Conversations, Decisions and still no Direction

I have been not healing well from my last infection.  It feels like all I do is lay around in bed trying to sleep and I am sick and tired of it.  I've been put on new medicine for this infection in hopes that it will finally go away.  While I have been stuck in bed I have done a lot of thinking.  I know we are reaching an end to this journey and I've been trying to figure out what to do.

It was time to sit down with my husband and discuss what was going on.  We needed to face the reality that I have only one ovary sort of producing follies, and a uterus that is daily becoming a more horrible to grow a baby in.  It was time to have a conversation about our thoughts in IUI and IVF and surrogacy.  When we first began this journey we knew that our beliefs did not line up with IVF or surrogacy.  There are so many reasons why we don't believe it.  We hold nothing against those that choose to do it, and we understand that we are not playing God, because in the end God can decide to make it work or not.  Having an IUI was something we never really discussed much.  I guess we were both optimistically thinking we wouldn't ever have to worry about it, but we are at that point.

It has been a long and emotional time, but we made a choice.  In the end we both agree we don't want to do IUI.  This decision has not been an easy one to get to, but it has been made, and we both finally feel right about it.  I think that hardest part of making this choice is having so many friends tells us that we are wrong.  I have a former infertile friend, who after adopting 4 kids (all siblings) still wanted to keep trying for her own, who basically shut down our reasons as stupid.  It bugs me.  I don't understand why our choice not to try some things makes it so so called friends suddenly have to give their opinion as a fact and as the way we should do things.

Isn't this our life.  Isn't the most important thing what my husband and I believe is right for us.  Why does our choice not to do IUI or IVF make us suddenly less infertile?  Does it really mean we lack understanding and true desire for our own biological kids?  I tell you it does not.

I am sick of others giving their opinions when they really don't understand what is like have to face the reality of our lack of ability to have our own children everyday.  I don't want anymore offers from people to carry my baby.  When I say I won't do surrogacy, please don't talk to me as if I don't really understand what surrogacy is.  When I say I won't do IVF or an IUI I don't want to be told how my beliefs are wrong.  I get so tired of people talking to me, or at me, as though I don't know what these procedures are.  Do they really think I haven't done any research?

The decisions on what we should do are between my husband and me.  My doctor and my RE help us get more information and clarity on the research we have done.  I wish people would just support us and our decisions until of telling us that we are just giving up and not doing enough.  I'm tired of hearing it and I won't put up with it anymore.

Thanks!

Thankful

I know, it is already the 10, so I am behind on the things I am thankful for, if I want to take part of the 30 day challenge, which I'm not going to be.  I will however, for now list a few things that I am thankful for.  In my last post I wrote I wanted my life to be about more than endo, adeno, PCOS, low reserve, and infertility.  I noticed getting up today and running some errands I had a better attitude.  I was in pain since my time of shedding pints of blood at once has arrived, but at least I felt content with life.

I don't know if that feeling had to do with urging myself to be reminded of the good in my life, or if it was because I was doing Christmas gift shopping and I absolutely love Christmas and all that it entails.  I even met with a pregnant friend and talk about her baby shower, and felt okay.  Tonight while baking cookies I suddenly felt that pain of infertility hit hard.  As I sit here with heating bad on back, and the laptop in front for it's added warmth I decided it was time to remember a blessing I have!

As corny as it may sound, I will have to post my first thankful post for my husband.  A man who is always there for me, even in my darkest hour.  Who shares in my pain of infertility, yet is sincerely content in the fact that I am all he needs.  His presence in any room as the ability to make me feel light. A hug is all it takes to remind me that together we will make it through whatever life may throw our way.  I am in awe over the fact that there are so many days that my pain takes over and I become utterly useless in so many ways.  He still comes home after a long and stressful day at work, always willing to stop for dinner, and come home to a wife unable to do anything for him.  He deserves so much more than what I can do for him, yet he has never once complained. He is a man who treats me with just as much love as the days I am able to play the "good wife" role.  I am forever blessed with this man, and I never even want to imagine walking this journey without him by my side.  Hand in hand I know our life will be filled with much love!

"Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude." -1 Corinthians 13:4

Bored, Hormonal, and Confused

I was suppose to have an appointment on the 7th of this month, but that has been moved to the 8th of December now.  My last cycle was so different that my RE met with my doctor and then there was a phone conference to decide what to do next.  The infections also messed things up a bit.  I am disappointed a bit, because it has been awhile since I have sat down and been honest with my doctor, but I have had phone calls, and know that he is aware of what is going on.  I was even told in the last phone call that he has been talking to some other specialist about my case.  I will take this as a good thing and just be patient.

I am slowly recovering from my infections.  It feels like it is taking forever, but it seems I am at least getting well.  I am so thankful for that.  Staying cooped up in the house with only a few small outings is making me crazy.  This week I have been working on some redesigns for my blog site, and I have been doing some thinking.  I am still not fully satisfied with my blog, but it is headed in the right direction.  While I have been stuck home I have been very hormonal.  I am tired of being stuck in the world of infertility, of trying to conceive, and of dealing with pain.  While I can not escape the fact that this is in fact a huge part of my life at the moment, I want to remember the other things I once enjoyed doing.  I have been focusing on the fact that a lot of what I used to do was physical stuff, which I can no longer do.  Dance was my dream, and it has been hard to accept that it is no longer apart of my life.  I can get depressed when I see the students I once taught, or other kids I have known move onto college and get into amazing dance academies and follow the dream I once had.  This can be as heartbreaking as a birth or pregnancy announcement can be.

I need to move on.  I need to accept that I cannot follow my dance dream and that is over.  I am learning to accept the reality that I may never get to hold a child that my husband and I created in my arms after giving birth to them.  Even though I have been blogging, I have forgotten about my joy to read and write.  While I have been making some changes in my blog I have been thinking about what else I would like to write about.  I recently was given a Kindle from my amazing husband and now have access to many books.  I am thinking about combining my love of reading and writing and may start a review page here. I also love writing, poetry, short stories, ect.  I have not done so in a long time, and I think it is time to start again.    I also love organizing.  I am trying to figure out how I can write on that, but I have given myself a new challenge and hopefully soon in addition to my normal post about my endo and my infertility you will start seeing some new things come this way.

Trashed Cycle

I apologize for the long delay in writing.  After my day 15 scan I was disappointed and just didn't feel like facing reality.  Writing updates is where I must face that reality. then I ended up with an infection.  I am still recovering from that and have not had the energy to bother updating.

The current cycle I was on was a very depressing cycle.    My last post shared how my left ovary was unresponsive, but my right ovary still had some follies, however, those did not grow enough and my cycle was officially trashed.  I was crushed.  I know all my testing was showing how this would all end up happening, but it sure is happening very quickly.  It is frustrating and disappointing.  My RE talked with my doctor, and they want to try again, since they see that there are still eggs in my right ovary.  I am down to only one good ovary.  They are giving me stronger meds, and we are in the process of debating IUI.  We will do the next cycle that way, and depending on how I respond if it ends in a negative we will try one more.  December will be our last cycle though.  If I am not pregnant by then we will be done.  I want to have hope that I will be pregnant, but I am trying to face the reality that I might not be.

How do I move on?  I know how, don't get me wrong.  We will save money, move into a house we own closer to my husband's work.  Then we will start saving money again and begin the adoption process.  I am totally happy to adopt, I was adopted after all.  I am not okay with how long it will take to have a baby.  I am ready to be a mother now.

I am also looking forward to not trying anymore.  This last cycle was trashed, and it was almost nice to not have to think about anything infertility for a while.  There was no timing out injections to have the best egg ovulated, and no timed unromantic intercourse.  The break was nice, even though the reason for the break was depressing.  I will look forward to not having all the crazy side effects that I have.  It seems that almost every cycle has had some weird abnormal problems.  Even this last cycle that didn't produce a good egg I ended up with a uterus infection that spread to my nervous system.  I then had some weird allergic reaction to something.  I'm doing okay now, other than some back and joint pain, and my normal endo pains, which I am thankful for.  I would be nice to finally have a life.

I just wonder how much I'll enjoy life if I'm not pregnant and able to carry full term, or have to wait another few years before I can adopt.  I know that I have an amazing husband and that should be enough.  I am reminded of that as Nov. 1, was our 3 year anniversary.  I know that with him, I will be able to enjoy life.  The sadness and desire for kids will always be around though.  For now I suppose I will just wait.  We haven't fully given up yet.  If it leads me to a kid I suppose having no life will be worth it, and I will hold onto the hope that one day won't be ruled by pain and infertility.  

Unresponsive Ovary

A little collection from our trip to Las Vegas, Nevada 

I am so thankful for our short trip to Vegas.  My husband had to spend a lot of time in conferences, but he says it was worth it and he learned a lot.  It was a short trip, but it was so needed.  Wednesday was our travel there day, and I was feeling miserable and getting worried about the rest of the trip.  I hardly got any sleep that night, but Thursday morning arrive with about 2 hours of sleep (maybe) and my pain was not too bad.  I spent a little bit of time relaxing at the pool, and then went to the wildlife habitat and got to watch dolphins swim around for a while, and then checked out the Tigers.  For me that was my highlight.  I then went to the Bellagio Gardens.  It was beautiful.  Later that evening the strip was closed for a Indy "race," which was more of a little parade. We then ended the evening with the Fountains at the Bellagio.  Sadly by that time my pain was taking over.  Friday I hardly remember what I did, it was some shopping, but pain and sickness ruined it and made the fly home miserable.  I am thankful for the one day I had though.  It was something I didn't even realize how much I needed.

I want to be done, yet at the same time, I don't want to give up.  My pain has gone out of control since we have done treatments and I am not sure i am strong enough to keep dealing with it.  I have picked up rarely being able to hold anything down.  It seems to be hard for a doctor to accept that vomiting and nausea are a symptoms of endo.  It annoys me.  It has been proven to me that it is in my case.  What more do I have to do to prove it to new doctors?  I can't treat any of these problems though until I give up on trying for a baby.

I had another scan today to see how this cycle is responding.  From day one I have had little hope for this cycle, for no reason.  I am day 13.  Last cycle on day 14 I had a follie at 22, this time I have a ton of little cyst on my right ovary, but no good follie.  My RE spent a long time trying to find my left ovary.  When she finally did it was barely anything to see.  She could not get the wand close enough to see it.  It has been a challenge the last few scans to find my left ovary, but when it is found they have still been able to see some follies on it, but this time, nothing.  My ovary seems to have shifted and seems to have gone dormant.  My right ovary still had the PCOS look and is not responding to medicine.  I will go back on day 15 to see if maybe I am just late this month.  I hold little hope for that.

I am suppose to go back to my doctor on the 7 of November.  Hopefully something can be done, or at least a choice can be made that I feel is the right choice.  I really do have to wonder if there is a right choice.  I have little hope that I can be pain free, and I have little hope that I will have my own biological child.  I hate feeling this way.  I wish I knew what I could do.  I would give up trying if I knew it could lead to no pain and the ability to move forward with adoption.

My husband and I have finally sat down and talked through a few things.  I was holding on to trying not just for myself, but for him as well.  Whenever adoption came up he was never really into it, never said no, but never gave me the impression he was okay with it.  In talking to him we both finally were open with our feelings.  He never was against it, but just wanted to take things one day at at time.  He didn't see the point in discussing adoption when we didn't even know if we could or couldn't have kids.  Now that we have spent so long trying and are facing the reality of my physical condition he finally gave a choice.  I am happy that I do at least feel good about the chances of adoption and will not have to doubt his regret for not having a biological child.  I just wish that meant I could feel better about giving up, but I just don't want to give up until I have no other choice.  

Low Reserve Confirmed.

Test have now confirmed I have a low reserve.  It has taken me almost 2 weeks to share that on here.  I have been trying to run from reality.  We still do not fully know what we are going to do and having pressure that time it running away seems to make it even harder to make a choice.  My husband is so great, but he doesn't really like to think too far ahead and would rather not worry about tomorrow and just focus on today.  That is great, but when our tomorrow is what it is, we need to focus on that as well.  He knows that, but he doesn't know what we are suppose to do, so he wants to just wait it out.

I have been so sick lately.  It is getting old.  I am so tired of having so much pain and so many side effects from all the medicines.  I know that if it leads me all to a child then I will look back at this time and think it is all worth it, but as I am living through it all, and I am told how little chance I have, I have to wonder if this is worth it.  I know I am always suppose to have hope, at least that is what everybody tells me.  When am I suppose to face reality though?  How much am I suppose to risk my body for?  We know that fertility treatment is making things worse, and pregnancy will put a baby and me in danger.  Is this really a good idea?

I finally had a solid talk with my husband and finally shared all my feelings.  It was a good talk, and even he opened up more.  If felt really good that he was feeling the same things as I was.  That he did also feel sad when we hung out with couples with children or who were pregnant.  It was great to hear that I was no alone in these feelings, but it hurt.  I keep wondering if this is all worth it.  I know without a doubt that if we adopted I would love that child just as much as a child I gave birth to, but I can't help but feel heartbroken at the idea that I can never give my husband a biological child.

For now I wait.  I'll be going to the doctor soon and will be figuring out what to.  All I can do is pray and wait and I wish that was enough to give me peace.  I wish I could just make it through one hour when I am not aching for a child.  

Adenomyosis and Low Reserve, What More?

I feel so jumbled and so disorganized in my thoughts, and in my feelings.  I now see it coming out in my house, which is just making  me feel so much worse. My house, which is always crazy organized, maybe a little bit of an OCD issue, is so disorganized now.  Last night after I was home from a long day in Fresno for my doctor appointment, which lasted about an hour in a half.

Through out this whole process of taking meds and doing ultrasound and timed intercourse and all the unromantic stuff that goes with it there have been lots of blood testing, confirming true ovulation and what not.  I got a call from my Dr after I had begun this last treatment.  I was having some really bad side effects, bad cramping, dizziness, migraine, and light headed.  The cramping had gotten so bad, that my doctor ordered an emergency ultra sound to make sure there was no rupturing cyst.  He was sent the results and in doing so was looking over my file once again and saw that my last few FSH were raising and my most current had me at 15.  What does that all mean?  This points to low ovarian reserve, or low egg count as a more understandable term.  How did I get there at 26?  No idea, there are many reasons, it can be common for women with other problems, could have been part of my endo, could be because while in the womb my biological mother was on drugs, or it could have been the radiation I had in high school to shrink the tumor in my lungs, that was not taken care of properly because of the family issues. That tumor turned out to be endo tissue and had I been old enough to make decisions I would have found out why. 

Now what do I do about it?  Well now that all depends on what the ultrasound showed.  What was that?  That in the last 6 months my endo growth was more than tripled in amount.  Well that totally sucks, who wait there is more?  I know have adenomyosis growing in my uterus and on my stomach.  What the crap is that?  To put it into the simplest of terms my endo is borrowing itself into the muscles walls of these organs.  As if this isn't enough, this means that my chances of having a full term labor are very low. My uterus has become a hostile environment for a baby.  This also means I am in danger if I get pregnant.

At my appointment yesterday I did do one more blood test, a AMH, which I should get tomorrow.  This test will confirm if I do or do not really have a low reserve.  The results of this test will let us know what to do.  If we find that I have a low reserve then at the end of this current cycle if there is no baby I will have a D&C and go for a IUI.  The fertility meds are speeding up growth too much.  My doctor and my RE want to hit this aggressively, but there is fear in doing so.  The hope with the D&C is that even with the growth that will come from the medicine, the clearing out of the most recent (somewhat, since my doctor can't be that aggressive without causing more damage) growths will make it safe enough for a baby and for me.  That will be my last chance though.  One pregnancy is all I can do.  There will be so much damage.

If we find that I don't have low reserve then there is a little more hope.  I would have a laparascopy again.  This would clear out more endo.  The growths that have already started to go into my muscle wall are not something that can be removed though, but the hope would be that growth would slow down.  Once my body has healed from this procedure we would begin on the journey of trying to conceive. We would again go aggressive.  Everything would have to be monitored.  Once we get too much growth again we would reevaluate and go from there.  My doctor guesses based on how fast things grew after last lap, and during current treatment that with more aggressive drugs I would have less than 6 months after surgery to succeed.

Now onto a strange and weird note.  We have already started a new cycle and it would be a waste of so much to not continue.  Yesterday's ultra sound showed only one follicle that responded to meds, which was at a 21.  That is totally amazing.  I have never had something so good.  Last night I injected my trigger shot with an allergy shot before that.  So far I have way less reactions to the shot and that is encouraging because of last time.  If we do get pregnant this cycle there will be a lot to worry about.  We could lose it, and that worries me.  If we make it full term the pregnancy will be hard and we may have to have a C-section to avoid some of the danger for me and for baby.

This is so much to take in.  I am so tired of waiting and wanting.  No decisions have been made and won't be until we get the final test results and until this cycle is over.  Sadly for this I don't really know if I am hoping or not for a pregnancy.  I want a baby so badly, so that makes me hope for one.  I dread the thought of losing another, and that saddens me.  I was informed one more pregnancy, miscarried or not will be all my uterus can handle.  I am scared, and I am nervous, and I am overly emotional due to all the medicines.  For now I wait.