Before Endo. Took Over

There was a time before endometriosis, medicine, pain and life when I was a happy, healthy, and hopeful young lady.  In a matter of a few years that all changed.  As you have all read, my past has not been one to instill a feeling of hope.  Despite that past I have always been hopeful and positive.  I went through a few years of endometriosis, with a hope that one day I would be pain free and able to have a children.  In the process of meeting my husband and dating, I had to share with him the truths of this disease, while it was hard to do, I never really believed that I would not have the ability to conceive.  I keep saying that I have only fought this for about 2 1/2 years, but that was how long it had been when I started dating.  Once I realized that it has actually been 6 years of fighting (and those are just the years that I actually pursued medical help) I began to lose my hope.  I looked back and saw all that endometriosis had caused me to lose.  The one thing I know I can be grateful about is that I married the most wonderful guy on the earth.  I know that no matter how bad things get I can look to him and realize that my life will still turn out all right, and I will always have love.

I remember the day I met my husband.  I tell you I had no idea that he would be mine some day.  He arrived at the camp I worked at, with his friend, to help with paintball.  The first thing I saw about this guy, even before I saw him, was some demonic looking bunny sticker on the back window of his S10.  We were at a small Christian camp up on the middle of the mountains, so this was a bit strange to see up there.  I asked his friend, who I had known for a few years, what kind of person he had brought to help with paintball.  I was told to have the owner of the truck explain it to me.  Well I am a bit of a shy person and don’t usually talk to guys, at least not first.  I tend to come across as rude, but in reality I am shy.  I was 20, and had never had a single date.  At the next meal I was sitting with my friend and his family, and the paintball helper joined us.  Here was my chance to ask him.  So I did.  He responded with an explanation about “Frank the Bunny” from Donnie Darko.  Next thing I knew my hour long lunch break was over.  I walked away finding it pretty amazing that I had just had a long conversation with a guy.  He came up a few times that year to help out with paintball, and we had some decent conversations, but the thought that we would fall in love and get married were no where near me. 

Finally in the summer of 2006 the paintball worker became maintenance summer staff.  As the summer went on and I developed a friendship with this guy, I realized that I desired more than friendship and so did a few of the other girls.  Girls who were bolder than me, and prettier than me.  There was a girl working in the coffee shop that summer, and we had ended up becoming friends and I confided in her my feelings for him.  Due to my endometriosis, I had put on some weight, so I did not look all that great.  The girl I confided got very close to him, they became really good friends.  It appeared that they would be dating soon, so I let myself forget about him.  I was hurt that even with her knowing my feelings she still had developed this friendship, but I tried to hide it, because she really was a wonderful girl and I enjoyed her friendship.  We did still do a lot of IM during the school year.  I kept the conversations causal  and tried to ignore the crush that I had.  During the winter he and his new wonderful girl, who swore they were just friends came up for a visit.  It was a nice few days with both of them.  I enjoy the conversations that I had, and I did have a friendship with the girl, so I tried to keep my jealousy in check.  My IM with him decreased, and I begin to think that I was over him.  I was still a bit jealous that he was so close with that girl, but I was over my crush.  When he showed up the next summer to work again, I didn’t have the nerves I had from liking him, and so we had a friendship again.  We started getting close and having some really good discussions.  I started to have my feelings again.  I would go home and get mad at myself for allowing my emotions to run wild.  I was so sure he had no feelings for me.  Then two weeks before we was suppose to leave and go back home, he asked me on a date.  It was a sweet date, we went to a nice dinner and a movie.  It was perfect for a first date.  The end of the night came and he walked me home, nothing was ever said about us starting a relationship.  He left and I was mad.  Not at him, but at myself.  I had always said I never wanted to date, just to date, yet here I had.  I wasn’t sure what to do.  Well I had put his weird movie on my Netflix and it arrived.  This was my last chance.  I had gone on the date, and he didn’t say anything to me.  I had to do what I could to let him know I was interested.  I invited him over two day after our date to watch Donnie Darko.  When I movie ended I wasn’t sure what to expect, but finally he started talking.  He told me that he had heard that I had a crush on somebody the summer before, and tried to weasel me out of who it was.  I broke down and told him it was him.  Turned out he already knew that because our mutual friend who I had shared with, had shared with him.  I spent a few minutes holding my breath, wondering what he would say about things now that he knew I had feelings for him.  He finally spilled to be his feelings, and so we began to date.  A year later we were engaged, and 3 months later we were married. 

I am now happily married to a wonderful man.  I may never have children, and that makes me sad.  I do not even know if I will ever be free from physical pain, but what I do know, is that I have a wonderful husband who will always be there for me.  It is funny how life turns out.  The girl I was so jealous about, is herself, happily married with a wonderful little boy and another baby on the way.  She shares about her life in her blog.  Follow her…http://shoni-walkwithme.blogspot.com/.  My last few blogs have been very depressing, and while all that I have written is true, and when it comes to my endometriosis I hold very little hope,  my life is not at all bad.  I am blessed and as long as I have my husband by my side I will have the strength to carry on.

To see my wedding pictures go to…http://www.heatherdunnphotography.com/Weddings/Dianna-and-Steven

Life on Repeat

Every day it feels the same.  I wonder why I can’t get away. My day repeats like a song set on repeat.  I am sick and tired of hearing this music, but I can’t find the stop button.  Every night the thoughts meander back in time.  I then have to find the strength again each morning to get up and over come the memories that haunt me. 

Now reading this and my last blog may make some think, “whoa there physco, time to see the shrink;” however, I really am okay.  I have dealt with my past, and I believe I have turned out stronger for it.  I never will be glad it happened, and I will always mourn for the pain that it caused.  I move forward and carry the lessons I learned.  This post is not to share all the details of a horrible past, or to share about the things I have learned.  This is a post to share with you what this invisible disease, called endometriosis can do. 

The debilitating pain forces me to sit laying awake most of the night with nothing to do in a household fast asleep.  My loneliness is filled with thoughts of my past, or hopes and worry of my future.  When the loudness of the silence fills my ears: I write, I share, I cry, I pray, and I hope.  I sometimes manage to fall asleep after my ranting and when I awake, the song is still playing.  Set on repeat, do I dare to hope it will stop this time?  Do I dare to hope for an end to this song?

It never ends!

Did I lose my only Chance?

It seems like it has been months since my last posting, but in reality it has only been about half a month since my last posting.  The last few posting had to do with my 30 day blog, but I am going to put that on hold for now.  I only did that so I could keep up on my blog while I was unable to push myself past my pain.  Even now as I am sitting here and writing this I struggle to find the words I want to use.  I always struggle to share what is really going on.  I know I write this blog, to help myself and for others, but it is still a challenge to fully open up.

The last few weeks I have not been doing well at all.  I walk around each day, and for the most part nobody even realizes how I am truly doing.  That is my own doing and so I do not blame anybody.  I hate that my life is ran by a disease.  I know that a lot of my readers are facing these same problems.  It may not be endometriosis that you are dealing with, but all the same, you have no control over your life.  As a good Christian women I am suppose to be okay with that, since God has control.  In the Christian world, if I take a moment to complain, or share at all my feelings of pain, and my struggles to be content with God's plan then I am not a good Christian.  Now, not only do I have to live in horrible pain, deal with the fact I may never have my own children, and have out of control hormones, but I also have to live with being judged because I have these thoughts and feelings.  It is not seen that even though I may express these feelings, I am still attempting to follow God, and to trust that this time will mold me into a women who is even more in love with God.  I praise God for the moments I have the strength to just get out of bed.  I praise Him when I am able to fall asleep and stay asleep for more than 30 minutes.  I may rant and I may share what is really going on, or what has really gone on in my life, but I know that I am blessed by and Amazing God.  I share in hopes of reaching just one person struggling to trust.  I share in hopes that I can grow.  I share because I believe God has asked me to.  I share so that God may be seen.  That all said I believe now I will share why my weeks have not been very good.


My pain has been horrible.  I am thankful to have my wonderful husband who is working hard so that I don't have to get up each day and go to work.  I don't know how I would be if I had to get up every day and make it to a job.  I am sorry for those of you that have to.  I have done that.  I did it for years with very physically demanding job.  My endometriosis is causing so many problems.  I rarely sleep, as you can see from my late night ranting.  My hormones are so messed up that I never know from one moment to the next what emotion I am going to be feeling.  I sleep so little that my muscle ache as though I am always fighting the flu.  Isn't enough that I have cramps that knock me to the ground.  My sleep habits have become something to worry about now.  I rarely get more than 2 hours of sleep at one time.   My hair is falling out in clumps.  I have long thick hair and I have always shed a lot, but this is different.  I can actually notice my hair is getting thinner.  My joints ache all the time, when I am laying in bed trying to sleep at night my knees start to express their long day, even if all I did was lay in bed for most of due to my major cramping pains.

I am in pain.  I cannot walk.  I cannot live.  I cannot breathe.  Fighting my pain.  Trying hard to hold onto whatever hope I have.  As I lay in bed losing my vision from the pain of my cramps I am reminded of my past.  I cannot help but wonder if that was my last chance.  I then begin to play the game of "if only."  If only I had: gone to the doctor, been more honest, not taken no as an answer, pursued testing.  When that dark day hit me in September I wonder if it was the moment that could have saved me from today.  That moment could have forced me to go to the doctor and the first signs of Endometriosis could have been found.  These are the thoughts that flood my dreams during the nights of no sleep and of horrible pain.  It is weird; I would rather never live that moment, the moment a gift was stolen that I had been saving for my husband.  Now as I know what I know, I realize that God hates that I have had to endure what I did, but sometimes He has to allow the bad to wake us up.  Had I been braver I could have been treated back then for my disease.  The one night didn't seem to be enough to wake me up.  Sitting in a shower as I had blood flooding out of me, which still wasn't enough. I realize that now.  I know that I am a stronger person because of what I went through.  I know that God will use everything for His good.  I know I was young, so how was I supposed to know what to do?  I had no guidance.  My mother had already died three years before that.  How was I supposed to know I needed more help?  My only advice was that all women have cramps, deal with it.  I held on to bitterness for this advice for many years, but now, I am free.  I apologize for the way I write this, it is a bit coded.  That is the way I write.  I sometimes find I can say more by saying less.  Even though this has the wisdom of today, it is written with the feelings of my yesteryear. 

I hate that I have to deal with disease.  I grieve for the children I never got to hold and will possibly never get to carry.  I worry about the ifs of my future, when I know that I shouldn't.  I want a cure that will lead to children and no pain, but I will be content with no more pain.  While I long for pregnancy, I am happy with my husband and the love that we share.  I struggle to be happy, but God and my love are all I need to be blessed in this life.  I want to live, I want to breathe, and I want to feel.  For now I have no life away from pain, I can't catch an easy breath, and I want to be numb.  For now I cannot help but wonder if I lost my only chances because I lacked the courage and the wisdom. 

I have a doctor appointment on March 21.  I fear it and I look forward to it.  I fear what it may show me, but I hope for it to lead me to less pain. For those of you, who have your own stories, please feel free to comment.  I would love to know what you do during our moments of hopelessness.

30 days of Blogging-Day 1

Alright, so I have decided to join in on this.  I could be a lot of fun!

30 Days of Blogging
day 1- recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
day 2- the meaning behind your blog name
day 3- a picture of you as a child
day 4- a habit that you wish you didn’t have
day 5- a picture of somewhere you’ve been
day 6- favorite super hero and why
day 7- a picture of someone/something that has had the biggest impact on you
day 8- short term goals for this month and why
day 9- something you’re proud of in the past few days
day 10- songs you listen to when you are happy, sad, bored, hyped, mad
day 11- write a bucket list of things you want to do before you die
day 12- write a poem to someone you love
day 13- your 5 favorite books and why
day 14- a picture of you and your family
day 15- put your ipod on shuffle: first 10 songs that play
day 16- a picture of yourself
day 17- someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
day 18- plans/dreams/goals you have
day 19- write about a sweet memory from your past
day 20- write a letter to someone
day 21-a picture of something that makes you happy
day 22- what makes you different from everyone else
day 23- something you crave a lot
day 24- post your favorite quote or verse of scripture and why
day 25- what I would find in your bag
day 26- list 10 things that you are thankful for
day 27- my day job verses my passion
day 28- cruise a thesaurus and pick out 10 words you like the sound of
day 29 – favorite tv shows and why you like them
day 30 – movies you can watch again and again.

 1.   I am not a normal girl, I love to fix things, I can fix a urinal, or a toilet. I can switch out outlets and switches, and fix extension cords. I can take a vacuum motor apart and fix it too. I love all that mechanical stuff and building things and fixing things.

2.  I enjoy working with power tools and building things

3.  I only dated my husband, he was my first everything!

4.  I would rather clean house then cook

5.  I love working with children. 

6.  My favorite food is lasagna.

7.  I hate enchiladas but I can cook really good ones

8.  All my tools are pink. I even have a pink power drill. I don't really care about the color pink, I just think that pink tools are funny :)

9.   I am obsessed about being organized and clean, I hate the house to be dirty

10.   I may be a neat freak, but I never make the bed in the morning. I do not see the point in making it when I am just going to be unmaking it again in the evening.

11. I never did any drugs, or drinking, or ever had sex before marriage. I know I was weird! :) Most of all I never regret never trying anything.

12.    I love dog training, it was something I inherited from my mother. I got myself a purebred Weimeraner who is AKC registered so I could show him, but he went blind and I cannot show him.

13.   I hate sharing my life with people, but not because I want to be secret, but because it makes people think I am better then I am for enduring it all, and I am not that great or strong.

14.   I really hate having to talk on the phone, no reason I just always have hated it.

15.   My biggest fear is not being able to have children, and that sex will always be a painful thing for me. My poor husband.

Facts Mean Nothing

When pain become unbearable what is suppose to be done?  Laying awake in the middle of the night and my endometriosis pain has become so intense that my stomach is churning and my head is spinning.  I want to yell and cry, but instead just pray that I pass out from the pain instead.  I have tried so many different things to try to help my pain, but for some reason it does not give me relief.  I have found that during the day when there is work to be done I am able to push past my pain and stay focused on the task at hand.  I never forget the pain I am, every movement becomes a massive chore, but at least my mind can be free of all the thoughts that come with the pain.  Then night falls and it is time to attempt to sleep.  Sleep, well really the lack of, gives my mind the time to be fully hit with the pain and how much picking up that box, or picking up that sock that fell on the ground really did hurt me.  My brain has become fully awake while the rest of my body is arguing for sleep and relief.
 
The mind goes crazy during the long hours at night when the rest of the household is peacefully sleeping and dreaming.  I have many things that enter my mind at times like this, but rarely any that hold real hope.  I read and I write at times like this.  I read in an attempt to gain some hope, and I write in hopes that my brain will finally shut down and I can sleep.  Instead what happens is the reading slowly drains what little hope I have managed to gain back through the day.  The writing still helps, so at least there is on good from all of this.  There are times when I just need to express the thoughts that are killing my spirit. 

I frantically search for blogs and websites hoping for a different treatment for endometriosis.  I read numerous success stories of pain relief  from treatments I have already repeated a half a dozen times, well maybe only 3 or 4 times.  I move onto the next blog and I hear the story once again.  Pain and trouble having children leading to many doctors until they find the one who performs surgery and suddenly they feel great were able to have that child they desired!  They share in the blog how many times it seemed unlivable and hopeless, but to hold onto hope, the pain can be fixed and you can have children.  Those women then have the children and end it all with a hysterectomy.  I want to believe in that hope.  The stories are so happy, how can it not be happy when you have children out of it.  It does make it all worth it, but when is one suppose to "give up?"  Nothing that I read points to any new developments or treatments.  When do I stop repeating a treatment.  If the fourth and fifth time didn't make me feel better why is the sixth or the seventh going to be any different.  I am three surgeries into my endometriosis and still have horrible pain and no children.  I know, I am suppose to keep having hope.

God can do anything, right?  I do believe this to be true, but just because He has the ability to do something does not mean He will.  Does he really want me to endure a few more years feeling this way?  My life is on hold because I am stuck waiting to find out if I can have kids.  My hope is gone, but I have to keep going on as though I have the hope.  I am struggling to maintain a happy face when I find that others are getting pregnant.  I have to attempt to be supportive when I hear of people trying when I know they are not meant to be a mother yet.  When the life they are going to be bringing that baby into is unfit, yet they not only try, but succeed to have children.  I have to be careful as well that I do not show my hurt and pain and sadness if the day comes and I find I cannot have children for fear that maybe I will somehow say that my current life means nothing without children.  That is not the case.  I have a wonderful family, and wonderful husband who is all I need and ever will need, but even that cannot fully take away the desire to have kids.  I want to always make clear that my husband is good enough for me.  It will only be through his love and his support that I will be able to keep going.

Some of you may have noticed that I have named my blog "The Pain of Growing to Trust" which seems to be the farthest things from what I write now.  I named it that so that I can have a focus.  I am learning to trust that God is in control and has a wonderful plan.  I do not know what that plan will bring, I do not have hope that it will bring me children, but I trust that it is a mighty plan.  This is where the pain comes from.  The pain comes from being human and lacking all understanding.  In the time to come, I know that God will show His plan, and all this pain will be so silly, but I will have a trust that nothing can destroy.  In the meantime I attempt to understand with much failure, pain, and hopelessness. 

The Desire to Sleep

The desire to sleep has taken over my body.  All day I hope of falling asleep and getting a few good solid hours of dreams. The simple act of laying down, closing my eyes, and relaxing my body seems so easy, right?  WRONG!  The effortless action is the hardest thing for me to accomplish, and I am an overachiever.  I have failed at one of life's easiest jobs.  This endometriosis has ruined so many things.  Why must is make me lose the one thing that gives me the most relief?  Since I cannot sleep I now write.  Though one would argue that my lunatic rantings at 3 AM is truly writings, but nonetheless, I write.  I share with you my heart and my life.

As I have explained before, this site is not just about my struggle with endometriosis.  Endometriosis  is my largest battle at this time and so I share of those trails often.  My inability to sleep has lead me to write and share.  I do believe that all things happen for a reason, and that all events, good or bad will help to build our character into a strong being.  For this I am thankful, that I am learning to trust, to trust God with my life, to trust others with my heart.

I have shared a little about how I have recently gotten back in touch with my biological family.  I had just sent off a letter to my sister and was eagerly awaiting a reply.  I got back a wonderful letter from my sister.  It is amazing to be back in contact with her, it is like we never stopped writing.  My sister and brother now have a facebook account, so now I can keep in touch with them daily.  I do love what technology has allowed for us.  The question about getting in touch with my biological mother was not clearly answered, though I think I may finally have made a choice.  In time I may change that answer, but for now I think it will be the best thing for everyone involved.

In a few months I should have my printer/scanner all hooked up and I hope that I can add some pictures of my sister and her kids.  I can also share the pictures of one of the few times we were actually with each other in person.  Life is such a funny thing.  I can look back at where I was just 10 years ago and I am amazed at how life has turned out.  God sure has a strange way of teaching and growing us.  I will leave you with one of my favorite quotes, a quote that makes so much sense once you are able to survive what life throws at you.

"Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forward." Kierkegaard

The desire to sleep is taking over my life.  I do not understand why it is so hard to fall asleep.  The simple act of laying down, closing my eyes, and letting my whole body relax.  Sound simple, right?  WRONG!