From 40 weeks to Grief

February 21 marks a reminder I wish I could forgot.  I should have been giving birth, or at least completely uncomfortable waiting for labor.  Instead I'm a little over a week from when my last and final beta finally started to go down.  I'm losing another child when I should have been giving birth.  I can't even understand how this is even possible.  I can't understand.

I can't even express myself in this moment.  I feel so lost, broken, and defeated.  I'm still fighting to keep going on.  I didn't even realize I had this song on my phone, but it played today when it was on shuffle.  It's amazing how songs can say everything I can't.  I heard this song today and I broke down.  It's exactly what I'm feeling.  I was going to try to attempt to write out all my feelings today, but this day has defeated me, so I will let the song speak for me.  "Broken" by Lifehouse will now forever be the song for my lost children.

Fighting to Heal

It's all over and I don't know what to do.  I'm struggling to come back into the world.  I keep finding myself pushing away from everything.  I've never had this problem before.  I've had my moments of doubt, and I've had my moments of grieving and hiding away, but I've always been able to to quickly come back.  I just have to remember my amazing husband and that God has a plan, and I'm able to move on, I'm able to grieve, grow, and regain my hope.  I don't know how to do that this time.

I had to choose to end the life of our baby.  I know we had no choice.  The baby was dying and killing me in the process.  I understand all of it, but it doesn't make me feel any better.  I just can't understand how this makes any sense.  All I can think over and over is why?  I wonder as well how to move forward.  I can't seem to understand how to make it to the end of the day, let alone to my WTF appointment.

I can't tolerate being around babies or pregnant women, yet those are the only people we have around us at the moment.  We have a birthday party to attend for a 1 year old on Sunday.  How am I suppose to be able to go, be around all those children and be happy?  I'll work myself up into thinking I'm strong enough to handle it.  As soon as we walk into the house that pain will hit.  It will feel as though I've been punched in the chest.  I'll be unable to breath and my eyes will want to be a geyser.  I'll be surrounded by people and children so I'll take a deep breath and move on as though nothing is wrong.  I'll make myself  numb again.

Then I'll come home where the anger attacks.  I've never had such anger before.  One minute I'm so angry that this had to happen, and then next I have no feelings.  I don't care and I just want to give up on the idea of ever being a mother.  I want to give up on ever giving my husband the child he deserves to have.  Then I pictures his eyes.  The pain hits all over again.  The sadness he feels, I feel.  I'm hurt we can't have a child, I'm hurt my body can't give my husband what he deserves. He would make an amazing father, and I can't give him that.   This cycle seems to be a daily battle.

I've been trying to keep myself busy.  This is difficult though since I'm not suppose to be doing much physically.  I just want life to be normal.  I was chatting with a friend the other day who also struggles with infertility. She got a BFN from an IUI.  I said to her, why can't it just be a simple act of love, a night of romance and desire to bring us that baby?  Why are so many women ending up with accidental babies.  Babies they can't even bother giving up for adoption.  Instead they just end the life of perfectly healthy babies.  How does any of this make sense?

Will it ever make sense?  I don't know what to do.  I know I need to fight to heal, but I just can't seem to find the strength to try.  

Never Got to Hold

It's all finally hit me as reality.  I'm not sure how I'm suppose to overcome all of this.  I've lost 3 babies.  I've put my life at risk.  My last one is finally done.  My last beta came back and my numbers were finally going down.  I've lost my 3rd baby.  This loss is different then my other's, harder almost, yet I've been less emotional.  I think because this was an ectopic, and we had to end it I'm struggling to accept reality.  I know we had no choice, the baby was already dying, and so was I.  It still seems like a nightmare that I can't wake up from.  My last beta came back, and even then I didn't feel the pain, but today the ring I ordered came in.  All of a sudden it felt real.  I have a new ring because I needed to honor 3 children, not 2.  I've lost 3 children that I never got to hold  For now that's as far as I can process.

Anger is all I have for now

I know I'll eventually write a more detailed post about all that has taken place, but at this point I'm unable.  I just wanted to take a moment to thank those who have been so great to us.  Thanks for all the support, love, and prayers.  They mean so much to me, I can't even express into words how nice it is.

My husband had to leave for business last Sunday, after I got home.  It was bad timing, but we knew he needed to go, and it was better to go then instead of waiting a week and leaving.  I'm so glad that we did that, as I really need him around now.  To make sure all was going well with this miscarriage (well...bad use of words) I went back for my beta and found that it was still raising.  We waiting it out for a bit, but my dr. decided we need to do something as I was bleeding too much, and had too much blood filling my uterus.  Thursday I went in for another beta and then had a MVA to find what was causing my bleeding.  My dr. wanted everything cleaned out to get a better look.  My beta was still raising, but too low to be healthy.  The rise of hormones was agitating my endo and adeno growths in my uterus and has caused them to start eating away at my uterus wall.  This was causing all my blood loss.  Once my MVA was done and bleeding slowed enough to not be a worry, I was given Methotrexate and sent home to await the end.

Had another beta test the next day, and my number was still raising.  This wasn't something to worry too much about as it is normal to take a few days, so I was told to come back on Monday.  Saturday night I was hit w/ intense pain, dizziness, and sickness.  I was so miserable, but thankful that finally the end was coming.  Sunday I woke up feeling not too bad, and was in a zone.  We were having a super bowl party so there was no time to grief and think about what had taken place.  In the middle of our super bowl party I started sweating and got extremely ill.  I was taken in to ER and given another blood test, only to find my beta was still raising.  I really wish I could hope and think maybe this is good, but it isn't.  Today I had shot number two.  Now I go back for more beta testing until the number goes down.  I hope that this is it.  I'm so done with all of this.  I now also have a fever so tomorrow I'll be getting that checked out further.  I'm just hoping I have no infection and that my numbers are going down and I can finally move on from this mess.

I'm feeling so confused and so frustrated.  I've been mostly running on auto pilot during this whole ordeal.  It's been worse because my husband was gone all week.  I've had a few moments of being completely angry.  I've wanted to throw things around the house, break things, and yell and scream.  I've talked with a few friends I feel okay with sharing with, and it seems every other word is a swear word of some sort.  If you knew me, you would know I don't go that route.  For the time being, I'm either angry, or I'm numb.  I'm ready to be done with this process so I can move forward, not only physically, but emotionally.

# 3

I am still trying to piece together all that happened this weekend.  I'm in a bit of daze still and when I think of everything it's like I'm watching one of those weird lifetime movies.  I'm feeling angry right now.  I don't think this anger feeling ever hit me in any of my losses before.  I'm numb and I'm angry.  I just don't think that's a good combination.

This week was a long week, as I was on my home stretch to finding out if this cycle had worked.  The OHSS made it all that much worse.  The uncertainty of where my egg had ended up was constantly at the forefront of my mind.  Each day that my pain from OHSS got worse, or at least not better was more reason to hope for the possibility of a BFP.  No pregnancy would mean that my OHSS would be clearing up soon, but a pregnancy would mean that it would actually get worse.  While I was suffering from this pain, I was hoping to get worse.  I wanted with all my heart for this to finally be it.  Tuesday rolled around and everytime I wiped I had blood on the TP, but never spotting or anything more.  I ended the day with hope, could this finally be that implantation bleeding I hear so much about?  Could my body finally be doing something right? The next day the same thing happened, and then on Thursday again.  I was losing hope, it shouldn't be lasting this long.  It was quickly apparent that it had increased and I had enough to be spotting, still not bad though.  I went to bed that night more confused then ever.  My pain kept me tossing and turning until finally I couldn't take it anymore, I sat up out of bed only to violently projectile vomit without any warning.

I then woke in ER being wheeled for an blood test and ER ultrasound.  My ovaries were now as large as softballs and I had a ton of fluid in my uterus.  I had gained 5 pounds in just an hour.  It was time to drain before something worse happened. At this point my blood test was in and my beta was at 11.  What?? I'm pregnant?  Yet before my husband and I even had a chance to process that and be happy it was quickly shot down.  We were informed this was way too low, even for how early our test was.  My bleeding was also something to be concerned about.  I was put on IV of fluids.  I was monitored closely and as my ovaries filled with more fluid they would drain them and hope to keep the fluid out of my uterus until we had another blood test to let us know what to do.  Sunday finally arrived, rather quickly as I was weak and mostly sleeping, and my next beta was here.  It was 19.  I'll admit at this point I was a bit hopeful, it's gone up, that must be good, right?  My number should have been at least 50, so my little 19 was not a good sign.  It was figured at this point since I seem to be miscarrying naturally that I could go home, stay in bed, drink lots of fluid and wait it out.  I'm suppose to still be watching for sudden weight gain, sickness, and or pain because not only do I have the danger of a ruptured sac, but also the dangers that come with the OHSS.

Here I sit at home, angry.  I'm having full on contractions and I'm waiting for the end.  I'm avoiding facing the reality that we have lost another baby.  My anger is at the fact that so many women have to endure this.  It just isn't right in anyway.  

Another Year Older, Still Childless

Well it's officially my birthday now, and it's 2:30 AM and I'm being kept awake by stabbing pains in my ovaries.  Happy birthday to me, huh?  I've never been one to care that much about my birthday.  I usually just want it to be a small simple ordeal without too much attention, but this year I don't want it to come at all.  No, not because I feel old. I'm only 27.  I don't want it to be here because it is another reminder that I still have no child.  I've been a mother, I've had two children, but I have no children.  Happy birthday to me?

Sitting awake at these crazy hours, in this tortuous pain really is so devastating.  Once again, I've put myself in danger just for the chance to have a child I get to carry home.  While waiting out this OHSS to pass I can't help but to finally feel defeated.  I have spent more of my time stuck on bed rest this year than anything else.  Why do I keep pushing when there seems to be no more hope?  If I physically destroy myself to have a child, how is that worth it?I need to be able to be in good enough condition to care for a child, and I can't do that if I keep pushing it beyond it's limits.  My left side has been in so much more pain today then it has during this whole process.  There are so many things this can mean.  I not even sure I want to think about what could happen.  I figure I'll face that reality when I get there.  I'm in pain and sick to my stomach constantly, oh yeah, happy birthday to me, right?

Today a dear friend had her baby girl.  She is a good friend, and usually is so good about having sensitivity to my situation.  The last few months, however, it's been a challenge to be around her, because her focus has been all about the baby.  Don't get me wrong, I understand that.  She was close to giving birth, and so uncomfortable and ready to meet her sweet little one.  She my only friend in my area, and so I've stuck through it and kept my emotions in check until I was home.  I figured if she was still this insensitive and forgetful of our situation after the baby came then we were good enough friends that I was due a heart to heart with her.  She had picked a few friends for her mother to text once the baby was born, and of course being close friends I was on that list.  Today as I was just about to finally doze off to sleep my phone went off, and I get a picture of a beautiful baby girl and all the information about her.  I was in pain and exhausted so I held off my emotions to sleep, and about 30 minutes later a picture came of her all cleaned and wrapped up.  I couldn't take it anymore and I feel apart.

I couldn't figure out why I was so upset.  I've seen a few baby announcements lately and while sad, and even had some tears fall, I didn't fall apart.  While I sitting in bed crying it suddenly hit me.  In the time of trying my friend has given birth to her first, had her husband gone for close to a year for reserves, gotten pregnant and given birth again.  In that time I've only managed to have two miscarriages.  This thought only brought more pain as I realized I would have been giving birth in about a month from now.  Happy Birthday to me?

I have a dear friend who just went through an ectopic and we were texting back and forth earlier and we were sharing our feelings and how others react to ectopic and early miscarriages.  Most just don't even recognize how real that loss is.  They like to think it's too early to be anything yet, but that's not true.  Did you know that in the first 4 weeks of development, even before implantation, the sex, hair and eye color, have all been figured out.  By 6 weeks there is a heartbeat.  Never ever downplay an early loss.  For those short weeks that couple had a baby.   

A Crazy Time

I've been so long overdue in catching up on all that has taken place in the last month.  I find myself at odds.  I started this blog to be upfront and honest about all that I've dealt with and continue to deal with when it comes to my endo and infertility.  I'm finding it a challenge to keep being so open.  A few of you reading this know me personally, and that is why I find being so open hard to do.  I spent so many years not showing anybody the truth of how bad the pain of endometriosis, and I finally overcame that part of myself and shared on here what is really happening.  Then the infertile part of me starts to come out, and I shared my present and my past.  For some reason now as I move forward on this journey I don't want to share anymore.

Most days I find it hard to keep moving forward and I want to just ignore the reality of my life with fertility treatments.  I know a large part is that I also don't want to be asked month after month if it work or not. I know the biggest reason I have for struggling to share is that if a cycle were to actually work and I was to get that BFP, that I would then have to share about the miscarriage.  It's sad that if I ever manage to get a BFP it will be overshadowed by this fear.  It is what holds me back so many times.  I am so frustrated and hurt that for so many of us infertile couples it isn't just about getting pregnant, but staying pregnant.  I have made some pretty amazing friends through twitter who are also going through their own infertile journey.  My heart breaks as much for them as myself.  It is such a high number of women who finally experience that happiness of getting pregnant, only to have it ripped away.  Why is it not enough that we suffer to conceive?

In my last post I mentioned my new specialist.  It was a very good appointment.  It was full of a lot of information.  We made a choice and started a new treatment.  I had to wait until my period showed, which finally made it's appearance on Jan. 2.  I then started injection therapy.  Every morning I started my day off by stabbing myself in the stomach, a week later I went for a scan.  I then continued injections for another half week, and came back for my last scan.  This was a very interesting appointment.

My lining was looked at first, and for the first time ever it was a perfect lining, couldn't ask for anything better!  My right ovary was then checked out, and it had a bunch of follies around a 10-13, but nothing big enough to be mature.  Then the great search for my lefty started.  This was a painful process.  The tech was having challenges.  Suddenly the screen was turned so I could no longer see it, and the tech had a strange look on her face.  She removed the wand and told me to hold on, and left that room.  My heart was pounding, the only other time I've had the tech leave like that is to get the doctor because of miscarriages.  I knew this couldn't be the case, but I had that feeling of dread, like something bad was about to happen.  My new doctor, Dr. M.S. came in and took a look, then he told the tech to go get his partner Dr. S.  He came in and had a look.  I'm almost ready to start panicking at this point.  Wandy was removed again, and I was told to get dress and to step across the hall into the room there and wait.  I could barely manage to button my pants.  I go and I wait, and at least 20 minutes passed before Dr. M.S. came in the room.  He went on to explain to me that my left side had a very good follie.  Okay, so why did it take three of you to find that out?  Unfortunately, your left ovary is covered in endo and has made your left ovary shift quite a bit.  The tech couldn't find my ovary and needed assistance.  He and Dr. S then talked together to see what they could come up with.  The fear now with my ovary moved is that if I manage to ovulate my egg will be unable to make it into my tube.  There is also the chance that if it manages to make it to the tube, that will be such a long and hard journey it will still be unable to make it to my uterus and I could end up with an ectopic (tubal pregnancy).  This comes with it's own risk, not only another lost baby, but could end in a ruptured tube and ER surgery.  Then the last blow to this cycle, I was told I was at high risk of developing OHSS (ovarian hyper-stimulation syndrome).  This comes with a wide range of risks.  It is a positive sign of ovulation, since it can only happen if there is ovulation.  Since there is still a chance egg won't make it into tube, there is also chance that the fluid in my ovaries won't drain properly and could cause a lot of problems, as bad as rupturing  my ovary.  If I ended up with it, I would need to be monitored closely and may need to be drained to prevent the worst.

The day came when it was time to push my trigger shot.  Since we decided after spending so much money and there were so many good things, that we would move forward.  Just a mere 48 hours after my trigger, just about 10 hrs after ovulation, the pain hit and I was overcome with nausea.  I read up on everything.  I rested with limited movement and drank Gatorade.  This was late on Saturday night.   My husband ended up calling the on call doctor at the clinic and took me to ER.  It was confirmed I had OHSS.  I was given IV fluids for a bit, and given strict orders for limited movement, with slow walking around the house, and to drink plenty of fluids, especially those with electrolytes.  My dominant follie is now gone, which means I did ovulate, but who knows where that egg has gone.  For the next two weeks I'm stuck on bed rest w/ limited walking privileges.

My husband and I are really beginning to consider this the last cycle.  It's been two years, two miscarriages, and lots of risk.  Now I'm in so much pain and very sick after spending so much money with no better chance of this working.  How much are we to go through?  We are wondering if this all is really worth it.  For now I just rest and hope the swelling in my ovaries leaves soon.