hand in hand until I drifted off to sleep, content that for now we were still together and we were both okay.
"Yes, you have my permission, take out whatever you need to keep her okay!" I could hear in his voice a fear that I've never heard before. I could hear the tears that he rarely ever cries. In our entire relationship my dear husband has only cried twice and I've only seen it once. Once was when we were dating and I had a bad pain day and he literally carried me into my house. The next day he told me he felt so helpless and on his walk home, in the darkness of the night in the mountains he dropped to his knees and cried out for a way to take this pain away. Since this day he has told me that seeing me rushed off for emergency surgery was 100 times worse than that night.
I was awake enough to hear this conversation. I remember willing myself to reach out and touch his hand, if I could just hold his hand for a second I know everything would be okay. My body failed to obey, it just wouldn't move, wouldn't respond, no matter how hard I tried it wouldn't work and my world begin to fade into darkness.
When I woke up again I was confused. I looked around at surroundings trying to figure out what was going on, willing myself to think back to my last memory. That's when I remember my husband's voice. I let out a gasp feeling frantic to find my love when a nurse appeared at my side and calmly explained I had been rushed into surgery. She took my vitals and begin the transition into my room while reassuring me that I would see my husband soon.
"They had to remove your left ovary and took part of your right. I'm so sorry babe, I had to let them." I gave him a small smile, reached for his hand "I love you, lets focus on that." So we sat (well I laid), hand in hand until I drifted off to sleep, content that for now we were still together and we were both okay.
Friday, April 5, 2013
Being Admitted
What to write? That is my problem. How do I put into words the events of this past month? I'm not even sure my brain has had the ability to fully process what all happened.
It started off like any other day. I was taking a shower at the end of the day, feeling grateful that I had managed to walk my dog and clean the house. I was starting to feel that maybe I could recover from everything. That's when I noticed that my scar from my tubal removal was bulged out and sore to touch, like a dull achy bruised feeling, but there was no bruising. I thought it was odd, but didn't think to much about it.
As I lay trying to sleep I was noticing more and more the pain I was developing on my side, by morning my slightly bulged area was now a golf ball sticking out of my fat gut. I called my dr and came in to be seen. If you remember, I've been fighting with enlarged ovaries and had been going to have them drained every other month or so.
The appointment started out like all the rest, laying on that cold bed with the tech's eyes bulging at my now softball sized ovary. As he started moving the wand around to get measurements he noticed something odd where my tube should be (of course the tube is long gone) so he pulled Mr. Wandy over to get a better look. "oh that's not suppose to be there." This was not comforting to hear as the tech explained that I had a bunch of lose fluid floating around while he picked up the phone to page the doctor to come in.
The rest of it was a blur, but in no time at all I was admitted into the hospital and I suppose I must have called my husband since he was sitting in the chair next to my husband. The doctor came in to explain what was going one. I had had blood testing upon being admitted and my hormone levels were way off. My estrogen had been floating around 700-800 in my last few test, but it was now 989 and progesterone was 2. I also had an elevated hcg, but it was very very low. Not even enough to be pregnant, and I knew it wasn't even possible to have been. It was just one more random number that made no sense. My ca-125 had been tested a few days before and it was also elevated at 47 normal is <35. I had my fluid drained (boy was I tired of having a needle stuck into me). I needed to stay for now because my reproductive organs were filling with fluid so quickly it was hard to keep up. It was decided that if I was still having issues the next day I was going to have to go in for surgery to at least take a biopsy of my ovary. We needed to get to the bottom of what was going on.
The rest will come later. Sorry for the split post, it's the only way I'll be able to write this out.
It started off like any other day. I was taking a shower at the end of the day, feeling grateful that I had managed to walk my dog and clean the house. I was starting to feel that maybe I could recover from everything. That's when I noticed that my scar from my tubal removal was bulged out and sore to touch, like a dull achy bruised feeling, but there was no bruising. I thought it was odd, but didn't think to much about it.
As I lay trying to sleep I was noticing more and more the pain I was developing on my side, by morning my slightly bulged area was now a golf ball sticking out of my fat gut. I called my dr and came in to be seen. If you remember, I've been fighting with enlarged ovaries and had been going to have them drained every other month or so.
The appointment started out like all the rest, laying on that cold bed with the tech's eyes bulging at my now softball sized ovary. As he started moving the wand around to get measurements he noticed something odd where my tube should be (of course the tube is long gone) so he pulled Mr. Wandy over to get a better look. "oh that's not suppose to be there." This was not comforting to hear as the tech explained that I had a bunch of lose fluid floating around while he picked up the phone to page the doctor to come in.
The rest of it was a blur, but in no time at all I was admitted into the hospital and I suppose I must have called my husband since he was sitting in the chair next to my husband. The doctor came in to explain what was going one. I had had blood testing upon being admitted and my hormone levels were way off. My estrogen had been floating around 700-800 in my last few test, but it was now 989 and progesterone was 2. I also had an elevated hcg, but it was very very low. Not even enough to be pregnant, and I knew it wasn't even possible to have been. It was just one more random number that made no sense. My ca-125 had been tested a few days before and it was also elevated at 47 normal is <35. I had my fluid drained (boy was I tired of having a needle stuck into me). I needed to stay for now because my reproductive organs were filling with fluid so quickly it was hard to keep up. It was decided that if I was still having issues the next day I was going to have to go in for surgery to at least take a biopsy of my ovary. We needed to get to the bottom of what was going on.
The rest will come later. Sorry for the split post, it's the only way I'll be able to write this out.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Surrounded Yet Alone
Things have been so busy lately. I've been busy visiting with family and friends. I've been helping my brother (via FaceTime) sort out my aunt's belongings, yet I feel alone. I come home after a long day and I feel my heart is bursting. I've got friends going out of their way to avoid asking how I am or doing/saying anything that will trigger my feeling. It's not because they want to spare my feelings though I've learned it's because they can't deal with it and it makes them uncomfortable. Family doesn't bother considering our feelings at all. It's not even avoiding issues that may trigger sadness, it's not caring if those issues do. It's feeling like they have completely forgotten about the the losses and struggle with infertility that we agonized over sharing with them.
For awhile I was letting these things make me believe that I was failing. I was failing at moving on, I was taking too long to grieve, I was the problem. Then I realized that back in Sept. we decided to share with our closest friends and family that after losing our 5 & 6 children we had reached the end of the journey of trying to bring home a biological child. Family we talked in person, and for close friends we composed a letter because we decided we didn't want to sit through that conversation multiple times. Only 1 of those friends took time to respond at all (I'm very thankful for that friend). Nobody else bothered to say anything, and has worked hard to never have to face this. The first time we visited with any of them after sending out this letter there was always tension, like they were holding their breaths hoping we wouldn't bring it up. It wasn't that I was taking to long to grieve, it was that I was never allowed to.
In September not only did we decide to stop TTC, we also lost 2 more babies and I was rushed into ER surgery with my life hanging in the balance and my husband stuck on a plane worried he wasn't going to make it in time to see me alive again. Without having to make the choice to stop trying for this was a terrible time for us, yet we also had to add making the hardest decision we've ever had to make. All I feel from my family and so called friends is that I'm not allowed to feel sad about any of it and I'm just suppose to forget it and move on.
I'm good at doing this normally, at least on the outside and I've always had a ton of help because of my wonderful twitter family I've come to love and cherish, but sadly even there I'm struggling. I'm being left behind by everyone. We are the odd one even for the odd ones. We are the small percentage of couples who deal with infertility and we are the small percentage of couples who have had so losses, and we are a small percentage of infertile couples that have not had success with the help of the medical world. We are the small percent who stop TTC without having been able to bring home a child. I sign on to twitter and it's full of women going through treatments or women who have finally been able to have that wonderful miracle. Don't get me wrong, I'm so so happy for them, but suddenly my safe haven is full of mommy tweets. It's warms my heart, and while I was TTC it was a huge encouragement a reminder of what I was working hard for, but now? I just don't know. I'm being left behind. We are not trying and we have no child. I just don't fit in.
So you see, I'm surrounded by family, friends, and an amazing twitter community, but I'm completely alone. I remember when I was single I felt lonely and always thought I can't wait to married, I'll never be alone again. This is so true. I'm never alone, and he's always there: cuddling, listening, and loving me. As hard as he tries though, it's different for us. Our needs are different and for him as sad as he is that we lost children and can't have any biological ones, he is happy because I'm alive and my life is no longer being put in danger. He is now only focused on our current issues and goals, which take up much of his off time. Saving for a house so we can save up for adoption, and making sure I'm okay while I deal with all these test and problems that keep coming back to cancer scares. In my mind all these health problems make me feel terrified that it's one more thing making me unfit to be a mother and pushing adoption away as a possibility. For my husband he just wants me better and the rest will fall in place. He's so good about not worrying about the future and just focusing on the now.
So yes, I am surrounded by people who care, but I'm completely alone and being left behind in all areas of life. Friends plan outings behind my back because I'm the childless one who has nothing in common with them anymore. Friends and family alike take my photography as a joke half the time, loving my work when I do it for free, but running to Sears when I say this is my job/business and I can't keep giving away freebies. I've become this useless object because I don't have kids and there is no longer hope I'll bring any home. My in-law's have written me off and blame me for not providing my husband a child, even though he's made it clear it was a choice we made together and he more than me wanted to stop being worried about losing his wife. Now that my sis-in-law is pregnant I no longer matter at all. The first grand baby is all that matters, and our children are lost and forgotten as if they never existed and that is the worse pain of them all.
Isaiah James, Faith Lynn, Rory Tatum, Hayden Avery, Pearl Linda, and Eli Christian you are not forgotten.
For awhile I was letting these things make me believe that I was failing. I was failing at moving on, I was taking too long to grieve, I was the problem. Then I realized that back in Sept. we decided to share with our closest friends and family that after losing our 5 & 6 children we had reached the end of the journey of trying to bring home a biological child. Family we talked in person, and for close friends we composed a letter because we decided we didn't want to sit through that conversation multiple times. Only 1 of those friends took time to respond at all (I'm very thankful for that friend). Nobody else bothered to say anything, and has worked hard to never have to face this. The first time we visited with any of them after sending out this letter there was always tension, like they were holding their breaths hoping we wouldn't bring it up. It wasn't that I was taking to long to grieve, it was that I was never allowed to.
In September not only did we decide to stop TTC, we also lost 2 more babies and I was rushed into ER surgery with my life hanging in the balance and my husband stuck on a plane worried he wasn't going to make it in time to see me alive again. Without having to make the choice to stop trying for this was a terrible time for us, yet we also had to add making the hardest decision we've ever had to make. All I feel from my family and so called friends is that I'm not allowed to feel sad about any of it and I'm just suppose to forget it and move on.
I'm good at doing this normally, at least on the outside and I've always had a ton of help because of my wonderful twitter family I've come to love and cherish, but sadly even there I'm struggling. I'm being left behind by everyone. We are the odd one even for the odd ones. We are the small percentage of couples who deal with infertility and we are the small percentage of couples who have had so losses, and we are a small percentage of infertile couples that have not had success with the help of the medical world. We are the small percent who stop TTC without having been able to bring home a child. I sign on to twitter and it's full of women going through treatments or women who have finally been able to have that wonderful miracle. Don't get me wrong, I'm so so happy for them, but suddenly my safe haven is full of mommy tweets. It's warms my heart, and while I was TTC it was a huge encouragement a reminder of what I was working hard for, but now? I just don't know. I'm being left behind. We are not trying and we have no child. I just don't fit in.
So you see, I'm surrounded by family, friends, and an amazing twitter community, but I'm completely alone. I remember when I was single I felt lonely and always thought I can't wait to married, I'll never be alone again. This is so true. I'm never alone, and he's always there: cuddling, listening, and loving me. As hard as he tries though, it's different for us. Our needs are different and for him as sad as he is that we lost children and can't have any biological ones, he is happy because I'm alive and my life is no longer being put in danger. He is now only focused on our current issues and goals, which take up much of his off time. Saving for a house so we can save up for adoption, and making sure I'm okay while I deal with all these test and problems that keep coming back to cancer scares. In my mind all these health problems make me feel terrified that it's one more thing making me unfit to be a mother and pushing adoption away as a possibility. For my husband he just wants me better and the rest will fall in place. He's so good about not worrying about the future and just focusing on the now.
So yes, I am surrounded by people who care, but I'm completely alone and being left behind in all areas of life. Friends plan outings behind my back because I'm the childless one who has nothing in common with them anymore. Friends and family alike take my photography as a joke half the time, loving my work when I do it for free, but running to Sears when I say this is my job/business and I can't keep giving away freebies. I've become this useless object because I don't have kids and there is no longer hope I'll bring any home. My in-law's have written me off and blame me for not providing my husband a child, even though he's made it clear it was a choice we made together and he more than me wanted to stop being worried about losing his wife. Now that my sis-in-law is pregnant I no longer matter at all. The first grand baby is all that matters, and our children are lost and forgotten as if they never existed and that is the worse pain of them all.
Isaiah James, Faith Lynn, Rory Tatum, Hayden Avery, Pearl Linda, and Eli Christian you are not forgotten.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
New Year
The new year has come and gone and I'm still stuck not knowing where I belong. I'm no longer TTC, I'm childless, and my body is failing apart so I rarely get to socialize. I'm stuck being around pregnant women; my friends, my family, everywhere. I struggle with wanting to stay away, but also not wanting IF to make me also lose my life and my friends. It's taken so much from me.
I managed to make it through the gender reveal ultrasound for my sister-in-law. I have to admit though it's getting harder and harder to be around them. I'm trying not to let it get me down, but it is. I'm stuck in this weird cycle of not wanting to be around them and upset that they can't think of our feeling for just 1 second, and then the next minute I'm mad at myself for letting IF take all the joy out of gaining another niece.
My thoughts and feelings have been so all over the place I don't even know what I'm feeling or thinking half the time, which is a huge part of why I haven't even written in so long. For now I just attempt to move on I guess. I'll be seeing my doctor soon and figuring out a game plan to try to control my pain, and hopefully that will help me have a clearer head.
This morning I was woken up by a phone call from my brother that my Aunt passed away. She had no kids and her family had made her an outcast. She was very close with my mother though, they could have passed for twins. My brothers and I were her closest family. My oldest brother and I are trying to get everything squared away. Mostly my brother though since he lives near her. I live 2 states away and I'm still not allowed to travel much, so I'm going to be stuck here.
That's all I have for now. No happy notes to speak of.
I managed to make it through the gender reveal ultrasound for my sister-in-law. I have to admit though it's getting harder and harder to be around them. I'm trying not to let it get me down, but it is. I'm stuck in this weird cycle of not wanting to be around them and upset that they can't think of our feeling for just 1 second, and then the next minute I'm mad at myself for letting IF take all the joy out of gaining another niece.
My thoughts and feelings have been so all over the place I don't even know what I'm feeling or thinking half the time, which is a huge part of why I haven't even written in so long. For now I just attempt to move on I guess. I'll be seeing my doctor soon and figuring out a game plan to try to control my pain, and hopefully that will help me have a clearer head.
This morning I was woken up by a phone call from my brother that my Aunt passed away. She had no kids and her family had made her an outcast. She was very close with my mother though, they could have passed for twins. My brothers and I were her closest family. My oldest brother and I are trying to get everything squared away. Mostly my brother though since he lives near her. I live 2 states away and I'm still not allowed to travel much, so I'm going to be stuck here.
That's all I have for now. No happy notes to speak of.
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