I know I'll eventually write a more detailed post about all that has taken place, but at this point I'm unable. I just wanted to take a moment to thank those who have been so great to us. Thanks for all the support, love, and prayers. They mean so much to me, I can't even express into words how nice it is.
My husband had to leave for business last Sunday, after I got home. It was bad timing, but we knew he needed to go, and it was better to go then instead of waiting a week and leaving. I'm so glad that we did that, as I really need him around now. To make sure all was going well with this miscarriage (well...bad use of words) I went back for my beta and found that it was still raising. We waiting it out for a bit, but my dr. decided we need to do something as I was bleeding too much, and had too much blood filling my uterus. Thursday I went in for another beta and then had a MVA to find what was causing my bleeding. My dr. wanted everything cleaned out to get a better look. My beta was still raising, but too low to be healthy. The rise of hormones was agitating my endo and adeno growths in my uterus and has caused them to start eating away at my uterus wall. This was causing all my blood loss. Once my MVA was done and bleeding slowed enough to not be a worry, I was given Methotrexate and sent home to await the end.
Had another beta test the next day, and my number was still raising. This wasn't something to worry too much about as it is normal to take a few days, so I was told to come back on Monday. Saturday night I was hit w/ intense pain, dizziness, and sickness. I was so miserable, but thankful that finally the end was coming. Sunday I woke up feeling not too bad, and was in a zone. We were having a super bowl party so there was no time to grief and think about what had taken place. In the middle of our super bowl party I started sweating and got extremely ill. I was taken in to ER and given another blood test, only to find my beta was still raising. I really wish I could hope and think maybe this is good, but it isn't. Today I had shot number two. Now I go back for more beta testing until the number goes down. I hope that this is it. I'm so done with all of this. I now also have a fever so tomorrow I'll be getting that checked out further. I'm just hoping I have no infection and that my numbers are going down and I can finally move on from this mess.
I'm feeling so confused and so frustrated. I've been mostly running on auto pilot during this whole ordeal. It's been worse because my husband was gone all week. I've had a few moments of being completely angry. I've wanted to throw things around the house, break things, and yell and scream. I've talked with a few friends I feel okay with sharing with, and it seems every other word is a swear word of some sort. If you knew me, you would know I don't go that route. For the time being, I'm either angry, or I'm numb. I'm ready to be done with this process so I can move forward, not only physically, but emotionally.
Dealing with Endometriosis, PCOS, Adenomyosis, low ovarian reserve, and a hostile uterus. Struggling to maintain a normal life while taking this journey. Putting my trust in God and hoping my writing can help others in similar positions.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
# 3
I am still trying to piece together all that happened this weekend. I'm in a bit of daze still and when I think of everything it's like I'm watching one of those weird lifetime movies. I'm feeling angry right now. I don't think this anger feeling ever hit me in any of my losses before. I'm numb and I'm angry. I just don't think that's a good combination.
This week was a long week, as I was on my home stretch to finding out if this cycle had worked. The OHSS made it all that much worse. The uncertainty of where my egg had ended up was constantly at the forefront of my mind. Each day that my pain from OHSS got worse, or at least not better was more reason to hope for the possibility of a BFP. No pregnancy would mean that my OHSS would be clearing up soon, but a pregnancy would mean that it would actually get worse. While I was suffering from this pain, I was hoping to get worse. I wanted with all my heart for this to finally be it. Tuesday rolled around and everytime I wiped I had blood on the TP, but never spotting or anything more. I ended the day with hope, could this finally be that implantation bleeding I hear so much about? Could my body finally be doing something right? The next day the same thing happened, and then on Thursday again. I was losing hope, it shouldn't be lasting this long. It was quickly apparent that it had increased and I had enough to be spotting, still not bad though. I went to bed that night more confused then ever. My pain kept me tossing and turning until finally I couldn't take it anymore, I sat up out of bed only to violently projectile vomit without any warning.
I then woke in ER being wheeled for an blood test and ER ultrasound. My ovaries were now as large as softballs and I had a ton of fluid in my uterus. I had gained 5 pounds in just an hour. It was time to drain before something worse happened. At this point my blood test was in and my beta was at 11. What?? I'm pregnant? Yet before my husband and I even had a chance to process that and be happy it was quickly shot down. We were informed this was way too low, even for how early our test was. My bleeding was also something to be concerned about. I was put on IV of fluids. I was monitored closely and as my ovaries filled with more fluid they would drain them and hope to keep the fluid out of my uterus until we had another blood test to let us know what to do. Sunday finally arrived, rather quickly as I was weak and mostly sleeping, and my next beta was here. It was 19. I'll admit at this point I was a bit hopeful, it's gone up, that must be good, right? My number should have been at least 50, so my little 19 was not a good sign. It was figured at this point since I seem to be miscarrying naturally that I could go home, stay in bed, drink lots of fluid and wait it out. I'm suppose to still be watching for sudden weight gain, sickness, and or pain because not only do I have the danger of a ruptured sac, but also the dangers that come with the OHSS.
Here I sit at home, angry. I'm having full on contractions and I'm waiting for the end. I'm avoiding facing the reality that we have lost another baby. My anger is at the fact that so many women have to endure this. It just isn't right in anyway.
This week was a long week, as I was on my home stretch to finding out if this cycle had worked. The OHSS made it all that much worse. The uncertainty of where my egg had ended up was constantly at the forefront of my mind. Each day that my pain from OHSS got worse, or at least not better was more reason to hope for the possibility of a BFP. No pregnancy would mean that my OHSS would be clearing up soon, but a pregnancy would mean that it would actually get worse. While I was suffering from this pain, I was hoping to get worse. I wanted with all my heart for this to finally be it. Tuesday rolled around and everytime I wiped I had blood on the TP, but never spotting or anything more. I ended the day with hope, could this finally be that implantation bleeding I hear so much about? Could my body finally be doing something right? The next day the same thing happened, and then on Thursday again. I was losing hope, it shouldn't be lasting this long. It was quickly apparent that it had increased and I had enough to be spotting, still not bad though. I went to bed that night more confused then ever. My pain kept me tossing and turning until finally I couldn't take it anymore, I sat up out of bed only to violently projectile vomit without any warning.
I then woke in ER being wheeled for an blood test and ER ultrasound. My ovaries were now as large as softballs and I had a ton of fluid in my uterus. I had gained 5 pounds in just an hour. It was time to drain before something worse happened. At this point my blood test was in and my beta was at 11. What?? I'm pregnant? Yet before my husband and I even had a chance to process that and be happy it was quickly shot down. We were informed this was way too low, even for how early our test was. My bleeding was also something to be concerned about. I was put on IV of fluids. I was monitored closely and as my ovaries filled with more fluid they would drain them and hope to keep the fluid out of my uterus until we had another blood test to let us know what to do. Sunday finally arrived, rather quickly as I was weak and mostly sleeping, and my next beta was here. It was 19. I'll admit at this point I was a bit hopeful, it's gone up, that must be good, right? My number should have been at least 50, so my little 19 was not a good sign. It was figured at this point since I seem to be miscarrying naturally that I could go home, stay in bed, drink lots of fluid and wait it out. I'm suppose to still be watching for sudden weight gain, sickness, and or pain because not only do I have the danger of a ruptured sac, but also the dangers that come with the OHSS.
Here I sit at home, angry. I'm having full on contractions and I'm waiting for the end. I'm avoiding facing the reality that we have lost another baby. My anger is at the fact that so many women have to endure this. It just isn't right in anyway.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Another Year Older, Still Childless
Well it's officially my birthday now, and it's 2:30 AM and I'm being kept awake by stabbing pains in my ovaries. Happy birthday to me, huh? I've never been one to care that much about my birthday. I usually just want it to be a small simple ordeal without too much attention, but this year I don't want it to come at all. No, not because I feel old. I'm only 27. I don't want it to be here because it is another reminder that I still have no child. I've been a mother, I've had two children, but I have no children. Happy birthday to me?
Sitting awake at these crazy hours, in this tortuous pain really is so devastating. Once again, I've put myself in danger just for the chance to have a child I get to carry home. While waiting out this OHSS to pass I can't help but to finally feel defeated. I have spent more of my time stuck on bed rest this year than anything else. Why do I keep pushing when there seems to be no more hope? If I physically destroy myself to have a child, how is that worth it?I need to be able to be in good enough condition to care for a child, and I can't do that if I keep pushing it beyond it's limits. My left side has been in so much more pain today then it has during this whole process. There are so many things this can mean. I not even sure I want to think about what could happen. I figure I'll face that reality when I get there. I'm in pain and sick to my stomach constantly, oh yeah, happy birthday to me, right?
Today a dear friend had her baby girl. She is a good friend, and usually is so good about having sensitivity to my situation. The last few months, however, it's been a challenge to be around her, because her focus has been all about the baby. Don't get me wrong, I understand that. She was close to giving birth, and so uncomfortable and ready to meet her sweet little one. She my only friend in my area, and so I've stuck through it and kept my emotions in check until I was home. I figured if she was still this insensitive and forgetful of our situation after the baby came then we were good enough friends that I was due a heart to heart with her. She had picked a few friends for her mother to text once the baby was born, and of course being close friends I was on that list. Today as I was just about to finally doze off to sleep my phone went off, and I get a picture of a beautiful baby girl and all the information about her. I was in pain and exhausted so I held off my emotions to sleep, and about 30 minutes later a picture came of her all cleaned and wrapped up. I couldn't take it anymore and I feel apart.
I couldn't figure out why I was so upset. I've seen a few baby announcements lately and while sad, and even had some tears fall, I didn't fall apart. While I sitting in bed crying it suddenly hit me. In the time of trying my friend has given birth to her first, had her husband gone for close to a year for reserves, gotten pregnant and given birth again. In that time I've only managed to have two miscarriages. This thought only brought more pain as I realized I would have been giving birth in about a month from now. Happy Birthday to me?
I have a dear friend who just went through an ectopic and we were texting back and forth earlier and we were sharing our feelings and how others react to ectopic and early miscarriages. Most just don't even recognize how real that loss is. They like to think it's too early to be anything yet, but that's not true. Did you know that in the first 4 weeks of development, even before implantation, the sex, hair and eye color, have all been figured out. By 6 weeks there is a heartbeat. Never ever downplay an early loss. For those short weeks that couple had a baby.
Sitting awake at these crazy hours, in this tortuous pain really is so devastating. Once again, I've put myself in danger just for the chance to have a child I get to carry home. While waiting out this OHSS to pass I can't help but to finally feel defeated. I have spent more of my time stuck on bed rest this year than anything else. Why do I keep pushing when there seems to be no more hope? If I physically destroy myself to have a child, how is that worth it?I need to be able to be in good enough condition to care for a child, and I can't do that if I keep pushing it beyond it's limits. My left side has been in so much more pain today then it has during this whole process. There are so many things this can mean. I not even sure I want to think about what could happen. I figure I'll face that reality when I get there. I'm in pain and sick to my stomach constantly, oh yeah, happy birthday to me, right?
Today a dear friend had her baby girl. She is a good friend, and usually is so good about having sensitivity to my situation. The last few months, however, it's been a challenge to be around her, because her focus has been all about the baby. Don't get me wrong, I understand that. She was close to giving birth, and so uncomfortable and ready to meet her sweet little one. She my only friend in my area, and so I've stuck through it and kept my emotions in check until I was home. I figured if she was still this insensitive and forgetful of our situation after the baby came then we were good enough friends that I was due a heart to heart with her. She had picked a few friends for her mother to text once the baby was born, and of course being close friends I was on that list. Today as I was just about to finally doze off to sleep my phone went off, and I get a picture of a beautiful baby girl and all the information about her. I was in pain and exhausted so I held off my emotions to sleep, and about 30 minutes later a picture came of her all cleaned and wrapped up. I couldn't take it anymore and I feel apart.
I couldn't figure out why I was so upset. I've seen a few baby announcements lately and while sad, and even had some tears fall, I didn't fall apart. While I sitting in bed crying it suddenly hit me. In the time of trying my friend has given birth to her first, had her husband gone for close to a year for reserves, gotten pregnant and given birth again. In that time I've only managed to have two miscarriages. This thought only brought more pain as I realized I would have been giving birth in about a month from now. Happy Birthday to me?
I have a dear friend who just went through an ectopic and we were texting back and forth earlier and we were sharing our feelings and how others react to ectopic and early miscarriages. Most just don't even recognize how real that loss is. They like to think it's too early to be anything yet, but that's not true. Did you know that in the first 4 weeks of development, even before implantation, the sex, hair and eye color, have all been figured out. By 6 weeks there is a heartbeat. Never ever downplay an early loss. For those short weeks that couple had a baby.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
A Crazy Time
I've been so long overdue in catching up on all that has taken place in the last month. I find myself at odds. I started this blog to be upfront and honest about all that I've dealt with and continue to deal with when it comes to my endo and infertility. I'm finding it a challenge to keep being so open. A few of you reading this know me personally, and that is why I find being so open hard to do. I spent so many years not showing anybody the truth of how bad the pain of endometriosis, and I finally overcame that part of myself and shared on here what is really happening. Then the infertile part of me starts to come out, and I shared my present and my past. For some reason now as I move forward on this journey I don't want to share anymore.
Most days I find it hard to keep moving forward and I want to just ignore the reality of my life with fertility treatments. I know a large part is that I also don't want to be asked month after month if it work or not. I know the biggest reason I have for struggling to share is that if a cycle were to actually work and I was to get that BFP, that I would then have to share about the miscarriage. It's sad that if I ever manage to get a BFP it will be overshadowed by this fear. It is what holds me back so many times. I am so frustrated and hurt that for so many of us infertile couples it isn't just about getting pregnant, but staying pregnant. I have made some pretty amazing friends through twitter who are also going through their own infertile journey. My heart breaks as much for them as myself. It is such a high number of women who finally experience that happiness of getting pregnant, only to have it ripped away. Why is it not enough that we suffer to conceive?
In my last post I mentioned my new specialist. It was a very good appointment. It was full of a lot of information. We made a choice and started a new treatment. I had to wait until my period showed, which finally made it's appearance on Jan. 2. I then started injection therapy. Every morning I started my day off by stabbing myself in the stomach, a week later I went for a scan. I then continued injections for another half week, and came back for my last scan. This was a very interesting appointment.
My lining was looked at first, and for the first time ever it was a perfect lining, couldn't ask for anything better! My right ovary was then checked out, and it had a bunch of follies around a 10-13, but nothing big enough to be mature. Then the great search for my lefty started. This was a painful process. The tech was having challenges. Suddenly the screen was turned so I could no longer see it, and the tech had a strange look on her face. She removed the wand and told me to hold on, and left that room. My heart was pounding, the only other time I've had the tech leave like that is to get the doctor because of miscarriages. I knew this couldn't be the case, but I had that feeling of dread, like something bad was about to happen. My new doctor, Dr. M.S. came in and took a look, then he told the tech to go get his partner Dr. S. He came in and had a look. I'm almost ready to start panicking at this point. Wandy was removed again, and I was told to get dress and to step across the hall into the room there and wait. I could barely manage to button my pants. I go and I wait, and at least 20 minutes passed before Dr. M.S. came in the room. He went on to explain to me that my left side had a very good follie. Okay, so why did it take three of you to find that out? Unfortunately, your left ovary is covered in endo and has made your left ovary shift quite a bit. The tech couldn't find my ovary and needed assistance. He and Dr. S then talked together to see what they could come up with. The fear now with my ovary moved is that if I manage to ovulate my egg will be unable to make it into my tube. There is also the chance that if it manages to make it to the tube, that will be such a long and hard journey it will still be unable to make it to my uterus and I could end up with an ectopic (tubal pregnancy). This comes with it's own risk, not only another lost baby, but could end in a ruptured tube and ER surgery. Then the last blow to this cycle, I was told I was at high risk of developing OHSS (ovarian hyper-stimulation syndrome). This comes with a wide range of risks. It is a positive sign of ovulation, since it can only happen if there is ovulation. Since there is still a chance egg won't make it into tube, there is also chance that the fluid in my ovaries won't drain properly and could cause a lot of problems, as bad as rupturing my ovary. If I ended up with it, I would need to be monitored closely and may need to be drained to prevent the worst.
The day came when it was time to push my trigger shot. Since we decided after spending so much money and there were so many good things, that we would move forward. Just a mere 48 hours after my trigger, just about 10 hrs after ovulation, the pain hit and I was overcome with nausea. I read up on everything. I rested with limited movement and drank Gatorade. This was late on Saturday night. My husband ended up calling the on call doctor at the clinic and took me to ER. It was confirmed I had OHSS. I was given IV fluids for a bit, and given strict orders for limited movement, with slow walking around the house, and to drink plenty of fluids, especially those with electrolytes. My dominant follie is now gone, which means I did ovulate, but who knows where that egg has gone. For the next two weeks I'm stuck on bed rest w/ limited walking privileges.
My husband and I are really beginning to consider this the last cycle. It's been two years, two miscarriages, and lots of risk. Now I'm in so much pain and very sick after spending so much money with no better chance of this working. How much are we to go through? We are wondering if this all is really worth it. For now I just rest and hope the swelling in my ovaries leaves soon.
Most days I find it hard to keep moving forward and I want to just ignore the reality of my life with fertility treatments. I know a large part is that I also don't want to be asked month after month if it work or not. I know the biggest reason I have for struggling to share is that if a cycle were to actually work and I was to get that BFP, that I would then have to share about the miscarriage. It's sad that if I ever manage to get a BFP it will be overshadowed by this fear. It is what holds me back so many times. I am so frustrated and hurt that for so many of us infertile couples it isn't just about getting pregnant, but staying pregnant. I have made some pretty amazing friends through twitter who are also going through their own infertile journey. My heart breaks as much for them as myself. It is such a high number of women who finally experience that happiness of getting pregnant, only to have it ripped away. Why is it not enough that we suffer to conceive?
In my last post I mentioned my new specialist. It was a very good appointment. It was full of a lot of information. We made a choice and started a new treatment. I had to wait until my period showed, which finally made it's appearance on Jan. 2. I then started injection therapy. Every morning I started my day off by stabbing myself in the stomach, a week later I went for a scan. I then continued injections for another half week, and came back for my last scan. This was a very interesting appointment.
My lining was looked at first, and for the first time ever it was a perfect lining, couldn't ask for anything better! My right ovary was then checked out, and it had a bunch of follies around a 10-13, but nothing big enough to be mature. Then the great search for my lefty started. This was a painful process. The tech was having challenges. Suddenly the screen was turned so I could no longer see it, and the tech had a strange look on her face. She removed the wand and told me to hold on, and left that room. My heart was pounding, the only other time I've had the tech leave like that is to get the doctor because of miscarriages. I knew this couldn't be the case, but I had that feeling of dread, like something bad was about to happen. My new doctor, Dr. M.S. came in and took a look, then he told the tech to go get his partner Dr. S. He came in and had a look. I'm almost ready to start panicking at this point. Wandy was removed again, and I was told to get dress and to step across the hall into the room there and wait. I could barely manage to button my pants. I go and I wait, and at least 20 minutes passed before Dr. M.S. came in the room. He went on to explain to me that my left side had a very good follie. Okay, so why did it take three of you to find that out? Unfortunately, your left ovary is covered in endo and has made your left ovary shift quite a bit. The tech couldn't find my ovary and needed assistance. He and Dr. S then talked together to see what they could come up with. The fear now with my ovary moved is that if I manage to ovulate my egg will be unable to make it into my tube. There is also the chance that if it manages to make it to the tube, that will be such a long and hard journey it will still be unable to make it to my uterus and I could end up with an ectopic (tubal pregnancy). This comes with it's own risk, not only another lost baby, but could end in a ruptured tube and ER surgery. Then the last blow to this cycle, I was told I was at high risk of developing OHSS (ovarian hyper-stimulation syndrome). This comes with a wide range of risks. It is a positive sign of ovulation, since it can only happen if there is ovulation. Since there is still a chance egg won't make it into tube, there is also chance that the fluid in my ovaries won't drain properly and could cause a lot of problems, as bad as rupturing my ovary. If I ended up with it, I would need to be monitored closely and may need to be drained to prevent the worst.
The day came when it was time to push my trigger shot. Since we decided after spending so much money and there were so many good things, that we would move forward. Just a mere 48 hours after my trigger, just about 10 hrs after ovulation, the pain hit and I was overcome with nausea. I read up on everything. I rested with limited movement and drank Gatorade. This was late on Saturday night. My husband ended up calling the on call doctor at the clinic and took me to ER. It was confirmed I had OHSS. I was given IV fluids for a bit, and given strict orders for limited movement, with slow walking around the house, and to drink plenty of fluids, especially those with electrolytes. My dominant follie is now gone, which means I did ovulate, but who knows where that egg has gone. For the next two weeks I'm stuck on bed rest w/ limited walking privileges.
My husband and I are really beginning to consider this the last cycle. It's been two years, two miscarriages, and lots of risk. Now I'm in so much pain and very sick after spending so much money with no better chance of this working. How much are we to go through? We are wondering if this all is really worth it. For now I just rest and hope the swelling in my ovaries leaves soon.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
A New Plan To Come
I've been awaiting one phone call since my last doctor appointment, and it came today. I have an appointment made with a new specialist on Wednesday the 21st at 11:30 AM. I've been eagerly awaiting this call, but now that it has come, I'm terrified. My stomach has come alive with a thousand little butterflies dancing around. The doctor I'm seeing specializes in my type of cases. I should be encouraged, but right now I am nervous. I'm just not sure I can handle much more bad in this journey.
I was realizing today that right now, and for awhile, infertility has ruled my life. Even when I try to do other things, it all comes back to this. I want to make plans to do stuff, but I have to make sure I bring my medicine to take, or if it is injection day, I have to make sure that I have a way to keep it cold if I need to leave, and that I'm able to get to a bathroom or private room so I can stab my own stomach. My next step is going going to get more involved. I don't know to what extent yet, but it will include daily injections. I know diabetics deal with this, but I am often times gone for large periods of the day when I am out, and that is too long for my medicine to go without being in the fridge. This is all a lot of work, but if I get a baby I know it will be worth it. Yet each cycle that I go through right now has a less than 15% of getting me pregnant, and an even less chance of not ending in miscarriage.
I have some days that I feel alright, and I feel hopeful, and I don't mind all these procedures, shots, and medicines. Other days I just want to cry because it all seems unfair. I watch all around me as friends seem to get pregnant from their first try. I talk with friends who share with me that they are ready to try, either with their first or for their next, and just a few short months later, they are pregnant. There are no issues, not problems. Just two people who love each other, who share there love in intimacy, and BAM!, baby is here nine short months later. I get to watch as two really do become one, and their love for each other (and sometimes just a damn oops!) gives them a baby.
Some days the fact that I feel that it isn't our love creating a baby really saddens me. I feel myself being weighted down that for as love as my husband and I have for each other, it just doesn't seem to be enough to create that extra life. I will shed my tears. Then of course my wonderful husband, who is always my strength, reminds me that our journey has shared more love then any couple can have. Despite the medicines, the injections, and the unromantic encounters, if we manage to have that miracle, that baby will have been made with so much love, there is no way s/he can be a strong and wonderful human!
The other day I was reminded at the miracle of a baby by my wonderful friend Endo Journey, with her blog post The Fragility of the Miracle. I was reminded no matter if this baby is created by a fertile women, or with the help of science for an infertile women, a baby is a miracle. The ability for 2 small part of a couple to grow and multiply into a tiny little human is amazing.
While I am nervous for our upcoming new path, my hope is being renewed.
I was realizing today that right now, and for awhile, infertility has ruled my life. Even when I try to do other things, it all comes back to this. I want to make plans to do stuff, but I have to make sure I bring my medicine to take, or if it is injection day, I have to make sure that I have a way to keep it cold if I need to leave, and that I'm able to get to a bathroom or private room so I can stab my own stomach. My next step is going going to get more involved. I don't know to what extent yet, but it will include daily injections. I know diabetics deal with this, but I am often times gone for large periods of the day when I am out, and that is too long for my medicine to go without being in the fridge. This is all a lot of work, but if I get a baby I know it will be worth it. Yet each cycle that I go through right now has a less than 15% of getting me pregnant, and an even less chance of not ending in miscarriage.
I have some days that I feel alright, and I feel hopeful, and I don't mind all these procedures, shots, and medicines. Other days I just want to cry because it all seems unfair. I watch all around me as friends seem to get pregnant from their first try. I talk with friends who share with me that they are ready to try, either with their first or for their next, and just a few short months later, they are pregnant. There are no issues, not problems. Just two people who love each other, who share there love in intimacy, and BAM!, baby is here nine short months later. I get to watch as two really do become one, and their love for each other (and sometimes just a damn oops!) gives them a baby.
Some days the fact that I feel that it isn't our love creating a baby really saddens me. I feel myself being weighted down that for as love as my husband and I have for each other, it just doesn't seem to be enough to create that extra life. I will shed my tears. Then of course my wonderful husband, who is always my strength, reminds me that our journey has shared more love then any couple can have. Despite the medicines, the injections, and the unromantic encounters, if we manage to have that miracle, that baby will have been made with so much love, there is no way s/he can be a strong and wonderful human!
The other day I was reminded at the miracle of a baby by my wonderful friend Endo Journey, with her blog post The Fragility of the Miracle. I was reminded no matter if this baby is created by a fertile women, or with the help of science for an infertile women, a baby is a miracle. The ability for 2 small part of a couple to grow and multiply into a tiny little human is amazing.
While I am nervous for our upcoming new path, my hope is being renewed.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Another Period; Another Broken Heart
Lately I've been limited on who to share about doing more cycles. I haven't shared on here, but my husband and I did try another cycle. I decided not to share with anybody about this cycle. We just wanted to have the chance to try without people asking us if it worked only two days after a test.
My first ultrasound was done on day 13, which was the Monday before Thanksgiving. I had the best follies that I have ever had on the right ovary. Still nothing on my left side, and my D. S and my RE have decided it is officially done. That didn't bother me though. I had not one large follicle, but TWO!!! I was amazed and in shock. I had two all 22 or bigger, how crazy is that. I was told to trigger on Tuesday, so to make the timing right, I did my trigger shot on Tuesday morning. I was so hopefully about this whole thing. I was told there is a risk of twins.
A risk of twins? Why is that a risk. For an infertile who is spilling out tons of money for the chance to maybe have a kid, twins is not a risk, it is a miracle. I would be thrilled to have twins. It is the ultimate two for one deal! I had great mature eggs, and TWO!!!! My husband and I decided to give it all we could for this one. We have never had such a good chance. TMI: TO give it our best chance the only things we really could do, was have sex as often as possible, so we did. I was in pain for so long because with my endo it is so not a fun activity. I was hopeful though, I wanted this to work. I am so done with all these cycles.
The two week wait had begun, again. Thanksgiving was in the beginning and that helped a lot to keep me distracted. I wanted to hope, and I was hoping, but I was so afraid to hope. The first week went quickly, but the last week just dragged by. I was so impatient and made the dumb mistake of testing on Sunday, two days too early. This of course was a negative, and while it sucked to once again see a negative, I didn't let it get me down. It was too early to test, and I should have known better. Tuesday rolled around, day 28 of my cycle, and the end of the two week wait. I still had absolutely no signs of an upcoming period, and so even when I thought I was hoping, I did have a sliver of hope. Wednesday showed, with still not period. I had a doctor appointment scheduled for Thursday. My purpose was to discuss what we were going to do about trying and about my endo pain. I begin to hope that maybe this appointment's purpose was about to change. I decided as I was getting ready for bed that I would test the next morning before leaving for my appointment. I feel asleep so hopeful. Thursday morning arrived and I woke up with cramping and pains, my heart sank. I went to the bathroom, where I had my stick sitting out to greet me with a sweet little note from my also hopeful husband, who had already left for work. There was no need to test, I was bleeding.
I had no time to mourn or be sad, it was time to leave since I had errands to run before leaving for my 2 hour trip to my doctor office. I used all my strength not to cry while sending off Christmas gifts and cards at the post office. Finally I was on my two hour drive and of course while driving down the 99 I couldn't help but let the tears fall. By the time I made it to the doctor's office I was calmed down, sort of, and ready to figure out what to do. It was a good appointment. Dr. S had a lot to share. I'm not sure if I actually feel better, but there is a plan. He told me that because of how good my follies were, and also how good my husband's junk is (in fact Dr. S called it "super sperm") there is no reason for the two not to be meeting. He thinks my problem may be more in the fact that it is no implanting. He said that because of my late period and how I didn't have my normal pre-period cramping that we had a fertilized egg, but it never implanted. Not really what I want to hear. He is sending me to another specialist that he works with. I am currently awaiting that call from that place so I don't fully know yet what the new plan will be.
I was able to visit with a good friend while I was in the area. I was having problems focusing though, and even though I love my friend, I was grateful when it was time to head home. I still hadn't told my husband about my period and our BFNBFNs and he has been sad, but always hopeful, always with something positive or comforting to say, but this time nothing. I saw that face and literally felt as though my heart was breaking.
I am so tired of this life. How much more are we to take. My doctor told that he was highly encouraged by how well my right ovary had responded and he told me that he would highly recommend us to keep trying. I talked with my wonderful husband. If we keep trying it means taking longer for us to save money to buy a house closer to his work. It means he has to spend even more time driving 45 minutes to work. Despite that fact he said to me that we should try until my right ovary is officially done as well. I told him it meant we couldn't save as much, and he said that right now, we needed to focus on giving it our all for our chance. What good would it do us if we stopped to save for a house, and got a house, and had lost our chance forever to have a biological child? I let Dr. S know the next morning that he could give our information to his specialist and we would see what he has to suggest.
Here we go on another journey. I'm terrified, I'm broken, and I'm still hopeful. I hope that no matter where this new direction takes us that I can always remember just how wonderful of a husband I have. I don't know where I would be without this amazing man.
My first ultrasound was done on day 13, which was the Monday before Thanksgiving. I had the best follies that I have ever had on the right ovary. Still nothing on my left side, and my D. S and my RE have decided it is officially done. That didn't bother me though. I had not one large follicle, but TWO!!! I was amazed and in shock. I had two all 22 or bigger, how crazy is that. I was told to trigger on Tuesday, so to make the timing right, I did my trigger shot on Tuesday morning. I was so hopefully about this whole thing. I was told there is a risk of twins.
A risk of twins? Why is that a risk. For an infertile who is spilling out tons of money for the chance to maybe have a kid, twins is not a risk, it is a miracle. I would be thrilled to have twins. It is the ultimate two for one deal! I had great mature eggs, and TWO!!!! My husband and I decided to give it all we could for this one. We have never had such a good chance. TMI: TO give it our best chance the only things we really could do, was have sex as often as possible, so we did. I was in pain for so long because with my endo it is so not a fun activity. I was hopeful though, I wanted this to work. I am so done with all these cycles.
The two week wait had begun, again. Thanksgiving was in the beginning and that helped a lot to keep me distracted. I wanted to hope, and I was hoping, but I was so afraid to hope. The first week went quickly, but the last week just dragged by. I was so impatient and made the dumb mistake of testing on Sunday, two days too early. This of course was a negative, and while it sucked to once again see a negative, I didn't let it get me down. It was too early to test, and I should have known better. Tuesday rolled around, day 28 of my cycle, and the end of the two week wait. I still had absolutely no signs of an upcoming period, and so even when I thought I was hoping, I did have a sliver of hope. Wednesday showed, with still not period. I had a doctor appointment scheduled for Thursday. My purpose was to discuss what we were going to do about trying and about my endo pain. I begin to hope that maybe this appointment's purpose was about to change. I decided as I was getting ready for bed that I would test the next morning before leaving for my appointment. I feel asleep so hopeful. Thursday morning arrived and I woke up with cramping and pains, my heart sank. I went to the bathroom, where I had my stick sitting out to greet me with a sweet little note from my also hopeful husband, who had already left for work. There was no need to test, I was bleeding.
I had no time to mourn or be sad, it was time to leave since I had errands to run before leaving for my 2 hour trip to my doctor office. I used all my strength not to cry while sending off Christmas gifts and cards at the post office. Finally I was on my two hour drive and of course while driving down the 99 I couldn't help but let the tears fall. By the time I made it to the doctor's office I was calmed down, sort of, and ready to figure out what to do. It was a good appointment. Dr. S had a lot to share. I'm not sure if I actually feel better, but there is a plan. He told me that because of how good my follies were, and also how good my husband's junk is (in fact Dr. S called it "super sperm") there is no reason for the two not to be meeting. He thinks my problem may be more in the fact that it is no implanting. He said that because of my late period and how I didn't have my normal pre-period cramping that we had a fertilized egg, but it never implanted. Not really what I want to hear. He is sending me to another specialist that he works with. I am currently awaiting that call from that place so I don't fully know yet what the new plan will be.
I was able to visit with a good friend while I was in the area. I was having problems focusing though, and even though I love my friend, I was grateful when it was time to head home. I still hadn't told my husband about my period and our BFNBFNs and he has been sad, but always hopeful, always with something positive or comforting to say, but this time nothing. I saw that face and literally felt as though my heart was breaking.
I am so tired of this life. How much more are we to take. My doctor told that he was highly encouraged by how well my right ovary had responded and he told me that he would highly recommend us to keep trying. I talked with my wonderful husband. If we keep trying it means taking longer for us to save money to buy a house closer to his work. It means he has to spend even more time driving 45 minutes to work. Despite that fact he said to me that we should try until my right ovary is officially done as well. I told him it meant we couldn't save as much, and he said that right now, we needed to focus on giving it our all for our chance. What good would it do us if we stopped to save for a house, and got a house, and had lost our chance forever to have a biological child? I let Dr. S know the next morning that he could give our information to his specialist and we would see what he has to suggest.
Here we go on another journey. I'm terrified, I'm broken, and I'm still hopeful. I hope that no matter where this new direction takes us that I can always remember just how wonderful of a husband I have. I don't know where I would be without this amazing man.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Feeling Myself Drifting Away
For some reason I find myself feeling so lost. I can't seem to find a way out of this infertility world. I feel myself drifting away from reality. I don't want anything to do with anybody. I could easily see myself holed up in my house for weeks and not caring that I'm not out with friends. I have friends soon due to give birth to their precious babies, and all I want to do is stay as far away from them as possible. I am so happy for their joy, but it is a reminder of what I can't seem to have. I feel as though my infertility has become a loser sentence. I had a few friend who were great at letting me know they cared, and that they were praying and thinking of us, but as this journey keeps getting longer, those friends become less and less. I don't understand. I know it may be hard to be friends with somebody who seems to be stuck in this chapter, but are we not suppose to have friends who care? I feel like my friends have basically decided that "hey, I was okay with supporting you for about 6 months of this 'infertility' thing, but it's carried on long enough. Just hurry up and have your baby and move on with our dumb life." I am sure they really don't mean that, and what really is happening is that because this has been so long and things seem to keep going from bad to worse they really have no idea how to love and support us. I will say that I don't fully know myself, but one way is not to ignore us. How about leave a quick message every once in awhile just so I know that I'm not alone. I feel myself drifting away, and I don't want to be.
I Would Give It All
The young one there,
The overwhelmed
The one that doesn't want.
It seems so easy.
These all choose to end it.
I would give it all
Give it all for the chance
The chance to hold you
Hold you in my arms forever
I pick myself up
I move forward.
All for a missing line.
Out of nowhere
The first time
The accident
It seems so easy
Hold the complaints
I would give it all
Give it all for the chance
The chance to hold you
Hold you in my arms forever
I pick myself up
I move forward.
All for a missing line
I want to know what it's like
To have our love multiplied
To hold in our hands
A dream we brought to life.
I would give it all
Give it all for the chance
The chance to hold you
Hold you in my arms forever.
I would give it all
To know what it's like
I would give it all
For the chance to hold you
I would give it all
To bring our dream to life
I would give it all
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