I'm Not Okay

Recovery was a long and painful process this time, problems with my mother-in-law didn't help.  My husband we relying on her while he was away and she bailed and I was left to fend for myself.  There was so much to process during this time, physically and emotionally.  I had beat cancer and I was facing the reality of that, but also so grateful that those painful swollen ovary times would be finally done.  Maybe it was possible to move on and dream about the possibility of being a homeowner and a mother through adoption.

As I recovered the weather warmed up and we hit spring time.  I even managed to get outside a few times to shoot some fun pictures of the blossom's on my in-law's Almond trees.  With spring come pollen and with pollen come allergies.

I won't take a lot of time or space filling up on this allergy time because I'm still healing from it and I'm still trying to process.  My allergies got horrible and I ended up with a sinus infection and a lung infection which causes such bad coughing that I broke a rib.    I ended up in the hospital with my O2 extremely low, my iron low and my glucose dangerously low.  My heart rate and dropped significantly and I was on death's door.  I can't even remember the trip to the ER and my husband tells me that I was taken back and started being treated before he even had me checked in and paperwork filled out.

I'm home now and recovering and other than being sore from my broken rib and still having sinus issues I'm doing much better.  I'm afraid to hope I'm getting better.  I'm afraid to leave my house and attempt to be normal.  I suppose I have good reason because despite having my cancer gone my one remaining ovary is still having issues. This lead to blood work and testing again.

My hormones were way off, but my test results showed it was possible I might have ovulated and so begin a 2ww that I hadn't planned on.  When my  period was a day "late" I didn't think much of it, but after 4 days I decided it was time to POAS which was a BFN.  No surprise really.  Then 2 more days passed and I decided to test again, maybe it was still early, no surprise there, another BFN.  When the end of the day arrived and still no sign of AF I begin to question the tests and hope that maybe they were just wrong, after all my HCG are never as high as they should be thanks for my messed up body.  I decided to wait it out, but the next day my AF showed with a vengeance and I was devastated.  Though I didn't know why I was.  I felt nothing when my test were negative, but when AF showed I was broken.

To top it off my SIL decided it was time to invite me to her 3D ultrasound.  I'm still waiting on responding to her message.  I will decline I'm just dragging my feet about what reason to give her.  I would tell her the truth, but I fear it won't be cared about and will only cause me more pain the next time her and my MIL forget about me.

All I know is I'm afraid of my body failing, I'm afraid I'll live a childless life forever, and I'm afraid my children will always be forgotten.  I appreciate all the support I've had from my twitter family, but now that I'm healing they just like to remind me how strong I am and how happy they are that I'm okay, but the truth is...
I'M NOT OKAY!

Released and Rushed Back

"I'm cleared to go, we are going!" I demand weakly to my husband after my doctor had cleared me to be discharged and to head up into the mountains for the weekend.  I was under strict resting guidelines  but I was allowed to go.  I finally convinced my husband.

The weekend went on like normal, I was tired and rested most of the time with some small easing walks.  I didn't realize it and thought maybe my medicines were making me feel unwell, but suddenly my incision was bulging and puss was oozing out of the stitches.  We called my doctor and made our way back to the hospital.

Infection, I have an infection.  "We need to reopen your incision and drain it." When I woke up again all I cared about was seeing my husband.  I almost lost it when I saw him.  Sitting in the chair next to my bed, one hand resting on top of mine, his head buried into his other hand.  I squeezed his hand to try to communicate that I was okay.  He looked up, his eyes searching mine for any sign that we might be finally done with this mess.  "Get some sleep, you'll be staying overnight, no arguing"  As I drifted back to sleep my only thought was I'm too tired to argue."

"We got the results back." My doctor said to us, his eyes telling much more than he was saying. "It was cancer.  The good news is that we took a piece of your right ovary to test and it was clean." Left alone to process the news.  I was afraid to look at my husband.  Afraid that seeing his sad and worried eyes would make me fall apart.  All he did was lift my hand to lips and planted a kiss.  He kept my hand there for several seconds w/ his eyes closed before he gently pulled me into his arm (as best he could since I was hooked into an IV and monitors).  "It's over" 

After being on a strong antibiotic and IV fluids and my fever going down I was allowed to go home.  As my husband helped me to bed and kissed me goodnight he said in a soft sad voice "Please be home for good."  And we both drifted off into a long deep slumber hand in hand and begin our journey to recover from this mess.